(Closed) a bridesmaid at a destination bachelorette party…help!

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
1351 posts
Bumble bee

Future SIL or not, you’re under NO obligation to attend any or all wedding activities, whether local or long distance. 

I would skip it if I were you, and not feel bad. 

Post # 3
2266 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

I mean, when did it become a requirement for a bachelorette party to be FOUR DAYS LONG?? You had another commitment. I think you’ve more than met your obligation by going for 1 day, with all that driving.

And if she expected you to be her transportation, she should have said so. Being psychic isn’t a bridesmaid duty, last I checked.

Plus, she’s being a brat so why should you be bending over backwards to accomodate her?

Be kind, but firm that you have other obligations and you will look forward to seeing her when you get there. 

Post # 4
15 posts
  • Wedding: August 2018

The bride sounds like she might be in zilla mode.  If she chose to have her party in Connecticut, she should have made sound travel/driving plans.  Honestly, people can’t expect everyone to go to a destination party.  I think it’s pretty normal that people can’t attend due to work, having children, etc.  You should not feel guilty here.  As long as you are there for the actual wedding (the part that actually matters).  Just calmly explain as best as you can to both your brother and his lady.  Maybe explain to your brother alone so his point of view is not tainted by an irrational fiancée. 

Post # 5
351 posts
Helper bee

Are you in the bridal party? How many other girls are attending the bachelorette party?

Personally, I don’t think you need to attend at all …she’ll get over it. 

Maybe send her something personalized and cute for the weekend in lieu of attending, or set an activity up for them (manicures or so) that you treat them to that weekend. That way, you can skip the party but it might soften the blow and make her weekend extra special. 

The only reason I’d do all that work to attend would be if (a) she has a ton of people declining and is feeling extra down about it, or (b) you expect her to attend all your engagement/wedding activities. 


Post # 6
13653 posts
Honey Beekeeper

An out of town, five day bachelorette  is a huge imposition on people. A wedding takes priority. She should be grateful you are able to attend at all. 

Post # 7
3882 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You are doing what you can. She’s a brat for not appreciating that, and an even bigger brat for throwing a fit over your engagement. Do what you are comfortable doing and not an ounce more. She sounds so annoying.

Post # 8
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Don’t feel bad about it- there is no reason you need to go to this. Also, it sounds like she’ll have her panties in a twist even if you do go, so this isn’t going to appease her. That is an insane length for a bachelorette and no one should be expected to drop everything for that, not even family.

Post # 9
5466 posts
Bee Keeper

Can’t she take a cab? Or what about the other girls going?  This sounds ridiculous. Plus it also sounds like she didn’t ask what was a good date for you because she planned it when you already had a prior commitment.

I’d skip it at this point. She’s not going to be happy either way. 

Post # 10
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I wouldn’t go at all. 

Maybe that’s harsh, but the reality is you’re going to appease her but she will never be appeased. No matter what you do, she’s going to complain  about it, so you might as well make yourself happy. Take Monday to chill after the long wedding weekend and return to work recharged.

send a nice gift or invite for mani pedi s and be done.

You’re an adult with a job and a life. Don’t let her control you with her complaints. And tell your brother she doesn’t get a year to be the only engaged person. 

The best thing you can do for your future relationship is be pleasantly distant so you can be respectful of her place in your brother’s life. If you spend any length of time with her right now in zilla mode, it might be difficult to come out unscathed.

Post # 11
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Really? Crying because you got engaged too? 

A 4 day bachelorette party? Come on.

She sounds unreasonable, spoiled and immature. Don’t go if you don’t want to. She doesn’t get that this is you doing what you can.

Post # 12
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I probably wouldn’t go at all either. She sounds completely OTT.

Post # 13
528 posts
Busy bee

Oh wow, I feel really bad for you, OP. Life’s too short for so much stress and drama. If I were in this situation, I would just bow out of the bridesmaid role and just attend the wedding. If she can’t understand that you have other priorities, then boo-f_ing-hoo.

Post # 14
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Oh man, I live in south jersey too and I’d have to really love someone to drive up to Connecticut. Just skip it. When you plan a bach. party out of town and for multiple days, not everyone can swing that.

Post # 15
2843 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

She sounds like a spoiled biotch. I probably wouldn’t go at all. 

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