Post # 136
“Sounds like no Bees want to support me in staying. And will otherwise support me if had decided to leave. All I really need is support to keep me going whilst waiting” .
What all bees are saying is that we think you are deluded to expect anything different than what you already have from this man.
If you want to stay , – and your last sentence clearly shows you do , then stay, but for godsake stop expecting him to propose or even want to live with you. Your ‘waiting’ will drive you crazy and has already made you very unhappy . You will be a some sort of saint if you continue like this and do not become bitter and resentful and eventually , utterly duillusioned.
Sure, stay. If you forgo your desire for a husband and children and can be permanently content with what you have , then no problem.
Post # 137
I am so confused as to your acceptance of “soon”. And you are just randomly hoping that “soon” means before July. You had other assumptions in the past of what “soon” means. Why would you not confirm with him exactly what he means by “soon”? Because otherwise July is going to roll around and he will stay be saying “soon” or tell you that your definition of “soon” was too quick. And all that will have been accomplished is you wasted another several months of your life. After 10 years yiud think you could have an honest conversation with him that actually included a more substantial response than “soon”.
Post # 138
He is never going to propose and it’s sad you have wasted so much time
Post # 139
You and SO are in your 30s. Where are you both living now? You said:
“Yes, he can pop the Q randomly. I’ve imagined it to be a very intimate occassion for us.”
Has this been an “intimate” relationship in the physical sense of the word? Another poster asked if there are religious reasons why you don’t live together. I don’t think I saw an answer to that.
Do you think there could be more to the reason he’s so hesitant?
Post # 140
Its not that there is no support you’ve been so long with this guy and year in year out you wait and wait… he is robbing your years away from you. you need to think what it is you want and what makes you happy getting married is only a chapter in a book and not the whole book. sometimes you have to make yourself happy and it sounds like you’re not happy
Post # 142
I don’t have much to say that hasnt already been said. I just feel so bad for you. I hope you learn to value yourself. You deserve better.
Post # 143
Reading this post makes me sad because I’ve been in a similar situation and even wrote a post about it on here a little while ago. I’m 33 and my SO is 40, about to turn 41 this summer. We have been together for 7 years and we still aren’t married. Our situation has been unique in the sense that he is a workaholic entrepreneur, runs his own business in a very hectic fast paced industry and I work in the company with him.
For work reasons we have lived together all these years in a hotel room (yup) which had its perks, but also its downfalls as you can imagine. We spent literally almost every single waking minute together and on top of each other, somehow handling it, and our entire focus has pretty much been on work and building the company, and it’s something I have been equally passionate about. Until the last few years where I started bringing up the subject of our future, marriage, kids, when it would all happen and my priorities have shifted to that versus only on work. His answers were always the same – there is no one else I ever want to be with, you are my everything, I want to be with you forever, but you know what I’m dealing with and how much stress I have right now and I need to just get the company situated where I want it to be first bc if I take my eye off the ball it will fall apart.. and then eventually everything with us will fall into place and you’ll get everything you wanted – marriage, family etc.
He’s never said he absolutely did NOT want marriage or kids (even though he was never enthusiastic about the concept of either on the other hand) and he never set false deadlines for a proposal he never met. But, the issue was that he wouldn’t actually even set a timeline that seemed fair to me. It was always a range – like could be a year, 2 or 5. Then finally this year when things got much worse because of my constant bringing it up and resentment.. I moved out into my own place (right across the street) and thought it would help, but we still have to see each other with work etc so the lines have still been blurred and we are so codependent on each other and still enjoy being together despite everything that it’s been insanely hard to let go.
He thinks I’ve been “mean” but yet says he understands where I’m coming from, then finally said he’d set a timeline for getting engaged “this year” for sure but then “consider probably actually getting married the next year.” Doesn’t make sense why he would be oppposed to me just setting a wedding date other than the fact that he thinks it takes time to plan. The other problem is due to my unhappiness with the situation I’ve flat out told him several times I’m not even sure anymore that I want to marry him if we just aren’t aligned. He also isn’t ready to have kids but said he wouldn’t make me wait more than a few years but it’s hard to predict. That should be on my timeline since it’s my biological clock, not his.
So… I’m in the same predicament and I know I should probably just walk away at this point, it’s just so hard when my entire world both personal and professional has been him. He is a really good person and I know he loves me, and we have a very close bond.. which is hard to break.. so the decision is so incredibly hard and painful. He keeps saying he wants it to last and wants to marry me but he thinks I’m the one that doesn’t anymore because I’ve been acting out so much and saying the things I say.. hard to control emotions and it’s confusing!
Post # 144
Issues are continuing to spiral downwards. I think we’ve reached the bottom of the mariana trench. I keep bringing up the proposal. I can’t help it. He’ll say something or his actions speak louder than words and then it triggers me to relate it somehow to him proposing.
Like for example. Boys and their toys. He’s been wanting a drone for a long time. He’s into visual tech stuff. He has a gopro, DSLR, underwater cameras and a fortnight ago, he bought a drone. A Phantom 4 is quite expensive. When my sister found out she said, “Well there goes part of your engagement ring money!” It’s like he’s spending his time researching other stuff than prioritising planning a proposal and our future.
Then last night over the phone, I brought up the proposal again. Typical of him to shut down. He always says this over and over again. He says he’s had enough and that I’m just a broken record. Then he hangs up. And I go psychotic and start hitting myself on the head. I message him profusely. It’s like talking to a brick wall. I’ve literally reached a brick wall – AGAIN. And it’s driving me mental. Literally. So he can switch his mobile off and have a decent night’s sleep. Whilst I message him over and over again and try getting through to him even though his mobile is off. I lose sleep. 2hrs go by and then I give up because I’m too tired.
Now his mobile is still switched off. And I bet it’s going to be like that the whole day.
This is so toxic. I feel like I need to break up with him and go through the grieving process then get over that to finally find peace and happiness. He doesn’t treat me right obviously. How dare he be a coward and run away whenever I bring up concerns about the proposal and our relationship. He’s treated me like shit in the past. Why is he still doing this to me? When he says that he’s going to propose soon, then why are we still fighting like this? It’s hard to trust his word when he says it’s going to happen soon. I tell him over and over again that if he’s lying to please tell me. Admit the truth. And that now is a good time to just admit the truth. It’s simple. You did it to me before. It should be easy for you to admit the truth again. So just say it. Tell me that it’s not going to happen. Tell me that you haven’t done anything about the proposal and our future. Here’s your chance right here right now. And yet he still says that it’s going to happen soon. I know I have the power to decide, too. But in a relationship it feels like the guy always has the power. Like they hold the truth. You may feel like and want a proposal. But ideally, it’s up to them. Understand? It’s historically the man that has to do the asking. And I feel like I have to shut up and hack it. Hack his lies. Hack how he’s treating me. I am feeling like shit right now. I feel paralyzed to do work. I can’t concentrate. Sometimes I feel like I need therapy. Yet that takes time and money to find someone to talk to. Even my closest friend says that she’s hurting whenever I talk to her about what’s going on in our relationship. Yet she’ll support me in whatever makes me happy. Sometimes I feel like blocking his number. But then I’ve that urge to check if he’s messaged or tried to get through. And if I block his number, it’s giving him the impression that it’s over. That finally I’ve succumbed to his bullshit and it’s even now.
It’s so hard. He says soon. In a good day I believe him. In a bad day which is more often than not, I try so hard to believe him. But our past always returns and haunts me. He’s said soon so many times. Surely this is the last time he’ll say soon and when he says soon it’s the truth. It has to be. And then the past returns.
Before I was OK with waiting. It would take days until another hint of doubt would return. These days it’s more like seconds. Like I’m waiting seconds for him to either propose or he’d finally admit the truth and tell me that he’s done nothing and he’s lying to me all along again, etc. Sorry, I’m trying my best to describe the situation I’m dealing with on a daily basis. It’s hard.
I don’t know what else to say now. My heart feels deflated. It literally hurts and my eyes are welling up with tears. I feel hopeless.
Post # 145
“This is so toxic. I feel like I need to break up with him and go through the grieving process then get over that to finally find peace and happiness. He doesn’t treat me right obviously.” YES! This is BEYOND toxic! Hitting yourself in the head. Bee, you need to step away from this and get yourself healthy! It isn’t too late to get out.
“In a good day I believe him. In a bad day which is more often than not, I try so hard to believe him.”
If you’re having more bad days than good days – why on earth would you want to marry him?? Am speaking from experience here for sure. You need a partner that gives you all the good days, and isn’t going to turn off his mobile when you are struggling. You will have struggles in your life, some related to your relationship and others not. Is this really what you want in a partner?
Post # 146
No, it’s not and this is pushing me towards breaking point. Actually, I’ve hit rock bottom. And he still has the nerve to say that truth is it’s going to happen soon. I just spoke to him this morning. Furious right now.
Post # 147
I was seriously nagging my Fiance the day he proposed. I was REALLY nagging him. Went out and got my nails done and came home to the whole set up. Didn’t he give you a specific month? May? June?
Do you really want him to propose at this point? If you do. Walk away from your phone. Take a step back. Distract yourself with other activities. Take up a hobby. Go out with friends. SOMETHING. And, if that deadline passes with no proposal – WALK AWAY.
If you don’t want him to propose…if you’re so over it and hate what this has done to you / your relationship. Well, you know what to do.
Post # 148
There is absolutely no reason you should believe him when he says he’s going to propose. None.
The question then becomes, why do you want to marry *him*? He can’t be trusted and he treats you like crap.
I think your idea of therapy is a good one. This issue is consuming your whole life. It’s not healthy, Bee.
Post # 149
I don’t think this is good advice. Even if she DOES still want him to propose, it’s pretty clear that hanging around isn’t going to make that happen.
Post # 150
You need to leave. This is not healthy for you or him.