(Closed) A decade WAITING

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
9754 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s not going to marry you. Not soon, not ever. He’s shown you this in every way imaginable.

Woman up and take charge of your own life and happiness and find someone who shares compatible goals with you.

The only other option is to say “SO, I want to be married. I have set an appointment at the courthouse for this Thursday at 2pm.” See what his response is, if he gives you excuses then you have your answer.

Post # 62
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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beetea :  “Your best years”?

Please.

I’m 57 and getting married this fall-and I’m in my ‘best years’ right now, thank you.

Post # 63
Member
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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beelinetowhere123 :  We weren’t together anywhere near as long but my ex was like this, promising he would propose and never actually doing. HE NEVER WANTED TO MARRY ME. FULL STOP. If I hadn’t had ended it, we would still be together having the same old arguments with me wanting to get married and him telling me yes, one day.

 

MOVE ON and make yourself available for someone who wont need to be begged/ nagged – someone that will be falling over them f*cking selves to marry your awesome ass!

Post # 64
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

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TinderBoxx :  I think everyone’s best years are right now, which is why OP shouldn’t waste hers in this unhappy relationship. 

Post # 65
Member
31 posts
Newbee

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beelinetowhere123 :  I hear you. So he’s saying the “right” things in the moment but not following through. People need to be called out on that:  “Yes, I hear you saying ‘soon’ but for someone who has been devoted to you for 10 years, that isn’t cutting it anymore for me.” Being that you’ve been with him for ten years, I would keep going back to that and using it to fuel your point, like:  “For ten years I’ve been forming a life with you and I want to marry you, make a family. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but I’m starting to think, given that you have said ‘soon’ and then soon never comes, that you don’t have intentions of marrying me. If that’s the case, as much as it would hurt me, I will leave you and look for someone who does want that.” In this situation, I’d support giving him a timeline. One that is reasonable for him to get his stuff in order but that isn’t so much time that he sits around procrastinating. 

I understand that it’s very upsetting when he becomes agitated at these discussions. And, given that this is so painful for you and that you have some big decisions in front of you, it’s up to you to bring his awareness to that. Like “I see you’re getting annoyed which makes me feel like you really don’t want to talk about this anymore. And that only adds to my confusion and frustration, and amplifies my thought that you have no intention of moving forward.” If he says something like “I feel like I’m being nagged” or “this is the second time you’ve brought it up this week.” just keep validating where you’re coming from:  “yes, I’m bringing it up again because that’s what one does when there is an important issue that isn’t getting addressed.” Gentle yet firm and direct. Don’t let him dodge.

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tiffanybruiser :  I definitely take your point. Not all people are upfront and honest. That’s why I do believe in setting limits but what gets to me is the immediate advice to leave. There could be hundreds of reasons why he hasn’t proposed; I’d try my best to learn what they truly are and if they are completely invalid or he just won’t share them, I’d go ahead and set a timeline and inform him of it.

Post # 66
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think you need to get over the idea of having a “perfect” and surprise proposal. All getting engaged requires is two people to agree that they want to get married in the foreseeable future and then start planning it. 

If I were you, next time you see him say “do you want to get married? Great. So do I. So that makes us engaged. Where’s the ring you already bought? How do you feel about a spring 2018 wedding? We can discuss budget for it tomorrow. I’d really love an outdoor wedding and we start looking at venues next week.” 

Many people have gotten engaged in very similar fashions to above. They are no less married/engaged and no less in love  

If he still balks at that, you have your answer. He doesn’t want to get married. 

Post # 67
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

I would say give him one more chance to propose at the dinner, but if he does propose, will you be happy/joyful/ecstatic, or will your reaction be “Gee, he finally followed through”?

A proposal is not going to erase the years of resentment you have for this person. I know people have gotten over that, but I don’t see how those feelings can be overcome.

Remember a proposal is still him asking you to marry him. It’s a question, not a statement. Do you want to say yes?

I can’t really see a way for this to work out where you’re happy. A ring isn’t going to solve all your problems. 

Post # 68
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

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beelinetowhere123 :  If you were my age (26) and had been waiting 10 years I’d tell you to keep waiting. My Fiance and I were together for 10 years before he proposed but we were still in our early 20’s. You are in your 30’s, you’ve been with a man for 10+ years, and he STILL hasen’t proposed? That’s a commitment issue. Break up with him. 

Post # 69
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

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beelinetowhere123 :  You have already wasted 10 years, why waste another second? I was with my Fiance for 10 years as well, but there was always clear communication on when we would get engaged, and we BOTH agreed on the plan: after college, and we were working for at least a year (we both got our master’s degree, so this pushed the engagement a few years). Sure, I would have loved to be engaged sooner, as I watched several friends get married and got excited for my own, but Fiance and I both had mutual respect for each other’s wishes. However, it seems as if you and your SO want different things, and this decision is very one sided. You either need to get on board with the idea of never getting married, or leave. Those are the only actions YOU can take. You cannot force him to propose (obviously hasnt worked so far), and do you really want to be with a man who you have to force anyway? Trust me, if he wanted to marry you, he would. You deserve someone who will move mountains to make you happy. 

Post # 70
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

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chocochai :  I would advise against this. My parents did something simillar.  My mom asked my dad “are you going to marry me or what?” and he said “I’m 99% sure”. so she started planning the wedding, and his deadline to be sure was the wedding date.

They are not happily married, to say the least, and he still holds this against her. He was a stringer-on type person as well. She had helped put him through graduate school. He never wanted to marry her. I am a product of their union so this feels weird to say, but they would have been better off breaking up.

OP, if marraige is a deal breaker for you, why have you stayed 10 years? Imo, a man that wants to ask you to marry him will do it. A woman who considers marriage a deal breaker will break it off. Niether person will wait 10 years to act on their true feelings. 

Maybe being married isn’t a deal breaker for you, and you’ve yet to come to terms with it?  It is very unlikely you will marry the OP,  and even less likely that any marriage would be free of the resentment I described above.

Post # 71
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee

Why don’t you propose to him? Stop letting someone else be in charge of your destiny. If he says no, then you’ll have your answer and can move on with your life.

Post # 72
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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TeresaBenedicta :  I understand your story. But that’s not quite what I was suggesting. “Are you going to marry me or what?” Is more of an ultimatum. Also not ok is answering any less than 100%. “I’m 99% sure” is not good enough and would be the same as a no in my books. 

What I was suggesting is that they have an adult conversation about an adult decision. Getting engaged doesn’t require a big romantic proposal. They can discuss is together, since it’s a joint decision and decide together to be engaged. 

Clearly he doesn’t want to get married. But his excuse keeps being the proposal. This takes that excuse away and then hopefully his actual desires will show through 

Post # 73
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2007

Stop waiting!  Move on. 

Post # 74
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

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chocochai :  Point taken about the 99% thing. Should have activated a neon pink sign above my dad’s head “DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY.” 

Something that gives me anxiety is snowball syndrom. One half of the couple is strongly on board with the marriage and the other is just tagging along because they boarded the train without meaning to one day and now it’s moving too fast to get off … gosh that pushes all my anxiety buttons. I guess, where marriage is concerned, I feel like consent needs to be an enthusiastic yes.  Don’t start planning the wedding just because the person doesn’t object, or says in yes to a hypothetical marriage, and you yourself want it so bad you will accept the less than enthusiatic consent.

Basically, I don’t think what’s holding this guy back is the proposal. He likes the idea of marriage in theory but doesn’t want to make it a reality. Best not to back this person into a corner because he will fold and then the reward for “winning” will be she is stuck with him.

Post # 75
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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TeresaBenedicta :  totally agree with your points. But I wasn’t suggesting backing him into a corner. After 10 years, my assumption is that they can have a conversation about what each of them want and come to a mural decision about their relationship status and future life steps. Expecting a “surprise” proposal, and especially one that she has specific requirements for, isn’t going to happen. It hasn’t happened for the last two years, it’s not going to happen for th next two years. Expecting that is part of the problem. So they should both be grown up and make grown up decisions together. This is how she will find out how he really feels because he can no longer say “don’t worry I’ll propose soon” when the topic is about being engaged right then. 

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