(Closed) A bit confused….

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

To be honest I would move on.  He claims the “expenses” of getting married are holding him back but that is bs.  He doesn’t want to marry you and won’t marry you.  There is more to marriage than a piece of paper and it sounds like you recognize that but he does not.

There are men out there who want marriage.  I will give you an example: I am the same age as you and since 24 I broke up with the man I thought I would marry, dated another man seriously, broke up with him, dated around and kissed a lot of boys, met my now husband, dated him for a year, got engaged, and have been married for 8 months.  All within the timeframe that you have been “engaged”.  My husband and I knew we wanted to be with each other so he wasted no time taking the next steps in our relationship.  Our engagement was 8 months.

Moral of the story: break up with this guy and find someone who wants to get married.

Post # 32
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I agree with PPs, he is never going to marry you. 

 A healthy relationship should progress, not move backwards.  I was ready to get engaged/married a little before my now Darling Husband was (after around 2 years of dating), but he assured me we were headed in that direction and just needed more time.  Our relationship was constantly strengthening and progressing, so I waited around 6 months, he proposed, and we got married 2 months later.  He said he wanted to wait to propose until he was ready to get married right away.

Your so called fiancé is basically doing the opposite.  It is not supposed to be this hard.  Move on.

Post # 34
Member
3329 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

*hugs*

I read a quote the other day – don’t keep holding onto a mistake just because you spent so much time making it. I think this might apply in your situation. 10 years is a long time, but if it’s not right, it’s not going to make you happy. And you deserve to be happy!

Post # 35
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
rosettemb:  Oh hun, don’t feel stupid!  This was your first serious relationship.  You disovered who he truly was, and it sounds like you are thinking about moving on.  Just think, you could have spend another year, two years, five years in this relationship hoping he would marry you.  Don’t beat yourself up.  I think a lot of us have had relationships where we stayed too long.  I know I did!  I know it sucks.  I know you are sad.  Just don’t let 10 years turn into 11, 12, 15, 20 years.  Let this guy go and open yourself up to a man who will be there for you and wants to get married to you.

Post # 36
Member
3273 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
rosettemb:  better 10 years wasted than 15 or 20 years!  At least now you still have time to find a husband and have the children you want. 

Post # 37
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

A person has the right to not believe in marriage. A person doesn’t have the right to be engaged to someone they’ve been with for ten years and then blindside them with the tidbit of information that they don’t believe in marriage and rip their whole world apart.

Don’t feel stupid Bee, you were trusting in the man you loved, there’s no shame in that for you, shame on him. It’s hard to move on sweetie, but you sound like you already know in your gut what you should do and are just having trouble facing it. ((((hugs)))) You deserve better than this, it hurts now but it does get better, better than you can even imagine at this stage of things.

Post # 38
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

I don’t understand getting engaged if one doesn’t have plans to be married within a year, maybe two.  It seems silly to me.  Like other PPs have said, it’s a fancy way to make your relationship sound like you two are committed, yet without all the commitment.  Strange.

As far as finances go, I’m really not sure what “extra expenses” there are with actually being married?  You said “taxes”.  But what taxes are there that only married people pay?  You then mentioned “bills”?  But, what do you get billed for as a married couple that you don’t get billed for as a single person?  Having “house expenses” was another concern you stated.  But, you have housing expenses whether you are single, married, divorced, widowed, etc.  No one is free from that unless they live with someone else who allows them to be there rent-free for some reason.  If you are trying to say that you two can’t afford having an actual house yet, then don’t get a house.  I’m not sure why so many people think you have to get a house once you’re married. You don’t.  In fact, lots of married people don’t own houses (me and my husband included).  It’s not something you should use as an excuse not to get married.  As for “etc”, I’m not sure what other expenses there are that only married people have, so I’m really confused here.

It sounds like you (or the both of you) are simply making up excuses not to get married – whether that’s married now or married ever.  But, I’m leaning towards the “never” end of that spectrum because your “fiancé” doesn’t even believe in marriage (but really, what is there not to believe in? It’s a real thing, not Tinkerbell) … which again makes me so confused as to why you two are even “engaged”.

This is just strange.  I’m sorry, but it is.

If marriage is something you really want, then you need to leave this guy, do some maturing for a while, find a man who is on the same page as you, and then see where things go from there.  Stop the excuses, stop the imaginary obstacles, do a good deal of maturing, and you’ll be much happier.

ETA:  Just saw that you are now realizing you have to start over.  Good for you.  Will it be easy?  Nope.  Will it be worth it?  Yep!

Post # 39
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
rosettemb:  “On papers, I still live in my parents’ house, and he still lives in his. So if he decides to get married, he will have to inherit the apartment, and the various expenses that go with it (plus the bills we already pay).” 

This still doesn’t make any sense to me. It sounds like you guys are living in an apartment his parents own – right? It also sounds like you guys don’t pay the rent or any of the bills – is that right? So what would change if you got married; all of a sudden his parents would force you to start paying them rent and make you pay your own bills? Honestly you SHOULD be paying those things NOW anyway.

And maybe you’re not in the US, but inheritance laws don’t work that way here. You don’t automatically “inherit” anything from your parents just because you got married. It sounds like he’s making shit up just to shut you up.

As for the relationship itself – I’m so sorry Bee, it doesn’t sound like he’s ever going to marry you. I suggest taking him up on the offer to get married tomorrow. Say – OK, let’s go to the courthouse! And make an appointment. He’ll either come up with some excuse why he doesn’t want to/can’t/whatever, or he’ll marry you tomorrow. 

Either way you’ll find out whether he’s being honest and is willing to pull the trigger.

 

Post # 40
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Run, run fast! I was engaged to a guy who had no intention of marrying me. I finally got him to settle on a date and I ran with it and 20 days before the wedding he called it off. It really sounds like he has no intention on getting married, and if getting married is something you want, Leave. 

Post # 42
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

I dated a guy like this for 4 years in college. He wanted to live together and maybe have kids out of wedlock but not marry me. He also wanted to live together in his parents spare bedroom so we wouldn’t have to pay rent. Needless to say it didn’t last and he ended up marrying someone he knew for 3 months. Long story short, cut your losses and move on. It doesn’t matter all the time you wasted because you didn’t waste it, you learned a lesson. What really matters is what you do next.

Post # 43
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2021

I don’t have a lot of advice to add here other than what has already been said, but when you said you “feel stupid for losing 10 years” you should NEVER feel that way if you decide to walk away as all this situation will do is make you stronger as you know what you want and you’ll never wait around again!

I have literally just been through it myself after 6 years (although we weren’t engaged, hence the problem) – at first I thought about how I’d ever get on without him and that I had given away my best years to someone who couldn’t/wouldn’t commit properly. But after 3 months I can already look back and think what a lucky escape I’ve had. I know what I want now, I’m very clear about it. I would never stick around for that long again without it heading down the marriage route which is ultimately what I want. When my boyfriend wouldn’t propose, I thought it was a problem with me, it made me feel so alone and not worthy. But now I know the problem is purely his – I still have an open heart and I believe in true love!

Hold your head up high and be brave as you will definitely be OK, and you’ll have exactly what you want in life. The Bees are here to support and their words have given me some serious clarity in dark times xx

Post # 44
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m sort of looking at things diferently than the PPs. I’m seeing that he has made a commitment to you, just not the type of commitment you are looking for. You formally exchanged rings in front of your family and stated you wanted to be together? That sounds like an extremely unformal wedding to me, one that’s not recognized by the government. Though in some states, you would be considered married after living together for a certain amount of years. I don’t see how being together for 10 years isn’t a commitment I guess. 

Now, this doesn’t mean you have to be okay with that level of commitment, or stick around if you aren’t okay with this type of relationship. It also doesn’t mean you can’t have children and be in a loving a committed relationship that doesn’t end in marriage. I know several families like this, the parents have been together since the 70s or 80s and have kids in their 20s and 30s, but aren’t married. 

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