Post # 1
Sorry in advance…this is kind of long but I would appreciate any help that you all could give…
My fiance proposed in January 2011 and we will be getting married in July of 2012. I will be having 4 bridesmaids – 2 family members, one future family member and one of my closest friends. In May, my friend found out that she was pregnant, and while she and her husband weren’t exactly “trying,” they’re very excited and happy about the baby. I should probably preface this by saying that I am VERY happy and excited for them as well. I know that they’re going to be great parents, and that’s what counts. The baby will be born in December, meaning that she and her husband will have a 7 month old at our wedding. I asked her if she still wanted to be a bridesmaid when she found out she was pregnant, and she seemed offended I would even ask.
Since she’s a bridesmaid and I’m close to her family, both her parents and her sister will be in attendance at our wedding. Her husband will be out of town that weekend and has already expressed his sympathies, which we totally get. Here’s the thing…my friend seems to think that leaving the baby for one second to perform the bridesmaid-ly duties that she previously agreed to will cause the world to end. For instance, I offered to let her stay with me at my parent’s house the night before the wedding, now she’s talking about bringing the baby with her to the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and that night at our house (which is not ok in my mama’s book. We all need our beauty sleep that night). She’s talking about bringing the baby on the limo that we rented for the bridal party to transport us to take pictures between the ceremony and reception instead of leaving the baby with her parents/sister at the cocktail hour provided for our guests. The maximum amount of time we’d be gone is two hours. The list goes on and on.
Since we wanted to include all of our family, including many kiddos who are very important to us, we can’t exclude the baby under a blanket “no kids” policy. And I really don’t mind that the baby will be in attendance that day. I don’t even mind that she won’t be able to help with as many bridesmaid duties leading up to the wedding because she’ll be busy with a newborn. I get all of those things. I just wish she would step back and let my fiance and I have this one day. Or that she would at least ask before assuming that all of these things are ok.
Is there some way I can address this issue with her without it seeming like I’m not happy for her? Am I being a bridezilla? She seems to be making a lot of assumptions about what we’re willing to accomodate without actually asking, but I feel like if I flat out say “no” to some of these things it could negatively affect our otherwise awesome friendship. Is there anything I can do?
Post # 3
Your friend is about to have a newborn baby and you have three other bridesmaids. While I understand that you’re disappointed to not have as much of your friends attention, just know that her priorities have probably shifted since you first asked her to be your bridesmaid. My cousin knew she was pregnant when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. When she finally told me that she was pregnant, I gave her the option to back out, knowing that she would have a two month old baby by the time my wedding is here. She said she still wanted to be in the wedding, but I’ve told her not to worry about the other stuff like showers, etc. Obviously, I expect her to be at the rehearsal and getting ready the morning of, but the other things seem
Post # 4
I think the only place you could say the baby is not allowed without coming across as bridezilla is the night at the house and at the limo/picture time. Those are your hours to prepare, enjoy and be with your friends and family without the stress of crying babies.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t worry about it at this point. The actual wedding day is so far away, and she may feel differently with a 7-month old. She’ll have family there who can babysit for a few hours, and chances are that on the actual wedding day, she won’t be thinking about the baby. It’s probably just her thinking about the baby a lot. There’s just no way to tell at this point what she will want to do, and I think it’s really jumping the gun to say anything to her at this point.
Although I do understand the sentiment that you have. I am planning out every detail of my wedding day in my head and I hope it all goes to plan!
Post # 6
@msbadger7: I agree with the PP: The woman is being unreasonable and stepping out of bounds by insisting the baby travel in the limo. The night before the wedding is a little iffy… you might have to tread lightly on that one. But don’t put any expectations on her aside from showing up for rehearsal, day of, and next day festivities.
By the time the kid comes out and she’s used to parenting, I’m sure she will lighten up on her expectations of how glued the child can be to her hip. You’ve got time. Just wait a little while before delving too far into planning with her, because she might eventually decide to gracefully bow out as bridesmaid, or she just might be more relaxed as time goes on. You never know about those things. Just be prepared to roll with the punches.
Hopefully it works out so everyone is happy. Good luck to you!
Post # 7
Who will be watching the baby when you’re doing wedding party pictures? Maybe bring that up when asking her to leave the baby with family for that short time. I also think it’s reasonable of you to not want the baby at your house the night before. Is she from out of town and needs the accomodation? If not, you might have to sacrifice having her stay over with you that night. I also think you could concede the rehearsal dinner, but who will watch the baby while she’s doing the rehearsal?
Post # 8
By the time the wedding rolls around, she may change her tune and be happy to have the baby be babysat by someone else 🙂
I just wouldn’t worry about it now, it’ll sort itself out. Figure out what’s important (no baby overnight with parents or limo) and once it gets much closer, tell her “You know I love Baby X, but my parents are concerned none of us will get enough sleep that night the night before if s/he stays over. You’re welcome to still come over if he’s able to sleep the night with your family without you, but this one night only, he can’t join us.” And same for limo “You know I love Baby X, but there won’t be enough space for a carseat plus the wedding party in the limo. Let me know if your family will take him to cocktail hour and you’ll be joining us in the limo, or if you’ll be taking your own transportation to the reception.” Keep it matter of fact. And don’t talk to her about it until after she’s been a new mom for at least 2-3 months.
Post # 9
Honestly, I wouldn’t stress about it now, nor do anything in regards to this issue for quite a while yet. Right now, she’s 7 months pregnant and is probably nervous about all the things that come with being a brand new parent. She probably can’t fathom the thought of leaving her baby for a minute once it finally arrives. That being said, by the time your wedding rolls around, her baby will be 7 months old and she probably will have relaxed a LOT. All new mothers are nervous nellies but from what I can tell, that nervousness goes away as the baby gets bigger and parents realise it is ok to be away from their babies for a few hours.
I think if you say something to her now, you risk alienating her or causing friction. This is not a decision that needs to be made any time in the next several months so just forget about it. Chances are, by the time of your wedding, she will be quite excited to have a few hours of ‘adult time’ without the baby.
Post # 10
I guess to clarify a couple of things, the only times that I’m concerned about at all are the night before the wedding and the wedding day itself…even then, only those few hours before, during the ceremony and immediately following where I’ll need my bridesmaids for pictures.
I totally respect that being a new mom is an all-consuming job and that for a first-timer like my friend, it preoccupies your time/mind as much as or probably more than planning a wedding. I’ll understand if she can’t participate in my shower or the bachelorette party, but I guess what bothers me the most is that I gave her the option to back out when she found out she was pregnant if she thought it was going to be too much to handle…and she didn’t.
There is about a 2.5 hour drive from where she lives now to the wedding, so there is that to consider. We’ve also invited both her parents and her sister to the wedding, so if she comes up the night before for the rehearsal they can bring the baby the next day. I guess if being away from the baby for one night is that big of a problem for her, I’d be willing to concede her attendance at the reahearsal and dinner as long as she was on time for everything the next day.
I just am looking for advice on how to approach the situation if she brings it up again…a way to tactfully say, “Um, I’m sorry, but I’d rather not have the baby in the limo.” Because I don’t want to give her the impression that it’s ok when it’s not, but I also don’t want to upset a woman in her 3rd trimester.
Post # 11
Thanks bees, I’ll try to tone down the stress level that this is causing me right now and just wait it out. You’re all probably right…chances are she’ll welcome the break from the baby that the wedding day will provide by the time we actually get there, especially if she has family attending the wedding who can temporarily babysit (which she will).
I especially liked the “And don’t talk to her about it until after she’s been a new mom for at least 2-3 months.” I’m hoping that she’ll be a little more laid back once she’s used to parenting.
Post # 12
Please don’t slam me for this. I was a new mom not long ago.
Just let her know the limo is not car seat friendly, and if there is an accident, the baby will be hurt. Easy out, and very true. Don’t take the “well it can ride on the floor” excuse…because it can’t.
The baby will be 6-7 months old at that point. She will be thinking one of two things (I have a two year old) “OMG! ADULTS! AND MAYBE SLEEP!!!!” Or…”I can’t leave my baby.” Both of which are fine, and totally natural. I didn’t leave my son alone with family until just recently by choice…but if I could have, I would! I do not think you are being unreasonable, or a bridezilla. I understand the new baby thing and all, but seriously…it’s YOUR day. Not that babies. Yours. She can leave the baby for a few hours. Not to mention, the baby would need to be in a carseat…and what if it gets sick…on your dress. Babies do that. As far as you go…just be flexible. Babies are sick all the time, so she might need to bail last minute. Just be understanding…and have a back up 🙂
Post # 13
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Having said that, I don’t have kids yet so maybe as a mum you feel very differently.
I would definitely take the PP’s advice and say something like kids are not allowed in the limo. I think bringing a baby along for the ride is a little much…she can surely handle an hour away and if not, she shouldn’t go. Babies are a priority but at someone else’s wedding, maybe she can’t have it all.
The night before….if it seriously bothers you having the baby there you’ll just have to say so. I’m sure mentioning that in an environment where you want to have a glass or two of wine, make noise and be relaxed, that it’s not necessarily the best environment for her baby to be in. That’s fair enough.
Yes, she should ask and not just presume these things and it would be that fact that would irritate me too.
Post # 14
If I were you, I really wouldn’t worry about it now. Like PP said she’s probably stressing about just being 7 months pregnant. I know after my daughter was born, I didn’t want to spend a night away from her until she was 2. So, with her living 2.5 hrs away, she may not want to leave baby for the night. This can be dealt with later in two ways – 1. She doesn’t spend the night or 2. Baby comes for a sleepover. Either way, I wouldn’t worry about it until later. As for the pics and limo, I’m sure she will probably have a family member watch the baby. From a mother’s standpoint, its very different for someone to watch my child for a couple of hours during the day (I’m fine with many people doing this) than to watch her during the night/sleep over (I’m only ok with a select few doing this).
Post # 15
I see your dilemma, and you have my sympathies. This one’s not easy! Especially the overnight/limo. I think you should try not to make an issue out of any of it… if the topic comes back up again about the baby staying overnight at your parents, maybe ask your friend if that is something you can both talk about. Express with her how excited and happy you are for her, and how much you want her to still be a part of your last night as a single woman. Gently suggest that she get a sitter for the baby that night so that the two of you can focus on spending some quality time. Suggest that the limo may not have enough room for a carseat, and that you just wanted to make sure she could prepare for alternative arrangements such as leaving the baby with Grandma during transportation times. I get the feeling that your friend really does mean well and just wants to remain engaged and a part of your special day, even if it means bringing baby along to support you. Don’t lose sight of that – a wedding day is special, but so are our friendships.
Post # 16
@msbadger7: Hmm, I have a different perspective on this than most of the PPs. Most of her assumptions just don’t seem that unreasonable to me. For instance, if I were her and you extended the night before invitation, I would assume without question that the invitation extended to my baby as well.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re being a bridezilla, but I do think it would help to try and put yourself in her shoes. Also, I couldn’t tell from any of your posts whether you’ve actually shared any of your concerns with her. It kind of sounds like you haven’t, in which case I think you should. You know your friend best, so you probably know the best way to approach it: when, how, etc. Maybe closer to the wedding, after the baby has been born would be best, as PPs have suggested.
As for the whole letting you and your fiance have this one day thing: I think that’s a little excessive, and I certainly wouldn’t say anything remotely like that when you’re talking to her. It doesn’t really sound like she’s trying to take the spotlight away from you or anything. It doesn’t even seem like she’s trying to be difficult. It just seems like she’s made certain reasonable assumptions that you need to address with her to make sure you’re both on the same page.