- 4 years ago
Hi guys! I read a few other posts and see that I am not alone…whew! As stated in the heading, yep, it’s been 9 years and I’m frustrated, in love, stuck, happy, anxious and miserable all at the same time.
I am 30 years old and I’ve been in a 9 year on and off again relationship with an amazing man. We are the couple that you wouldn’t expect to ever have any offs: we naturally bond, have great communication, get along crazy well, always enjoy each other’s company, fully support each other’s visions, and are overall heading in the same direction in life. And we’re in love like a couple high school kids! The break ups were always my doing — I won’t get into it but long story short there were particular reasons that I thought he wasn’t “the one.” In any case, we always ended up back together, even after I had hurt him from leaving so many times. We love each other deeply and honestly can’t see ourselves with anyone else.
The good news is, there’s no doubt in my mind that he wants to and will someday marry me. We make plans for our future in specific detail, have intimate conversation about it reguarly, especially now that we’re in our 30s and doing well financially. But like most of you, I am anxious and frustrated over the not knowing WHEN. And although we make these plans, I can still tell that he’s not quite there yet. The problem lies in my boyfriend’s having seen more than his fair share of bitter divorces and it’s affected him to where it’s made him nervous about the idea of taking a chance with marriage. Instead of using words like “married,” “wife/husband,” “spouse,” he’ll use words like “living together” and “significant other” in conversations about the future, or he’ll use the words but they’ll kind of stumble out. What gives me hope is that he’s always talking about it now, whereas at first he seemed to avoid it unless I brought it up. That, and he assures me that he’s not going to keep me waiting and that it won’t be like a…five years from now. He knows how important it is to me and has been wonderfully understanding of my struggles with waiting on him. During one conversation he revealed that he was planning to marry me sooner than later because I deserve it and he wants me to be happy, rather than do it at a time that he in his heart wanted to do it. I made it known that that wasn’t what I wanted so we agreed we’d wait until he was fully ready.
Now the outside force: Unfortunately, there is a rebound girl who is/was toxic for him that he always went back to whenever I left him. Well last year he messed around and got her pregnant (inadvertently). When he broke the news to me, they were not together and he and I were just getting back cool again after our last break up (the big one). He went on to say that he had decided that the right thing to do for the baby was to try to work it out with the Bridesmaid or Best Man. I know he’s a good man so I couldn’t even be surprised, despite the both of us knowing that he and I were “supposed” to be together. So I remained a good friend and kept a respectful distance during the pregnancy and it wasn’t too long after the birth that she drove him away and he called it quits. We inevitably ended up back together, which is where we are now — permanently this time.
Because my bf couldn’t have had a baby with a level-headed independent woman who mutually decides to coparent but have separate lives after realizing she and her BD weren’t right for each other, we are now in an uncomfortable situation. She knows they are broken up and he constantly reminds her, but she still doesn’t accept the idea of him dating, let alone being in a full-fledged relash’ with anyone. So to avoid the drama he has to keep her and I apart. Everyone knows about my bf and I planning to get married but her. Oh and to add to this fun situation, he rented a house for himself to spare his roommate from having to live with a baby part-time. Shortly after the birth it was decided that it was best and most convenient that the Bridesmaid or Best Man move in (along with his mom). So yeah…the two of them living together, in separate rooms of course….kind of an awkward situation. So here’s my issue with the “timeline” of the proposal:
So it’s bad enough that he is JUST now getting to the point of being near-ready for marriage, but incidentally this epiphany occurs right at the time that he has a baby by an ex?? His belief (and I guess that of common human decency?) is that proposing to someone months after getting someone else pregnant is insensitive, even if they broke up. Perhaps my 9-year wait and the fact that I know this woman hates my guts (my bf said she found out about me years ago), has caused me to be somewhat obtuse to courtesy in this area I guess. Not to mention, according to my bf she is the vindicive type to move out of town to take his baby away from him out of spite. So even if he wanted to sit down and tell her he’s in a serious a relationship, he can’t, for risk of not being able to see his baby again. So, not only do I have to wait for HIM to be at a good place to finally pop the question, but in a way, I have to wait for HER as well. I’m sorry but that’s not fair. I asked him what happens if she never comes around and he still assures me that he won’t have me waiting.
Also, there’s the living situation. I’m not concerned about the fact that they are doing the roommate coparenting thing for the sake of convenience right now. It’s not easy for me, but it’s not impossible either. Thankfully I was blessed with a mature, transparent, do-whatever-it-takes-to-let-my-woman-know-she’s-the-only-woman-in-the-world kind of man, so I’m not concerned about any funny business, especially with her. But the fact that it’s a 12 month lease and he’s not the type to do something like be engaged to a woman while his BM is living in his house means there’s another…ohhhh…9 months AT LEAST that I know he won’t be popping the question. I won’t even talk about the new revised timeline for having my first baby…that’s a whole other area of frustration thanks to this Bridesmaid or Best Man situation smh *sigh*.
Anyway, so that’s my issue. Great man. Definite proposal in the future. But who knows when? And now this life changing event just came about at the worst possible time. No ill will for the baby of course, goodness no. It’s just that it stinks that this Bridesmaid or Best Man sitch’ has extended what could’ve been a 9-10 year wait for the proposal (which is still ridiculous lol) to possibly 11+ years. Or maybe she had no effect; maybe he would’ve taken 11 or so years on his own. We’ll never know. I just know my plan is not to leave him. He’s an amazing man and I can’t believe how incredibly kind, supportive and sensitve he has been to my feelings. But what I am at this point is stuck. I’m happy with the blissful state of our relationship but I’ll be happier when it’s legit in God’s eyes. Big wedding or courthouse, $500 ring…whatever, I don’t care. I just want us to be husband and wife.