A Dear Abby column got me thinking.. Stealing Thunder

posted 1 year ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Would you announce the pregnancy a week before the wedding
    No. Its inappropriate and thunder stealing : (73 votes)
    46 %
    Yes: Good news is always welcome : (48 votes)
    30 %
    Why is he asking and not his wife? Its her sister. : (19 votes)
    12 %
    Doesnt matter one way or the other. : (19 votes)
    12 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    1555 posts
    Bumble bee

    sunburn :  I’m genuinely surprised by the responses here!! 

    It honestly wouldn’t even occur to me not to announce the week before a wedding. And I’d never raise an eyebrow if anyone else did it either. People can be excited and happy about more than one thing at a time. But I’m probably also in the camp of “it’s just a wedding” 😜

    Post # 47
    Member
    1555 posts
    Bumble bee

    Mrs.MilitaryBee :  I guess the “cost of waiting” is that hiding a pregnancy can suck. It doesn’t have to be about wanting other people to celebrate you, it’s hard to conceal. It’s also how long do you have to wait? People say brides get one day, now it sounds like they also get at least the week before and up until after the honeymoon!? What is the cost of announcing the week before? Someone might talk about something other than the bride? That’s inevitable anyway.

     

    I had morning sickness until 16+ weeks with this pregnancy, and it was a total relief when I was able to finally tell people that I was pregnant. No more pretending that the sight of particular things didn’t have me running to the bathroom to throw up. Pretending I didn’t have dietary restrictions. Pretending I could drink alcohol. People definitely do notice, even if you think you’re being subtle. Far better to have it out in the open. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    1555 posts
    Bumble bee

    Mrs.MilitaryBee :  hiding it before we announced! Presumably all women are hiding it before they announce or there’d be nothing to announce!

    Post # 50
    Member
    1044 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    I think this depends to a large extent on your ability and willingness to lie to people’s faces when they ask you a direct question.

    At my sister’s wedding, lots of relatives who I see only once a year were asking when I’d have children. Fortunately I wasn’t pregnant and could tell them honestly that it was still a ways off. But if I actually had been pregant, I think it would have been better to tell people in advance rather than risking an inadvertent reveal on the wedding day itself.

    Post # 51
    Member
    249 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    Selfish. 

    Post # 52
    Member
    249 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    Mrs.MilitaryBee :  i completely agree with everything you said, especially your last part. Woman has 9 MONTHS of baby stuff & parties & events all dedicated to her & her 1 event (giving birth,) but it’s greedy for a bride to have a day, or God forbid a WEEK before her wedding??? Pfff, gtfoh… if i had a sister & she pulled that a week b4 my wedding, id be upset, & really hurt tbh. It’s selfish. Whether you’ve been waiting MONTHS or just a few days/less than a month…. my response would be “ok so whats 1 more week?” OR “it’s so early you should wait a bit ANYWAY to make sure the baby is real &/or doesn’t miscarry”… either way there’s ZERO reason to do it within the week of your own sister’s wedding. Ppl are so oblivious, selfish & close-minded these days.

    W t h is wrong with a TINY bit of courtesy/consideration. Yea, live your life, but sheesh. Where does the “Me me me I’m a woman i do what i want f*** everybody else” end? That’s literally the problem. We don’t know HOW the bride is going to react in the scenario, and she could be totally 100% cool with it, no problem. The problem is that you want to do it in the first place.

    Post # 53
    Member
    47 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    If the not drinking is an issue, she could always lie and say she started a new medication that she isn’t supposed to drink while on it.  That or maybe pretend like you’re trying to lose a few pounds so you are cutting out alcohol?  There’s plenty of reasons someone wouldn’t drink besides pregnancy.

    Post # 54
    Member
    868 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I would not care, as long as it wasn’t in a speech at the wedding. I don’t really get the whole ‘thunder stealing’ thing – probably because I don’t love lots of attention anyway.

    Post # 55
    Member
    6444 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I kind of feel like if you have to ask you shouldn’t do it.  But at the same time both events are wonderful.  Although I think I would wait only because I wouldn’t want all the attention on me when the bride is celebrating.

    Post # 56
    Member
    438 posts
    Helper bee

    It would be rude at the wedding/wedding related events. A week before is plenty of time for everyone to be excited and then also be excited for the wedding. There isn’t a finite amount of happiness to be had for people. I also don’t get the idea of “thunder stealing” over all. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    7813 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I’d wait until after the wedding. It’s not a big deal to announce before, but why do that if there’s a risk of upsetting someone? Pregnancy lasts 9 months…there are plenty of opportunities to share the happy news. Why not just give it another two weeks?

    Post # 58
    Member
    2811 posts
    Sugar bee

    It may be because i’m from a very big, very close family, but familial thunder stealing has never made sense to me. There are too many people involved for all of the major moments to be very spread out.

    Besides, one person being pregnant doesn’t take away from the other people getting married. My SIL got engaged a week before our wedding and my husband’s closes cousin got engaged 1-2 days before our wedding. We were absolutely thrilled because it meant we all got to celebrate together while they were in town for our wedding. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    355 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    I don’t think it’s inconsistent to advise brides that they only get one day but still advise others to try to avoid stealing the spotlight. That’s just both sides being considerate of each other.

    Yes you only get one day, but you DO get one day that should be more about you than about somebody else. If your guests prefer to focus on her pregnancy than your marriage on that day, some people (including me) would really find that hurtful. (Maybe in part because I’m childfree and it’s easy to feel like people consider childfree women less deserving of interest or celebration than moms.)

    There’s nothing wrong IMO with announcing a pregnancy a week before a wedding, but there could be something wrong with the way people react to it (i.e. if family members pay less attention to the wedding than they otherwise would). 

    Post # 60
    Member
    7813 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    naivemelody :  There’s nothing wrong IMO with announcing a pregnancy a week before a wedding, but there could be something wrong with the way people react to it (i.e. if family members pay less attention to the wedding than they otherwise would). 

    Yep this exactly. This is why I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t care if someone had done that before my wedding, but I just wouldn’t risk it with someone else’s because you never know who’s gonna be super sensitive to that sort of thing, and also how guests are going to react to big news like that.

    If the concern is people wondering why you aren’t drinking, let them wonder. I am pretty sure 90% of people who saw me socially before I announced my pregnancy assumed I was pregnant when I said no to a drink (I am a pretty boozy person normally so there was just no explaining it lol), but most people have the good grace to play along with you. Which is really the whole point…keep the focus off your big news until the other person’s moment to shine has passed. And with pregnancy you really do get more than one day…it’s pretty much continual attention on you/your pregnancy from a lot of people, esp once you start showing, and I can imagine even more once you actually pop out the kid! 

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