- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
A Christmas Angel
Christmas is a time of joy and celebrations. The merriment is abound and sometimes, it’s these moments that are the worst. For those of us who have experienced loss, Christmas can be bittersweet at best some times. I am feeling the heartache tonight so I wanted to share; my story and what I’ve learned. Please feel free to share your story too. It can be really helpful I think to share and to hear other stories. I know getting it out there really takes the edge off for me. Talking about our loved ones lost is okay and I think even good at this time of year.
My Christmas angel is my forever baby brother, Nicho. Born oct 22, 1996, almost a month early. He was always sick. Born with complications, he has his foot amputated almost immediately after birth and a shunt out in his brain due to complications. I was not quite 7 so I didn’t know what it meant, except that he was very sick and in the hospital a lot. We cherished the times he was healthy enough to come home but they were few and far between. Life was turned upside down but we all managed.
He wa a beautiful soul. His smile lit up a whole room. When I think about that smile, my eyes well up and I smile too. It’s still infectious. For a sick boy, he sure was cheerful. He never walked or talked but he had his way of getting right into your heart. He was always a baby in my eyes, small and frail and in bed. But he is my baby brother. My forever baby brother.
I don’t have a lot of memories from my childhood. I remember the day it happened though. Nov 28, 2000. I had just turned 11 not even a week before. It was raining and my grandma put us is a cab to go to the hospital. We sat in the waiting room and then my mom came and told us he was gone. When I look back on that moment, I can’t even begin to imagine her pain. I wish I could have been old enough to do something smart. I probably just cried.
Its been 13 years now, which is more than half my life, and a lot has changed. I still remember him and I cry sometimes, but I have come to terms with the loss of a loved one. It took a lot. A lot of grieving and a lot if soul searching. A lot of pain. My life was pretty troubled after. It took me a long time to even deal with what happened.
I have learned a lot of things from my baby brother since the day he was born, I’d like to share them.
The most important thing he taught me is to smile. Even when life is the absolute worst it can be. If he could do it, I sure can. And I do, in his memory. It’s worth it. It really makes life more bearable.
Spend time. You don’t always get as much as you think. Four years isn’t a long time. No one could have known it would happen. You can’t take back lost time.
When someone you love dies, you’d like to think that everything changes. A lot of life just goes on, and it goes on fast. The world does not stop when your world stops. You’ll be okay.
When people tell you time heals things, they’re not kidding. If you haven’t had the time yet, you probably don’t believe them. Take solace in the knowledge that you someday will. This too shall pass.
Talking about it is okay. Nobody minds. It’s good for you, it’s good for them. it does not have to be some hidden dark sad secret. It is your life, your loved one. Talk about it. Never stop.
Cry. I sobbed at first, and as time passed I cried. Now I mostly well up and drop tears down my face, one at a time. They’re happy memories now.
Christmas always brings up these feelings really fast and hard for me. It just seems to bring up the memory. Christmas used to be kind of a sad time for the whole family but as time has passed, it has become a joyful time of memories and sharing. It’s really beautiful.
Every Christmas, my baby brother gives me something special. He gives me the belief that we can love and lose and life can go on. I can be okay. We can be okay.
Merry Christmas to everyone; may you find peace in the good things and may you cherish the memory yet heal at the same time.