(Closed) A decade WAITING

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 91
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

Bee, you’re cutting him too much slack because he’s done nice, supportive things for you in the past. But in truth- don’t all decent partners do this? It doesn’t give him a free pass to continually break his word to you. I’m sorry, but making several timelines with you, breaking them without a prior sit down talk about it even, then saying he can’t feel forced and will do it in his own good time, what the hell kind of mindfuckery is that?! He’s not only comfortable and okay with repeatedly breaking his promises, he spin doctors it into you pressuring him and decides that he gets to call the shots while leaving you in limbo. That’s not how a relationship should work 🙁

Post # 92
34 posts

I would move on. I know it sounds difficult, but marriage is apparently not something he wants. If you break up and he doesn’t realize what he lost, then it’s his loss. You’re too good for this!

Post # 93
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

At ten years you shouldn’t be considering a surprise proposal or waiting for him to get into the “mood” to propose. You need to tell him you’re considering walking if your really are, not as an ultimatum. If your can’t sit down with him and have a singular conversation with him and at the end of that conversation both decided together  you’re engaged AT THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT…  He will never marry you!!! I’m sorry to say. 

You need to put away your dream of marrying this man forever or walk alway because he never will. He is going to continue  gaslighting you until you’re elderly. 

I fell for the whole “don’t nag thing” let me tell you, it’s wrong. If something is important to you it should be a frequent topic of conversation. On a scale of one to ten how important is getting married to you? If it’s a 7 or above you should be forced to shove your feelings down an shut up  about it. 

Holding on to the surprise proposal and tradition has put you at an disadvantage. The only reason he feels he can get away with this is because he is playing on your hope and knows you won’t leave. Marriage is not important to this man, no matter what he says. His actions say it’s not. You’ve been accommodating him for 10 years while he’s silencing you. 

Post # 94
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee, I feel you are tying yourself in knots trying to be a “good girl,” and on your “best behavior” so that you can be deserving of a proposal from a guy who lies to your face, repeatedly breaks promises to you, refuses to be specific about your future together, and gives you the run-around. For 10 years. Marriage is not a gift that is his to bestow on you if you are good. It is a mutual decision to spend your life together. He will not propose no matter how perfect, pleasant, and calm you are. And why should you have to deny your feelings, swallow your sadness, walk on eggshells, and otherwise not be yourself? Shouldn’t he want the real you? And if we’re talking about being on our best behavior, why doesn’t he try to be a better BF? You’re trying so hard not to disturb his delicate phyche, while he runs rough-shod over your feelings at every turn. Shouldn’t he be thinking, “wow, if I keep lying to her, she might leave me. I should try to be better”? Really, Bee, stop giving him all this power.

And just to note, no it is not “objectively true” that a woman’s best years to be married are her 20’s and 30’s. Fertility is another question and certainly something to seriously consider, but many women feel at their best and have their best relationships beyond those ages. Your best is not behind you. I’m at my best now at 42 and I met my Boyfriend or Best Friend at 38. I hope things get even better as I continue to live my life and gain experience and knowledge.

Post # 95
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Any updates?

Post # 96
11179 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

beelinetowhere123 :  

You said he has ‘blatantly lied’ to your face.  He makes you feel crazy.  He makes you feel like a ‘dumb shit’.  As a PP posted, you feel that you must walk on egg shells and be absolutely perfect so as not to cause him to push this imaginary proposal further into the future.

This is madness.

OP, the biggest mistake you’re making is that you are still listening to this guy’s *words*.  You have more than ample evidence that his words mean absolutely nothing.  That’s what’s making you feel so ‘crazy’.  The words and the actions are so far apart, it’s crazy making.  From this moment forward, promise yourself that you will tune out his words and focus on his behavior.

Once you distill out the behavior from the words, the reality becomes crystal clear.  This man is more likely to fly a space mission to Mars than he is to marry you.

I am truly sorry, OP.   But, if you drill right down to it–what are you really losing here?  A guy who lies to your face, can’t be trusted to keep his word and is dismissive of your feelings.  What a catch!

This relationship clearly brings you no joy.

Post # 97
3855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

He makes you feel bad for pressuring him about it and says he’ll do it in his own time? When he’s had a decade and hasn’t done it??? The absolute nerve of the man! F*ck that! Stop being meek and tell him exactly what you think. He needs a good kick in the rear. Set a walk date, set consequences, propose to him yourself (he doesn’t want you to but he’s not doing it himself so screw that). Stop allowing this situation. You control your life.   

Post # 98
293 posts
Helper bee

you need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you are feeling, he can’t fix what he doesnt know. Really tell him you are feeling so unhappy and that you wanted it to be intimate. but you also didnt expect to be waiting a decade. You can also even phrase it in the sense, if he doesnt want to be with you or isnt sure to please let you go and be with someone who does and stop wasting your time. A girl’s body is a ticking time bomb

Post # 100
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

beelinetowhere123 :  I would have walked out when he whipped out the box of earrings.  At least you have a walk out date, let him know and stick to it.

Post # 101
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

beelinetowhere123 :  I honestly don’t understand why you are still with him. He doesn’t want what you want. He is not going to propose by june or july – why would he? What is he waiting on? Hell no. 

Post # 102
7669 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Threads like this make me craaaazzzyyyy but having stayed in my own dead-end relationship far too long in the past, I have no room to judge.

OP, the only question I would ask you is why July? Has your bf done or said something to give you hope that he’s really planning something?

Post # 103
75 posts
Worker bee

I would have walked out that night. There is not one Bee here who has given you the advice to stay. What does that tell you??

Post # 104
6855 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

beelinetowhere123 :  Wait. He whipped out a jewelry box that DIDN’T have a ring in it and you DIDN’T immediately get up and walk out?!

Post # 105
27 posts
  • Wedding: March 2018

Hi Beeline – 

So sorry he didn’t propose around your 10 year anniversary.  Stay true to yourself.  You’ve decided to walk in mid-July.  Are you going to let him know that?  Does he know you are ready to move on if he doesn’t propose?  Please keep us updated and be sure to let us know what happens in July.

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