- 6 years ago
I’m using an anonymous username because I’m not sure if my Fiance knows my regular one or not … better safe than sorry.
Here’s a short story to give you some background (I’ll try to be brief). I have an ex boyfriend – he was the first guy I ever truly, really, actually felt in love with. I loved him. I poured my heart into him, I poured my emotions and my soul into hoping and crossing my fingers that one day we would be forever. But, it didn’t work out as a relationship, so we stayed really close friends for a long time. I still loved him, but I never really told him or had the chance to express it. Then, we lost touch, reconnected, lost touch, reconnected … etc. Fast forward to today – as of today I hadn’t thought about him or been in contact for about 4 years. Not even a flicker through my brain. I had chalked it up to a sign from the universe that we weren’t supposed to be in each others’ lives (I’m not usually a big “sign from the universe” person, but in this case it just felt right to separate permanently and stop breaking my heart trying for something that wasn’t meant to be.) I moved on and created my life as I’m living it now … getting married soon, madly in love with my Fiance, with a cat, a good job and all that jazz … I assumed he had done the same, moved on with life and kept the good memories but stopped holding onto what used to be. We had moved on.
Then this morning I get to work and check my work email like usual … I have this unusual message from a female that I don’t know. That’s not too odd, it’s a work address so I figure at first it must be something work-related as it didn’t go through my spam folder. I open it and the basic jest of the message is: “I know you aren’t going to know this name, but I have been looking for you for a long time to get back in touch and see how you’ve been. I hope I hear from you.” she signed it “an old friend” and left me a PS message mentioning some mutual friends we had gone to high school with to prove to me she’s real and not some email generated robot.
OK – odd, I knew NOONE with even remotely close to that name. But it seemed legit so I decided to look up the name on facebook.
What I found almost made me spew my coffee all over my computer screen. HE has become a SHE! I would recognize him ANYWHERE, granted, he/she’s definitely feminine now, but I would recognize that face and those eyes (my gawd he has gorgeous eyes!) anywhere.
My heart is nearly broken. I loved him and fell hardcore head over heels for him – and now all of that is really confusing because how do you separate what has been from what is now? I know that by reaching out to me, she is looking for my approval and friendship again … but (and I know I will receive lots of criticism for this, I am critical of myself at this as well) I don’t honestly know if I can do that. I was always raised to be open, I will always support and stand by those that I love … but in this case it is just so shocking and such a blow to be dealt. And I know I’m probably being selfish for even thinking those thoughts … but, wow.
On top of all of this, I can’t even mention a peep of this to Fiance because he is very jealous and gets all brissly at even the mention of another male. He means well, I know he just loves me and wants me to be all his … but it would be good to know if I could reach out to the ex and try to be friends again without Fiance freaking out because she used to be a he (I don’t think he’d except her as a her, he’d be stuck on the fact that I would be hanging out with a “guy”).
Anyway, if you’ve stuck with this long-winded babble, thank you. I’m not sure what to think/say/do. My head is spinning and my heart is confused.
Any words, thoughts, random changes of topic to make me smile, etc are appreciated. Thanks, hive!!!