(Closed) A decade WAITING

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

He’s wasted your best years. Even if you can get him to propose at this point, how comfortable are you getting married to someone who was this reluctant to marry you?

I’m so sorry for your situation. It’s really not fair to you. It must be so hard for you to walk but I really think you need to in order to give yourself the opportunity with someone who will actually put as much into the relationship as you are.

Post # 49
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Wow I wish I could hug you right now. 🙁 He should be excited about this. Every wedding I’ve witnessed, the groom has been beaming and genuinely as much into it as the bride is. I can’t imagine getting married when it’s so one-sided.

If I have daughters I will warn them hard about wishy washy men who string them along like this. This is not a pain I would wish on anyone.

Post # 50
Member
464 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
beelinetowhere123 :  sorry you’re in this situation, but if you are having thoughts about finding the ultimate happiness with someone else then maybe engagement is the right path for you two. Maybe he is having these thoughts as well and that’s why he hasn’t proposed yet. If you can imagine being happier with someone else then he isn’t the guy for you no matter how long you’ve been together. 

Post # 51
Member
31 posts
Newbee

Bee, first let me say that I’m sorry you’re hurting. It’s so hard to play the waiting game and to not know what’s going on inside your man’s head. 

Let me also say that it never ceases to amaze me how many times posts such as yours garner the “leave” advice. I understand the need to walk away from a relationship that will never meet your goals for your life. And, I don’t believe for a second that you stayed with this man for a decade without darn good reason. Impulsive actions driven by emotion are rarely effective. I recommend bringing his awareness to how you feel.

My SO and I have been together for over 8+ years and have been talking about engagement seriously since June 2016. He asked my father for his blessing in September. I was patient for a while. The FIRST time I noticed that my patience had waned such that I didn’t feel as joyful while spending time with him, I opened up to him about it. I won’t have something insidious like resentment snake its way into our relationship:  that’s a recipe for disaster. He was totally receptive, validated where I was coming from, and gave me his (very understandable) reasons for having waited. He also said that he had woken up that morning with it on his mind, and asked me to go ring shopping that very weekend.

My point is, I’m sure you guys have been through a lot in ten years. Trust in what you’ve built a little:  talk to him about what’s going on for you, how you’re beginning to feel, that you’re confused and hurt by the fact that he keeps telling you it will happen and it hasn’t. Let him know that this hurts you because you love him and are so excited to start a life with him. If he says something like “I never want to get married” or something else final like that, and refuses o acknowledge and validate your goals, you may consider moving on, as terribly painful as that may be to consider. Whatever happens, I am hoping it leads to happiness for you. Hugs!

Post # 53
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
beelinetowhere123 :  you don’t have to beg the right guy to marry you, he will want to do it. You shouldn’t be worried about him forgetting or being mad you’re bringing it up again. He doesn’t want to he just isn’t man enough to tell you. You have time to move on and find the right guy and someone who would love to marry you without you having to fight for it. 

Post # 54
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

Hey hun, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Your situation clearly sucks and anyone that’s telling you this is your fault, clearly doesn’t understand the circumstances. You love this guy, of course you’re going to stick around! It’s easy to let something like this drag on because you love spending time with him. He promised to propose on Valentine’s day but doesn’t and then promises to do it in June. Of course, you’ll wait! It’s only a couple of months. This happens a few more times and you realize it’s dragged on for 4 years!

Has he ever told you why he didn’t propose? Like instead of just being like,  “Sorry, I promise to promise during our next weekend get away.” Does he explain why he couldn’t have done it that time?

Not putting the blame on you but do you have high expectations for a proposal? Can he just pop the question at a random dinner? Or do you expect him to have an elaborate mob dance followed by fireworks? 

I guess it confuses me that if he says he wants to marry you and has the ring and you also have zero expectations of the type of proposal, why wouldn’t he just propose already?

The only reason I can think of is that he doesn’t want to and he’s just lying to you which in that case is terrible. Another case is perhaps he just doesn’t get it. I know it sounds weird but some guys just don’t “get” certain things. So like many have suggested, just break up with him so it gives him a chance to realize what he’s lost. And if he doesn’t come back to you, then you have your answer.

Post # 56
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

If I were you, I’d just propose to him instead on your anniversary. If he already has the ring, then it will already be easy for your ring. This is your life, you are 32 years old. Take control of your life. I waited for 3 months and it literally drove my crazy, so I have no idea how you are holding up. If he doesn’t say yes to you, then at least you have your clear answer, that he actually doesn’t want to marry you and you can finally move on with your life knowing the truth. I proposed back to my Fiance with a gold chain necklace because I wanted to do a grand gesture for him and make him feel special also. At least that way you can make sure that your anniversary is a special day, not a day where you are mad and upset about him possibly not proposing. And if it just so happens that he was planning to propose, well in that case even easier, he just needs to whip out the ring and bam. Make sure that he knows you aren’t just going to sit around and watch your life pass you by and at 32 years old, you are running out of time for children and want to get married asap. So if he says yes, you can go and set your date and start planning. 

Post # 57
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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annalisarose :  “If he says something like “I never want to get married” or something else final like that, and refuses o acknowledge and validate your goals, you may consider moving on, as terribly painful as that may be to consider.”

The problem is, a lot of guys on these waiting boards are too cowardly to actually come out and say that to their gf’s. They’re happy enough in the relationship…they dont’ want ot break up…but they’re also unwilling to take it to the next level. In other words, they want to have their cake and eat it too. We see this again and again. Bees waiting for years and years for a proposal that their SO continually says is just around the corner, but never comes. This is why I am a supporter of setting internal walk dates. How else can you be sure if your guy is one of those that just needs a bit more time to “get there,” or he’s one that never intends to marry you but doesn’t want to interrupt the status quo and blow everything up by saying so?

After 10 yrs, I think an internal walk date is more than fair. For me, I’d do it after the anniversary. If he doesn’t propose anniversary weekend, end it. That will show him you’re not effing around with this. It will either spur him into action of finally proposing, or if he lets you walk, reveal that he never intended to marry you.

Post # 58
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
beelinetowhere123 :  Does he have money issues? My Fiance waited a bit longer because he wanted to hit a milestone in his debt snowball before he bought a ring.

I would trust your gut. I don’t think anyone would blame you if you decided to walk after this weekend. But if you feel in your heart that you want to be with him, then stay. Don’t let strangers on the internet influence such a huge life decision if it’s not what you truly want. Would it be better if you guys moved in together?

Just make sure that whatever decide it’s what YOU truly want.

Post # 59
Member
694 posts
Busy bee

I would leave. It’s not the 10 years without a ring that would bother me but the blatant disregard for your feelings, the broken promises and the fact he’s got you to the point that you’re worried that he will just ‘forget’ to propose if you don’t talk to him again.

Leave

Post # 60
Member
13924 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I don’t necessarily believe he has a ring. And if he has had one for 18 months that’s just as bad. He’s lied to your face  multiple times and seems to have no good reason. He doesn’t even act sorry. 

Why do you want to marry someone who could treat you this way? If he finally proposes, are lies and failure to follow through on promises the kind of thing you can live with?  Because this kind of behavior isn’t necessarily limited to a proposal, or lack thereof.

I do think the long weekend “requirement” is  especially crazy under the circumstances, but it pales in comparison to what he’s put you through. 

I’m not sure I’d say yes at this point. Actually, I would have left him years ago. 

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