A Change Of Heart

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
5570 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

futurebound :  during your ptsd research, have you come across the dangers of self medicating?

Post # 18
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

futurebound :  So he is already self medicating and you are okay with that? Really? WTF?  DO you even realize the statistics when it comes to PTSD? 

46% self medicate and develop drug and alcohol dependency

27% commit suicide

You know he is self medicating because he isnt seeking professional therapy, you are pushing him to do things that cause him increased stress to satisfy your need to go out and you just think research is going to help you understand him better, and he will be less selfish?

Talk about burying your head in the sand. Im sorry Im gonna bow out of the conversation because this angers me terribly. It seems its all about pleasing you in the moment with no care for his long term health.

I would somewhat get it if he was adamant about not seeking treatment and you walked away because you needed to find a healthier relationship but you are contributing to an even unhealthier relationship for him and yourself. 

Im out. 

Post # 22
Member
251 posts
Helper bee

I’m still really not seeing the point of posting this update when you knew our thoughts and feelings about everything and there haven’t been any significant changes made. Having an enjoyable date night doesn’t change the fact that PTSD and anxiety get in the way of even the most healthy (otherwise) relationships, and you’ve said yours has never been that way. 

I really don’t think you’re going to get a thumbs up from any of us. You seemingly acknowledge everyones’ well-thought-out counter points and are STILL pushing forward with this relationship. 

I cannot even begin to describe the long-term dangers of self-medicating with alcohol to deal with anxiety, and I can’t begin to imagine what they’d be for PTSD. That shouldn’t be something that you’re just aware of. That’s scary. I wouldn’t be suggesting therapy to him, I’d be insisting on it and walking away without follow through on his part for that ONE issue alone.

Post # 23
Member
8871 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

futurebound :  Wow, this sounds completely miserable for both of you. But you clearly thrive on chaos and drama, so that’ll be fun. 

Post # 24
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

what a mess

Post # 25
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

futurebound :  “After this, I won’t know if it won’t work or not unless we try.”

Heh, no, no, see… you DO know if it will or won’t work out. In spite of this “revolutionary” conversation, you actually DO know that this will NOT work out. Why? Well, let’s see….

1. Anyone self-medicating with alcohol will not–and I repeat, NOT–be capable of a healthy relationship. Alcoholic speaking here. 

2. Anyone who’s broken up as many times as you’ve implied you have has SERIOUS issues (or just a fundamental lack of maturity). Without dealing with those issues (or without gaining hefty amounts of life experience and maturity), the current relationship will not work out. 

3. You’re not seeing the forest for the trees. You’re concerned that you “don’t go out enough. And it’s summer! Out, out! Woooo!!!!” But the real problems are far deeper than you know (since he’s obviously not told you about them, given your response to his mental situation, and which suggests he barely knows the extent of them himself). So if you don’t see the depth of the real issues causing your relationship to legitimately remain unhealthy, you won’t be able to fix them. If you can’t fix them, well… need I say more? 

Post # 26
Member
10873 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

The man you say you love is struggling with PTSD.  

This is your response to my suggestion that you encourage him to seek treatment with a trauma recovery therapist:

 

. . .  but he’s been content with weed and alcohol and basically not being around people . . .

 

Bee, weed and alcohol are not correct meds for the treatment of PTSD.  They are mood altering substances with addiction potential.  Yes, weed is addictive.  Do some homework. 

To compound the problem, both of those substances are depressive drugs.  So, you’re perfectly ok with your bf self medicating his PTSD with addictive drugs that cause depression.

I won’t lecture you on the dangers of alcohol abuse. That has been long established and the information is easy enough to find, if you care enough.

There is also plenty out there now about the long term use of weed.

To summarize, your idea of PTSD management for your beloved is weed, alcohol, and social isolation.

What are you getting out of this, Bee?

Also disturbing is your comment about how you are completely aware that your bf is in need of specialized treatment and you think he is too. WTAF?

You’re just mind reading here and making his treatment decisions? If so, you are making horrible ones.

Do you not discuss his treatment options? 

It sounds as if you are feeding into and enabling the worst and most destructive choices your bf could be making.

Again, I ask, what are you getting out of this?

Are you aware that among people who have been diagnosed with PTSD TWENTY SEVEN PERCENT have attempted suicide?

https://www.verywellmind.com/ptsd-and-suicide-2797540

And wtf kind of *love* is this?  Grownup love means acting in the best interests of the other. You’re not.

futurebound :  

Post # 27
Member
4230 posts
Honey bee

You’re just not getting it. This guy isn’t being treated for a serious mental disorder but self medicates with pot and alcohol. You think you have the power to turn him into a well-adjuted man who will gladly go places and do things with you. You’re not in touch with reality here.

Post # 28
Member
10873 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sunburn :  

Which takes us right back to my question.

What is OP getting out of this?

No human does anything without a payoff; no matter how perverse it may be.

Post # 29
Member
5570 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

sassy411

I wanted to ask if we are seeing codependency here, I’ve never fully understood the definition.

But I think we are just seeing selfishness. She’s not relying on him being sick which is my understanding of codependency. She’s ignoring the ptsd and anxiety and hoping he can just get through it with pot and alcohol. She’s ok with him self medicating so he will go out on a date night with her

I think it’s just to continue on her way to marriage

Post # 30
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

He is self medicating with pot and alcohol? Are you kidding me? ” He is not an alcoholic”. Oh bee soon enough he will be drinking moring until night. Trust me, I suffer from PTSD and I am an alcoholic in recovery. You are enabling him because you are putting blinders on thinking that this is o.k. When he drinks he is problary happy and in a better mood, so he will agree to go out with you and you both are great. Well guess what alcohol is a depressant. You feel good at the time and once it wears off all those shitty feelings come right back. So guess what alcoholics do? We keep drinking so we don’t have to feel. Morning, noon, and night. We hide the booze and we lie. You should be ashamed of yourself. It’s only a matter of time.

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