(Closed) A dependent spouse: she may be in a wheelchair for life, and he left.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do if your partner became dependent on you for physical care?
    I would stay no matter what : (192 votes)
    39 %
    I would stay if we were married - in sickness and health, right? : (89 votes)
    18 %
    I would stay, but hire outside help : (186 votes)
    38 %
    I would leave the relationship - even though I'd want to stay, it would be too hard : (10 votes)
    2 %
    Other - please explain : (15 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I don’t know if I would leave or not. I definitely wouldn’t leave in the early stages, but once life it’s back to “”””””normal””””” I might. 

    I really can’t say one way or the other what I’d do, but I don’t think it’s selfish or wrong to leave. We have the right to pick within reason what kind of life we want.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    (btw there’s no poll)

    Post # 5
    Member
    1685 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’ve never been there, so I know I shouldn’t pass judgement…

    But I’m in it for better or for worse.  I may not enjoy it, but I love him unconditionally.  That means I would stay.

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    3772 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I can kind of see it happening if they were just bf/gf. But they’re engaged. Meaning he wanted to make the commitment to be with her for the rest of his life, through thick and think. So if this is his attitude now, what is stopping him from leaving a spouse in the future for the same reason. 

     

    “He explained that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with a dependent spouse, and that she wasn’t in a wheelchair when he met her and made the commitment” 

     

    that is a piss poor excuse, because of what I just said. Okay so say he married her and there was an accident and she was paralyzed. So does that make his commitment to her null and void because she wasn’t a dependent spouse when they got married?

    However, I am not in the situation… so it’s not a place for me to judge. She can look at it this way, at least she’s not marrying a guy that will run at the first sign of trouble.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    now that I see your poll, I have to add: I would DEFINITELY hire outside help, whatever I have to do to afford it

    Post # 9
    Member
    993 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    your poll isn’t showing up 

    Personally I think this behaviour is disgusting.  Yeah its stressful and difficult, but that doesn’t mean its ok to run away from it.  He sounds like a coward.

    Sorry to be harsh on your friend but just hearing about this makes my blood boil.

    I know older couples with dependent spouses, one like this with the woman in a wheelchair because of a car accident.  The kids were older and helped too.  That’s what families do, and when you’re committing yourself to marrying someone they are your family.

    I have considered how this might be if Fiance or I have something happen.  I trust him to take care me as I would him.  It wouldn’t be easy but I love him unconditionally.

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    They were engaged and planning a wedding, he gets them in an accident that causes her to be paralyzed and then he leaves her because she’s paralyzed.  That is a pretty dick move.  He could at least put off the wedding for a year or two and see if he can deal with it or not.  I guess I can say (with a heavy heart), at least she learned that he wasn’t totally committed to her before they got married.

    Post # 11
    Member
    5405 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I am the dependent person in our relationship. In our situation it is (hopefully) not permanent, but it is/has been long term. FH takes care of me and is my rock. I wasn’t sick when I met him either. These kinds of stories make me so sad, because everyone should be as lucky as me to find a wonderful partner who truly believes in sickness and in health. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1333 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @BoxerLady:  Gosh, as I read this of course I thought ‘WHAT A DICK!’ (in regards to your friend).  Having never lived it, I of course would hope that I have the strength to LOVE THAT PERSON thru SICKNESS AND HEALTH, TIL DEATH DO US PART, but honestly, a lot lesser things have occurred in marriages that have caused a divorce.

    I know, here on the bee, I have read countless bees post about other forms of dependency, albeit not just physical.  People go thru chemical dependecies, prolonged mental health inssues/dependencies, etc.  And I always urge them in writing, or mentally, to keep working at it.

    Honestly, I think (hope, pray) I would stand by my partners side, especially in marriage, because he is my best friend at the core of it all.  Would paralysis, etc, change that?!  No.  However, it would change him (I would think); emotionally, mentally, etc, and thus me too.  And maybe even ‘us’.  But, I know for certain, my response IF it came to ending it, would not be ‘i cannot be with someone whom is paralyzed’, but rather ‘i am no longer compatible with who he became’, etc.  But only if I tried every possible way to be ‘there’.

    This is a toughie 🙁

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Wow, I can’t imagine ever leaving my husband for anything. If he becamse paralyzed it would be really tough but I wouldn’t leave him because of it. I wouldn’t be his caretaker though, I would hire a nurse. Of course, I would take care of him but I don’t think you can really sustain a healthy marriage if you become the nurse.

    Post # 14
    Member
    8424 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @BoxerLady:  that was already his Fiance meaning he had already asked her to marry him so I think it is very shallow for him to leave. She is still capable of loving and beign a wonderful spouse.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Just b/c she is in a wheelchair doesn’t make her dependant. I have a cousin in a wc who can’t walk that lives a very normal life and he isn’t dependent on anyone. Many people work and take care of themselves just fine…..the only thing she can’t do is walk…..she can still learn to lead a normal life.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    I know exactly what I would do…….be supportive and LOVE them regardless and I sure wouldn’t leave!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    By asking someone to marry me or accepting marriage you are already choosing to make a commitment to that person …….that is how I see it.So you ask what I would do I would stay with the person and help them recover and do whatever it took to be by their side thru good times and bad. I wouldn’t leave just b/c someone couldn’t walk but thats me.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Edit…….not sure why my repsonse has so many spaces in it!

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    3041 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    @BoxerLady:  Was the accident his fault?

    IMO, there is a different commitment level between being engaged & being married. If I was engaged & in this situation I would try to make it work. If I were married & was in this situation, I would make it work. There’s a difference, however knowing me I wouldn’t leave because of that. I know people who’s doctors told them they wouldn’t survive & they did… & friends of friends have been told one thing by doctors & they were okay. I wouldn’t give up hope that my SO would be able to walk one day.

    Post # 16
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Many things change with something like this.

     

    For example, I want children. If I can’t have children with my husband because he can’t take care of them, for me that would be a deal breaker. And I don’t think I’m being selfish, but there are some things that I’m not willing to give up.

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