(Closed) A disappointing Valentine's Day

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
8992 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Yak:  I am sorry but I don’t understand what you are upset about. So showing he loves you (flowers, hugs, a gift, more hugs) is not good enough for you?

Post # 20
Member
538 posts
Busy bee

@j_jaye:  how would it make you feel if your SO NEVER said he loved you and you had to ask him to say it? Actions are extremely important but in this instance, the ACTION she wants him to do is say I love you. It’s simple and he knows it would make her happy. She has the right to be upset.

Post # 21
Member
8992 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Yak:  But why are your wants more important than his? His want is to show you he loves you which he clearly does.

@daffodil89:  As I said above why is her want more important than his? I honestly wouldn’t care if someone didn’t say I love you to me. As long as I knew they loved me by them showing me in the little acts and they way they treat me I wouldn’t need validation. ANd if you read the OP’s post her So says he loves her just not often so it is not the case of him NEVER saying I love you.

 

 Sometimes when we are in the depth of self indulgent thought and misery we need to stop and think about the other person in the equation. Maybe saying I love you is something psychologically tough for this guy. Just because the OP demands she wants it, it doesn’t mean that her partners has to comply or has the ability to give it to her.

If it is really such a deal breaker for the OP then she needs to leave the relationship and find a guy who is into repeatedly verbally telling her that he loves her. If she truly loves this guy then she will accept that how he expresses love is by doing. Neither are wrong or right but should be respected.

Post # 22
Member
1031 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@Yak:  Dangon skippy it could. I would never attempt to decrement how you feel, but there are many others that wish this was their problem. Perhaps, when you calm down you can revisit this issue with him, but try not to beat it to death cause you don’t want it to get bigger than it needs to be.

Post # 24
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

Ask him if he’s willing to see a therapist with you.  I really think it would help you both out a lot to work through this issue.  Can he write that he loves you?  Maybe ask him for a love letter each week if that’s easier for him than saying it.  But I would work with someone on this.

Post # 25
Member
3864 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think if it is that important to you he should make a point to say it more often. I’m not big on physical affection (kissing all the time, etc) but it is important to my Darling Husband so I make a point to remember to do it and initiate it. Definitely read the love languages book! It might make more sense to him if laid out logically (I.e. This is her love language even if it’s not mine so I should do this to make sure she feels loved). Good luck with your discussion!

Post # 26
Member
538 posts
Busy bee

 @j_jaye:  We are going to have to agree to disagree here. I see your point and respect it, but relationships are about giving 100% to your partner…even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone a little to make the other person happy. It sounds like the OP has been patiently dealing with this for years and I would not label her as self indulgent. Clearly this is bothering her and he is ignoring the situation all together. Right now the OP is feeling misunderstood and disappointed…thats what we should be focusing on…not telling the OP that she is self indulgent or has no right to be upset. We are all human, and humans have many emotions. It is great that you don’t let things like this bother you, but try to have some empathy.

 

@hollyberry4:  +1! Effort, that’s all the OP is looking for 🙂

Post # 28
Member
538 posts
Busy bee

@Yak:  I’m so glad it worked out for you! I like when discussions end positively 🙂

Post # 29
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

Hopefully he told you he loved you during the discussion. 

Post # 30
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@j_jaye:  Let’s just pretend here for one minute that saying “I love you” IS psychologically tough for this guy, and there is a legit reason.  OK– so be it.  But IF this is the case, this guy owes his SO an explanation– it doesn’t sound like he’s ever sat down and talked to her about how saying “I love you” is a psychological issue for him.  Now if he had, and OP was saying “I don’t care that it’s tough, it’s what I want!!”– then sure, I suppose we might want to consider her self-indulgent.  But until OP’s SO communicates this with her, why should she have to assume he has a psychological issue with it.

As with almost anything in relationships, communication goes a long way.  If OP’s SO would just talk to her- let her know why he has such a hard time with those 3 words (because let’s be honest– when you love someone, how hard is it to day those three little words?  I had a thread that asked how often people say I love you.  While there were exceptions to the rule, the majority of people confirmed multiple times a day)–  so OP’s SO needs to step up and and at least offer some insight as to why this is so difficult for him.  Otherwise, what’s the point in being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t “talk”?

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