(Closed) Grrrrr

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

If you are good friends with this couple you could discuss the financial impact of the wedding on you…I am not sure it will help but maybe she can offer a lending hand.

You may always gracefully decline the request to be in her wedding if you feel you can not afford it…

Post # 4
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

i’d be upfront and talk to the bride about your financial concerns — in this economy it’s certainly understandable that you’d be feeling a pinch and i can’t imagine your best friend not being sympathetic to your situation. can you discuss some alternative lodging options? for example, are there friends in the area you could stay with, or could you go in on a hotel room with some of the other wedding party members? i realize you and your SO probably want to stay together, but this is one way to cut down on costs. is she requiring you all to buy a specific dress? if not, can you wear a black dress you already have? there are plenty of nice black dresses you can get for very cheap, on sale or on ebay or something =). you can definitely cut corners somewhere without sacrificing your place in your friend’s wedding! anyway, hope the talk goes well and good luck with everything!

Post # 5
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Yeah…I definitely understand your point of view.  I have been a bridesmaid several times ($$$) and all but one of my bridesmaids lives out of state.  It is a big financial commitment…dress, shoes, hair, make up, shower gift, wedding gift, bachelorette party, hotel room, flight…If you genuinely cannot afford it, let the bride know ASAP so she can change the plans.  You will have a lot of those same expenses to just be a guest though (room, gas, meals).

The worst thing would be for you to begrudgingly agree and then have a sourpuss attitude (not that you would!!) about how much the weekend is costing you.  Be honest!  I promise she will understand.

Post # 6
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Hi Chelsea,

I agree with the others that you should talk to your friend about the cost. However, most of these costs are guest costs, not bridesmaid/groomsman costs. Even if you are not in the wedding party, you will still be paying the cost of food, gas, and hotel, so the only added expense of bridesmaid-dom (or groomsman-dom) may be the attire. The only huge savings you would have is if you do not attend her wedding at all. Is that a possibility you would consider?

She may be able to help you out in paying for the hotel room and/or food because you are in the wedding, which you would not get if you were a regular guest (then again, since you are paying for attire yourselves, it may be a case of six of one, half dozen of the other). You might also share a room or carpool with other friends of yours who are going to the wedding to cut costs too. Good luck!

—also Chelsea 🙂

Post # 7
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Have you considered cost saving measures?

If you can wear any black dress, can you use one you already own or borrow one?

Can your SO borrow a tux or wear a suit with a bow tie?

Can you carpool with anyone or take public transport?

Can you share a room with someone or stay with friends or at a cheaper hotel?


Honestly- $600 for 2 people to travel to an Out of Town wedding that they are IN is SUPER reasonable!  I’ve been in weddings where it cost me alone over $600.  So if it helps, just remember that it could be worse!

Post # 8
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

June is four months away. I am sure there are some ways you can find ways to save (I am being optimistic for you- thinking positively). Maybe look for the dress online, go to other travel lodging sites and try to find a good deal? (My friends have been checking the websites religously EVERY WEEK for good flight deals, good hotel deals- and as soon as they see one they snatch it up and call me to pass along the deal to my other guests- one of my friends purchased a $246 roundtrip flight from alabama to san jose!)

I think you have to get creative in cost-effective ways to be able to budget this trip to be a part of your friends wedding. I have a lot of friends who need to stretch their dollar- and it amazes me how well they are able to do so. It just takes a lot of self homework.

And don’t forget- you have to consider buying a wedding gift, and possibly contribute towards the bachelorette party…

So before you talk with your friend- maybe talk to the other girls in the bridal party and see how as a whole they can help reduce costs or at least keep them reasonable.

Post # 9
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Do you have to stay overnight?  A lot of our guests will be coming for the wedding, then leaving right after the reception.  Carpooling would be great if anyone else is headed your way.  Sharing a hotel room could help too if you have to stay overnight.  For attire, check the local thrift stores (many former bridal party members ditch their tuxes and LBDs there!).  I don’t think a gift is required, maybe you could wait to gift them or gift now and save save save!  Talking to the bride might also help, as I’ve asked my Maid/Matron of Honor if I can help her (she’s flying in for the wedding and I know it’s an imposition!).  Hope this helps!

Post # 10
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Sparkles brings up a good point. Ididn’t even think about the pre-wedding events.  Although you mentioned the dinner before and breakfast after.  It may be small change here, but if you are in the wedding you should have your dinner taken care of the night before forthe rehearsal dinner.  and many couples have an after wedding breakfast.  Maybe your friend will be doing that too.  Also, I would think you could find a cheaper hotel.

I would let her know what’s going on.  Who knows maybe, she’ll offer to lighten the load somehow.  I know it would be hard to miss the wedding.  Make sure you know what the cost will be, and figure out if you are just in sticker shock, or really can’t afford it.

Post # 12
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

What is up with her being so unresponsive? She won’t tell you who is in the bridal party or really even that you are a bridesmaid? If you weren’t a bridesmaid, would you even go to this wedding?

Before deciding if you will be a bridesmaid, I think you need to make the decision of whether you will go at all. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.  

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