(Closed) A blast from my past … my heart is aching and confused

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

WOW! That must be incredibley jarring. You are NOT selfish for not wanting to be friends with your ex. If he was still a guy and messaged you, most people would shout “don’t respond!” So why should it be different with a girl?

I think it was totally unfair of him to come at you out of the blue like that. Maybe he felt like he owed you an explanation as to why it really never worked out. But if it were me, I would delete and never talk to him again.  It’s not like you’re judging just ANYONE for getting a sex-change. You’re emotional about someone you used to love fundamentally changing themself in a way that will make you wonder if the feelings they ever had for you were real. That is nothing to snicker at.

Post # 4
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@onebewilderedbee:   Wow.  I’m sure you’re feeling a thousand different feelings right now.  I’m sure you’re shocked.

Look at it this way, now you know – really know – why things didn’t work out with the man he was then.  He is now a woman.

And she is reaching out to you.  I’m sure people who’ve had sex changes must feel somewhat isolated and maybe a little afraid because their choice is not the norm.  But my heart goes out to them, really. 

It’s up to you whether you decide to contact her or not.  Out of kindness you may want to send a friendly note of encouragement. 

I know if this happened to me and I chose to continue (or renew) the friendship, my Fiance would be completely cool with it, he’s awesome that way.  I tell him everything and I trust his reaction would be the right one.  He’s open-minded and compassionate. 

If you feel you can tell your Fiance that would be the best thing, of course.  I don’t believe in having secrets from each other.

Post # 5
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow… I have nothing to offer, but I can imagine what a shock that must have been. I think anyone in your shoes would have a lot of different thoughts/feelings regarding this. No one could blame you for that. I wish I had something better to say. Just do whatever you need to do for you. Good luck

Post # 6
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

Woooooooah! I didn’t see that one coming lol. This is a very unique situation.

It sounds like you’ve got too many emotions balled up into this to make sense of it all. Separating the sex change surprise, he/she is still an ex, and exes are exes for a reason. If I were you, personally I would be cordial and maybe send a “hope you’re doing well” exchange, but let it go after that. Sounds like both of you have moved on.

Post # 7
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Sunfire:  I would agree with you if this was just an old friend, but it’s an ex-lover. Ex-lovers should let sleeping dogs lie. She is not the right person for him to try to reconnect with.

Post # 8
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

That has to be a very bizarre situation. I dont see being friends with her a problem, after all she is a female now and your Fiance should be okay with that, I certaintly know mine wouldnt have a problem. As long as you’re not holding onto lingering feelings and want to talk to her baout how thigns used to be then I see no problems reconnecting if youre okay with it. I would quite frankly be super excited to figure out when all this happened and if thats why you went 4 years without talking etc. Id be excited to meet up with her!

Post # 9
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Tangled:   You’re right about that.  I was only looking at it from the “how-lonely-it-must-feel-to-be-that-person” angle, because sex changes are rather rare.  But, you’re right.  There is no need to ever reconnect with an ex. 

Post # 10
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

There is no good in reconnecting with an ex, whatever gender they are, were, or will be later. You shared a very intimate part of your life with your ex, period. Even if you use her gender transition to validate becoming friends because “she wouldn’t try anything” or whatever… she knew you as a lover. 

 

Post # 13
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@onebewilderedbee:  I would honestly have a difficult time not contacting her, though.  I would have a gagillion and one questions, lol.  But curiosity killed the cat.  Innocent

Post # 14
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

woah. didn’t see that one coming. I think you should give yourself time to process all of your emotions before deciding on what to do next. 

Post # 15
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

@onebewilderedbee:  I agree with others – you’re not obligated to renew a friendship with your ex, no matter what his gender has become! That said, I think it’d be kindhearted (and maybe good for BOTH of you) if you do respond in some fashion that brings closure. Something like telling her that you were surpised to hear from her, that you hope all is well with her, and that you’re happily engaged to be married to the love of your life and that you wish her equal happiness.

Post # 16
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

The ONLY reason I might respond in this situation is to make sure he knows not to contact you again. You might say something like:

Hello so-and-so:

I got your note. I’m glad you’re doing well, and that you’ve found some happiness in your life, but I have found my happiness too. I am engaged and, while I realize we were friends for a while after we were together, I am not interested in pursuing a friendship with an ex, no matter what the changed circumstances may be.  I wish you the best, but please do not contact me again.

Love,

Me

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