(Closed) A bit confused….

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
3536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

He will never marry you.  He made a show of committing to you initially, but has no intension of falling it through all the way.  But my question is how is this just *now* coming up????  You guys have been “engaged” a while.

I’m sorry, bee.

Post # 18
Member
5020 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

He wears an engagement ring?  I mean, you live together, share expenses, both wear rings that symbolize commitment.  What does he really expect will change with marriage?  I would try to get to the root as to why he is so fearful of marriage and you need to decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you.

Post # 20
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
rosettemb:  you’re not “engaged” if marriage isn’t in the cards– You are “exclusive” and officially “monogamous” and “cohabitating”.

Post # 21
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
rosettemb:  Have you thought about sitting down with a couples counselor to try to figure out what is going on?  You guys are either speaking past each other or soemthing else is going on.  I would pursue clarity sooner rather than later if you are this concerned.  Because committed doesnt equal married.  I lived with someone prior to fiancée and based on that experience I as very clear with my fiancée that moving in together was a step I would only take if marriage was following shortly afterwards.  I explained my reasons and he understood them, so there was no uncertainty about what it all meant and where things were going.  It doesn’t sound like you guys have that clarity and I certainly wouldn’t expect the status quo to change if you don’t actively try to change it.  Regardless of the outcome I think there is value to be had to knowing where exactly you guys stand.  

Post # 23
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
rosettemb:  yeah, sorry hun, doesnt sound like he wants marriage. im so sorry and i hope to dont waste another minute with him, if you want to be married one day 🙁

Post # 24
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Take him up on his offer to marry you the next day – a courthouse wedding is fine. He’s never going to be enthusiastic about marriage, even if you have kids. If he won’t do it, you know that what he says is just hot air. 

Post # 25
Member
8937 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
rosettemb:  The bit about the apartment still makes no sense to me, but that’s really neither here nor there. The bigger issue is that you want marriage and he doesn’t. If he doesn’t want to get married, you are never going to make him WANT to be married. He says he doesn’t WANT to get married but he’s WILLING to. So either take him up on that or don’t. If you stick around hoping he’ll suddenly want it, you’re going to waste a lot of time and both end up miserable, neither getting what you want. I see it kind of like, you’re trying to agree on a restaurant. YOU really want Chinese. He’s not in the mood for anything specific and although he’s not a a big fan of Chinese, he can take it or leave it. You WANT him to WANT Chinese, but that’s not going to happen. You can either accept that he’s willing to go with your choice because you care about it more than he does, or you can say “fine then, you don’t want Chinese, we’ll go for Italian” leaving you unhappy and him no more or no less happy than he would have been with Chinese. I know marriage is infinitely more serious, but the point is kind of the same — you can’t make him want something he doesn’t want. The options are either A) stay with him unmarried, B) marry him knowing he doesn’t care either way, or C) move on and find someone who wants to get married. Which of these can you live with most happily?

Post # 26
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You already nailed it on the head…

“I’ve started to think that he doesn’t want any real commitment that will formally and legally connect him with me, he just wants to keep me close by being ‘engaged’.”

Time to jump ship.

Post # 27
Member
8937 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
rosettemb:  TBH though, I think he’s bluffing, and I think you also suspect he’s bluffing. I think that might be why you’re reluctant to take him up on the “fine, we can do it tomorrow” thing. By saying “no no, I don’t want you to feel pressured into it” it lets you feel like it’s within your control. But deep down, I think you’re worried that if you said “Ok, cool, thanks!” he’s going to backpedal and come up with excuses. And then you’ll be faced with the certainty that you have no power or say, except to leave, which you don’t want to have to do. Very sucky. Maybe he’s not bluffing though — take him up on it and see what happens.

Post # 28
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

It’s like he wants you, but doesn’t want to be married to you, but doesn’t want anyone else to have you either. I’ve seen many couples who have super long engagements because it seems official (one couple has been together maybe 12 years, had 4 kids together, were engageds ince the first was born, and then about a year ago they got married). But their engagmeent was probably at least 10 of those 12 years. 

When people do that, and not all people but a majority do, it’s they want that feeling of “well, we’re engaged” but not the legal binding, so that way, say if they wanted to be with someone else, do what they wanted, etc, they think they can say “well, it’s not like we’re married….” I had a coworker once who she and her man lived together for about 9 years, then got married. Their marriage lasted a year. As soon as they were married, he started saying stuff like “well, maybe that was ok before, but you’re my wife now” and it got bad… I don’t know if he’d ever hit her before [I wasn’t THAT close to her, but close enough] but didn’t think twice after they were married… she started coming to work with bruises on her wrists, that were the shape of fingerprints, on her ankels where’d kicked her and knocked her down, etc. And it was all because “well, you’re my wife now, so I can do what I want” And i know that is an extreme situation. But for some people it’s all fine and dandy to pretend like they’re married, be engaged do anything and everything they’d do as a married couple except have the paper stating they were married…  because they felt like they could still do whatever they wanted and it as “ok”. 

Update: 

Ok, so somehow I had missed that previous update in their. That reminds me of my ex husband. Originally we lived with his parents (we were each living with our parents, and then I started staying over there and just kind of moved in) and even stayed there at the beginning when we got married. Then his dad wanted to start charging some rent (we contributed to no bills, and his dad had to cut his work hours for health reasons, so us paying rent was more of just a way of helping them stay afloat. So then he asked me to ask my parents if we could move in (my mom had mentioned we could live there rent free) so we did. I kept asking if we could just get our own place and he told “when you get a real job and can afford it”. His view of a real job was by the fact that my job didn’t offere benefits… and he wouldn’t add me onto his work insurance because there was too much paperwork involved and he didn’t have the time to fill it out, and if I’d get a real job like a regular person, I could have my own and why should he do that for me? So we lived off my parents… well, I helped around the house, contributed what I could (which wasn’t much) while he came home, locked himself in the bedroom, played video games, fixed himself some dinner and took it in there with him, never offered to help groceries, or utilities, or anything and told me if I needed help to ask my parents. Needless to say, that marriage didn’t last. 

And as for the “well if you got pregnant I’d marry you immediately”, what would happen if you got pregnant, he married you for that, and then you had a miscarriage? Would he divorce you? After all, stranger things have happened. 

Post # 29
Member
7633 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Why does he have to start paying for the apartment once you’re married? And at any rate shouldn’t you both experience what it is to pay for your own place before getting married? If the apartment thing is true (assuming this is a condition set by his parents), then he just sounds like a spoiled brat that wants to have his cake and eat it too. Like he doesnt want to lose you, but he also resents the idea of having to pay his own rent, wahhhh! So he would prefer to continue in limbo eternally. Manchild alert. Although it is possible I’m totally off on all of that…just wanted to throw it out there.

Bottom line: none of it makes any sense, and that is NOT NORMAL. In a healthy relationship, you don’t sit around endlessly analyzing and agonizing over things your partner has said wondering WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. In a healthy relationship you know where you stand at all times. 

Post # 30
Member
3264 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
Daisy_Mae:  You nailed it!  

 

The topic ‘A bit confused….’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors