9 years waiting, now 30

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

This was the key sentence for me:

“he said he needs time to know for certain it’s meant to be”

That, and him not being sure he wants kids when you clearly do.

If he’s not sure after all these years, I think you need to start evaluating your relationship.

As I have posted on here before, I was in a 10-year relationship (18-28) with a guy that talked about the future (marriage, kids etc) in vague way but never actually took any practical steps. We never even moved in together! In the end it felt like I was trying to drag our relationship forward, all by myself.

Six months after we broke up, I tried online dating for the first time and met a new guy. 6 months after that we moved in together – that was 2.5 years ago. Last summer we bought a house together and we get married on Thursday. 

Marry a man that is as excited to get married to you as you are to him. For me, from harsh experience, if you’re the only one trying to make the relationship progress, it isn’t going to work in the long term.

It’s hard but you are still young and it’s so important to take this step with the right person, even if it means starting over.

Good luck xxx

Post # 3
Member
290 posts
Helper bee

.Youre waiting a few months not 9 years.  You only got back together a year ago after a two year split where you were daring other people. It also sounds like youve broken up with him a few other times? 

You might know each other 10 years but that doesnt mean yous are ready for marriage.

Post # 4
Member
11119 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

jetsetbee2 :  

No, Bee.  You didn’t ruin anything.  Your bf is full of excuses and in nine years, has made no forward movement toward marriage.  It’s not on his radar.  He doesn’t even know if you are ‘meant to be’.  Believe him.

Then there is the huge issue—children.  This one is not negotiable.  If you want kids, you must find a partner who wants kids.  Every precious child deserves to be desperately wanted.  Your bf can’t even give you a straight answer as to whether he wants kids or not.  That’s a “no” until proven otherwise.

Your relationship has been wobbly from the jump—breaking up and getting back together over and over.  Maybe some of that was immaturity, but every time it happens, damage is done.  Trust is eroded.

A lot of guys will hang around if they’re getting 80% of what they want.  They know eventually they will go out and find their 100 percenter.

Your relationship is not on a marriage track.  It’s stalled out.  Your bf does not want to even think about marrying you, let alone buying a ring ($15K, Bee, really).

If you want marriage and children, you’re with the wrong guy.

Post # 5
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

You’ve been on and off for 9 years, majorly off for past 3 save the months you’ve been together now. Hardly a stable relationship.

The 15k ring is a bit ridiculous imo.

Why you would move in with him so soon after being apart 2 years is a bit foolish.

He’s still not ready for marriage with you and isn’t sure about kids. No sense in trying to guilt him into wanting either of these with you. Its your life and choice to decide whether or not you want to stick around. 

It seems that this is the only big relationship that you’ve had in all of your 20s and you’re clinging to it for dear life. It can be a good idea to get to know yourself better, separate yourself from this man, don’t go into relationships with a sense of desperation where you put most importance on the marriage card. You’ve been back together less than a year and could be missing big red flags because you’re so fixated on marriage. 

Post # 6
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

Personally I’m surprised he didn’t end it as soon as you asked for a 15k ring, but that’s neither here nor there. 

It sounds like you’re counting your time together from when you first started dating while he’s counting from when you got back together after your years apart. I’d be inclined to give him the month he has asked for but be prepared to make a difficult decision if you don’t get the response you want when the time comes. 

Post # 7
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

You two don’t sound very excited about each other. I think you can do better. 

Post # 9
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like one of you is attempting to do a lot of hard work attempting to promote something that the other one………..isn’t.

Two partners involved in a relationship that is even somewhat reciprocal do not result in one of the parties having “zero patience”.

Will he know if you move out?

Why are you staying? What are you getting in return for all the angst you are expending? 

What happened to not living together unless there was feeling between you?

What has kept you connected for so long?

Post # 10
Member
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Why have you broken up/got back together so many times? What issues? 

Sounds like you are a stop-gap for him. Sounds like he is a habit for you. 

Move out and look for someone suitable for who you are now and what you want now.

Post # 11
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

jetsetbee2 :  Bloody hell bee. Stop it. Stop right now. He absolutely 100% does not want to marry you. Remove yourself from the situation and move on. Write the time up to experience and forget him. You get one life, you’ve already wasted enough of it with this utter loser. Get a haircut, but some nice new panties and go on some dates. Find someone who loves and appreciates you and start that family. Stop wasting time waiting and start living. Good luck! 

Post # 12
Member
2256 posts
Buzzing bee

magpiebee :  likely unpopular opinion here: if a woman waits 9 years for a proposal, has spent her entire youth on a relationship, has offered to help pay for it, and the man can reasonably afford it, I believe she *deserves* a $15k ring if that’s what she wants :/

 

OP, it does sound like this guy is full of excuses. You want a commitment and a family—stop waiting around for this guy who will likely end up just wasting even more of your time before he calls it quits because he’s feeling “pressured”. 

Post # 13
Member
6863 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It sounds as if you’re together by default, not because you’ve both decided you want the same things (engagement, marriage, children, etc.) and want to spend the rest of your lives together, which is what I would have needed to know before moving in together again. 

No answer is an answer. 

It’s hard to know if the ring was an issue or not as you didn’t provide any real info on finances–if you are both good earners with money in the bank it’s one thing. Asking someone who is making $50K a year to spend $15K on a ring is another.

Post # 14
Member
5028 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Not to be cruel but I am not sure what you are “waiting” for?  Your relationship with this man is not stable and after 9 years neither of you seem 100% in agreement about time-lines, marriage or kids.  I’d move on, stop the cycle of the on again/off again relationship and focus on yourself.  Look to meet someone new who is also compatible with similar desires, future goals and isn’t hesitant to commit.

ETA: I am sure starting over at 30, especially when you want children of your own is daunting but it is NOT too late (I did it).  Theres time, but don’t waste it on someone who is still not ready after 9 years.

Post # 15
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

azf0019 :  Have to disagree with you on this bee for a number of reasons

1.  30 is not old….She still has plenty of “youth” left .  

2.  If she deserves a $15K ring then she needs to buy it for herself as a reward for the years of self flaggellation. That’s exactly what she’s been doing for the past 9 years.

3.  The definition of insane is to do the same things over and over again and expect a different outcome…… and a $15K ring.

In other words, OP herself is responsible for the position she finds herself in.  She chooses to stay with a man who has promised her nothing, not even a committment.  She chooses to allow SOMEONE ELSE to determine her future.   OP KNOWS she needs to get out of this situation and yet she is so comfortable with the dysfunction, that she actually has ridiculous expectations.  Honestly she needs therapy just to see how much she’s screwing herself over.

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