(Closed) 9 Years of Waiting + Outside Forces Causing Delay

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

This situation is insane. 

There will be many outcomes for this but I doubt you being happily married to him is one of them.

Post # 3
5155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

View original reply
MrsKing212 :  This.

Also, where are these “outside forces”? I kept waiting for them, but all you describe are rather internal choices. It is HIS choice to live with this woman, it is HIS choice not to be transparent with her, it is HIS choice not to be with you instead, it is HIS choice not to work out co-parenting through the courts, it is HIS choice not to even have you at his new place where he allges to live separately from her, it is HIS choice to encourage what you allege to be her crazy possessiveness. He is choosing to, according to you, live with a woman he does NOT want to be with instead of you, the one he claims he wants to be with.

That. Is. Insane.

Nine years off and on also does not point to great stability even if the offs were “your doing”. You have been back “together” (but only sort of and not really) again only very recently…and in these circumstances I don’t see how you can be so certain things are guaranteed from now on in. Toxic, codependent, dysfunctional, whatever you want to call it this is not indicative of a healthy, mature relationship.

Post # 4
2699 posts
Sugar bee

Sweetheart, I say this with Bee Love. They are a couple and YOU are the Outside Force. He has a new baby with a woman he’s been in a relationship with (not just a one-off). They LIVE TOGETHER and you are not welcome to go there. I see no happy ending here. I may just be a crazy old lady though.

Post # 5
3444 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Is this for real? Assuming this post is valid and not complete troll gibberish I agree with the insanity description and also think you are the only outside force I recognize in this story. Not sure if you’re incredibly, ridiculously naive or what but nothing about this is ok or healthy. This fairytale ending you’ve created in your mind will not turn into reality. Ever.

Post # 6
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
dejathelovely :  You can’t see yourself with anyone who doesn’t bring hurricane-of-shit levels of chaos into your life? Good luck.

It’s really funny that he “has” to keep you and his other side booty apart (he’s “transparent” and you’ve been together a decade but she only found out about you recently?), that “she’s the only one who doesn’t know we’re getting married” while your noble boyfriend lives with her and can’t even speak the word aloud to you, and he’s planning to coparent the child he abandoned shortly after birth for the first couple decades of your supposedly impending marriage. 

I think you’d benefit from thinking outside this fatalist ‘meant 2 be’ box. You’ve spent your entire adult life revolving around this guy, what else do you want to do with your time on earth? What are your goals? How are they going to be affected by staying in this relationship, committed to raising a child, whether or not you ever get married?

Post # 7
5220 posts
Bee Keeper

You are the other woman, and he is playing you both for fools. I’m sorry to be blunt, but how on Earth do you think he is serious about any kind of future with you when he lives with another woman? I’m sure she has the same story about being the soulmate that has dealt with breakups to end up back together by “fate.” He always went back to her, right? So he’s basically just been juggling the two of you.

I know it hurts, but cut your losses and try to move on.

Post # 8
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - pier 5 hotel

Not being rude, but this is fake right?

If it’s not…do u know his mom who lives with them? I’m dying to know her take on this. Like does she say he isn’t with the bm?

Post # 9
2875 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

nope nope nope nope

It’s not an outside force that’s causing a delay. It’s the fact that you’re the side piece and will believe what you want so he’s just piling on the BS. 

Real talk – why don’t you DTMFA and find someone who’s into you, and not a sketchball with an actual family?


Post # 10
4646 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
dejathelovely :  he is living with his child and the child’s mother. You are the extra in this scenario. Are you sure he didn’t break up with you and you haven’t come to terms with it so in your delusion you are making up some scenario and happy ending. Either way get yourself into therapy to understand why your creating this scenario or to clarify why you think this is ‘man’ you deserve.

It is totally unhealthy for you. move on, find out about yourself and learn to be open to finding an emotionally and physically available man to love you. You deserve so much more and I hope you find it one day. When you find yourself in a healthy respectful relationship it all falls into place and you think to yourself ‘why did I think life with so and so ex was so great???… I must have been crazy!!’ This one isn’t a healthy relationship. Good luck bee.

Post # 11
729 posts
Busy bee

I want to reply so badly in a different way, but im really not into shattering other people’s dreams and breaking their hearts. I will, however, say this… I truly pray that this ends the way that you think that it will. Why would a man that claims that he loves you, promise you a proposal soon, then move in with another woman? Im sure you have thought about that yourself so I wont drive the knife in deeper, but I hope that you are well and that you continue to take care of yourself… Regardless to how this story ends. Best of luck to you. That is all… 🙁

Post # 14
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
dejathelovely :  You mentioned that his mother lives with them, too. How does his mother react to all of this? 

Post # 15
7501 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

OK so you asked for people to assume that the 1 in a million chance happens and that this guy is on the level. You need to firstly stop demonizing the mother of his child because she didn’t make that baby all on her own, and he didn’t accidentally trip and land penis-first in her vagina. She *is* going to be dependent on him for at least child support, and their lives are going to be intertwined for at least 18 years. So get used to it, and learn to be civilized to this other woman.  

 Then you need to accept that no person in their right mind is going to jump into a marriage with someone they’ve broken up with several times over the years. Especially if their partner was the one who initiated the breakup. So stop looking at wedding websites and picking out names for your future children because it takes a very, very long time to rebuild trust, and he’s not going to want to get married till he can trust you not to break up and run away next time things get tough.  It’s going to be years.

If you’re looking for someone to blame, it’s not the mother of his kid. it’s you, for the multiple breakups, and it’s him, for not wearing a condom when he made that kid.

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