- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
Hi all, new waiting bee here, been lurking for a couple of weeks and this looks like a lovely community to chat about my feelings with people who understand (rather then let them go round and round in my head!).
Bit of background to start … I’m nearly 32, my SO is 6 months younger. We’ve been together just over 18 months and are looking forward to moving in together in 3 months time when the leases on our current house shares end. We spend a lot of time together and see each other most days, but are also careful to maintain individual interests and see friends etc. I’ve never known a relationship like it, from day one it’s been amazing, no game playing, both open with our feelings, both treat each other the way we like to be treated ourselves, can talk about anything and are easily able to talk about the future and plan ahead. I’ve had one proper relationship before my SO which lasted 2 years and was pretty toxic, my SO has had several relationships before me, three of any significance which lasted between 1 to 1 1/2 years each. Both of us agree that those previous experiences just reinforce how right for each other we are by comparison!
So, to get to the present, I’m feeling like a bit of an idiot today for jumping to conclusions and thinking that a proposal was going to come a lot closer that it actually is. SO knows that I’m worried about my age and having children, not helped by the fact that I know far more people who have had difficulties getting pregnant and carrying babies to term than I do people who’ve had happy, healthy, trouble free pregnancies. From early on I knew that he would take longer than me to be ready for marriage, mainly because he comes from a broken home and his experiences make him want to be completely sure before he makes a lifetime commitment (whereas my parents have been happily married for 36 years). My ideal timeline would be to be engaged by the end of the year, married around September next year and start trying for children very early 2014 (I’d be 33). If we were extremely lucky I’d be able to have 2 children with a years gap between pregnancies before I was 36 (I know you can’t really plan these things and I’m over thinking, but I’m sure I’m not the only one). Actually my ideal timeline would be for us to have met in our mid-20s, but I can’t change that.
Anyway, since my SO got back from a 2 week business trip in May where he really missed me, he’s been much more vocal about engagement, mainly joking around, but he’s looked at rings online, saved up the money to buy one and got me to get my finger sized. I of course have been getting very excited thinking that his timeline had gotten much closer to mine. This morning though, while we were joking around about something, I realized that he’s definitely not thinking about asking me any time soon, it’ll be at least another year. I got quite upset and ended up saying that he wasn’t allowed to talk about marriage/rings/engagement again unless a proposal was coming within the next 3 months, because it wasn’t fair, which led to us talking about it, which is how I know he’s nowhere near ready yet.
I guess there’s not really much advice anyone can give, I just needed a forum to externalize my disappointment rather than let it eat me up inside. I fully respect my SOs need to be totally sure before he takes the next step, it just leaves me feeling very powerless and vulnerable that it’s all in his hands. He thinks it’ll all be ok if we have problems having our own children because we can adopt, but I really really want to have my own biological children and experience pregnancy and everything that goes with it. He also said that some of the things he’s worrying about are stuff like getting the right ring and making the proposal special etc, and as much as I’ve reassured him that him asking me to spend the rest of my life with him will be special enough and I’ll love whatever ring he picks because it’s from him (he wants to choose it himself which I’m quite happy with), he can’t seem to understand that I actually mean it! We’ve got lots and lots of friends getting engaged and married and having children at the moment, some of whom have been together quite a few months less than us. I’ve already reassured him that I’m not disappointed that he hasn’t been ‘as quick’ at proposing as some of them, but his latest comment is that he wants there to be a ‘gap’ for him to propose to me in so that we don’t look like we’re following the band wagon, or stealing anyone else’s limelight. I just don’t think anyone else’s plans should influence ours, particularly for getting engaged (obv wouldn’t want to get married on the exact same day as a close friend), especially when most of the couples are younger than us so don’t have the biological clock ticking quite as loudly.
Anyway, that was quite an essay for my first post! Look forward to chatting to you all more while I’m ‘waiting’!