A Change Of Heart

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
5566 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

futurebound :  you say you are more understanding of his anxiety, but you still went out on a date night. Is he in treatment? Just before I started treatment, I had about three buildings that I would get out of my car and go to, thankfully one of them was work. I couldn’t go to the grocery store, I got out of my car at a car wash and I literally thought I was going to die because they wanted me to go into a building I had never been in before. I literally thought I was going to pass out and die.

No amount of persuading was going to take that anxiety away from me. If I went to a new place with my partner in the midst of my rock bottom anxiety, I would be uncomfortable and anxious the entire time.

I guess it’s great that you finally had THE talk after a massive fight and he agreed to be more outgoing or whatever, meaning he’s agreeing to change who he is to appease you.

Unless he gets treatment, his outgoingness won’t last long. My anxiety got worse until I landed in treatment

Post # 3
5566 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Also, as for falling asleep during the movie, do you have an idea of the physical toll that anxiety can take on you? I’m assuming he was anxious given what you’ve said, when the anxiety dissipates, you are completely bone tired. Tired to your absolute core

Anxiety causes a physical response, your heart starts to race, your chest feels tight, you’re breathing fast. When the anxiety starts to fade, your body is exhausted from running on that

I don’t see a lot of sympathy for him on your part

Post # 5
5566 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

futurebound :  aaaaah, he self medicated his anxiety shakes to loosen up. I would encourage him to start treatment again, talk therapy, cbt, can be helpful for him and they don’t involve medication

Post # 8
2115 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

So he is not in treatment, gets severe anxiety when you go out, and your solution is to have him want to go out more with you? I mean, its not just a lack of sympathy, you two are just completely incompatible. If you like to go out and do things and he doesn’t, you two won’t work together. If you are devolving into gigantic fights to even have a conversation about your future, you two just aren’t compatible. He needs to get into treatment and needs a girlfriend that helps him through his issues and not just forces him to go out more. You should be encouraging him to get help for the PTSD and the anxiety, instead of forcing him to be more “social” 

Post # 9
248 posts
Helper bee

Based on yuor last post, I’m not entirely surprised you want to stay with him, but I am a bit surprised you came back here to tell us all about your decision.

This still doesn’t sound healthy. All of the points made by PPs in the last thread still stand. As a fellow sufferer of anxiety, understanding/accepting you have it is only the first step. You knew he has PTSD before, still thought him not wanting to go out was “selfish,” but then you find out he has anxiety ON TOP OF PTSD, and now you can see he’s not being selfish?

You’ve never been solid and you’ve broken up/got together “a hundred” times. It should not be that hard. I think you still have marriage fever and just don’t want to see your time with him as “wasted” to cut your losses and find a healthier relationship. It’s not a fun concept, but it is far better than continuing an unhealthy relationship because of the sunk cost fallacy.

Post # 10
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

futurebound :  Im sorry but your update makes you seem very selfish. This man clearly has anxiety issues and PTSD and instead of encouraging him to seek healthy treatment, you want him to go out with you and then he self medicates (which is a great way for him to become addicted to alcohol or other substances) just to make it through the evening. 

Im going to agree with others and say that you two are just not fundamentally compatible. You are a social butterfly, he has PTSD. Those two things dont mesh. Sure, right now he is trying to appease you but it wont last forever because his condition precludes him from making a lasting change unless professional treatment is involved.

You are adamant about going out and doing things even to the detriment of his mental health. As someone who suffered from and was treated for PTSD, going out can be like walking through a battlefield. I once heard a car backfire outside of a theater and before anyone knew it I was on the sidewalk in a fetal position.  Luckily I didnt self medicate and I got treatment. It would have been very easy to drown my anxiety in alcohol and become an alcoholic. 

46% of people who suffer from PTSD use some form of self medication be it drugs or alcohol to cope. Your date night is a perfect example of how self medicating starts. Person with PTSD has to go out and to cope they begin drinking or using drugs, then it starts happening at home, before leaving the house. They begin drinking just to leave the house, before you know it they are drinking all the time to cope with the stress and anxiety. 

You apparently arent aware of how serious his condition is or worse you just dont care. 

Post # 11
2783 posts
Sugar bee

There are 7.53 BILLION people on earth….why are you trying to make something work with ONE person that clearly doesn’t work?  


Post # 12
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Sansa85 makes a number of informed and excellent points. It sounds like things are calmer for the moment, but I don’t get the impression you are seeing eye to eye yet. You just got answers you liked better out of your discussion. I’m still not seeing much genuine sympathy from you, just a desire to mould him into the partner you need that is going better than expected. The actual, long-term solutions are going to require treatment for him and tremendous growth for both of you. (Getting into your own therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea, honestly.) 

But best of luck to you both, I hope you both end up happy.

Post # 14
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

futurebound :  

So your bf tried one med for anxiety, had a bad side effect and quit treatment.  There are other meds.

Anyone struggling with PTSD belongs in treatment with a properly trained expert. There are specialized treatments (EMDR, i.v. Ketamine infusion, in particular) that have been empirically proven highly successful in treating PTSD.

This not something your bf can fix on his own. And you can research till the cows come home. 

The most loving thing you can do is encourage him to get into therapy with a trauma recovery therapist.


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