Post # 1
so, after an argument a few weeks ago, I had not talked at all to my guy about anything relationship-related. He insinutated that he had regrets about telling me he was going to propose on our last vacation, and that he did not plan to propose until after law school… which I am not happy about, but i’m dealing with it.
He says this while we are having lunch two days ago, “I can’t wait until we have our own place.” and something to the effect of “I want to live together before we get engaged.” We are recently through college and still live with our parents, so its not like moving in together would save us money.
I said something like “I’d like to be engaged before moving in. I’d gladly move in with you before we are married, but I’m wishy-washy about doing it before being engaged. As much as you say you want to surprise me, itd be that much harder if we were living together.”
Now that I think about it it miffs me that he even asked that. I mean, if he really thought we could afford to live together, then he can sure as heck afford a ring. If he brings this up again that’s what i’ll tell him. What do you ladies think? have you had this dicussion with your guy? what came of it?
Post # 3
I think you’re being smart and would stand your ground.
Post # 4
Is the issue really that he wants to surprise you or you want to be surprised? Or is it more that you are worried you will never get engaged if you move in without the proposal? If it’s the latter, I would sit down and tell him this. He can always propose now and get you the ring later (when he gets through law school and gets a good job). is he worried about money or about losing focus in school or he’s just not ready to get married?
Post # 5
I fully support living together pre-marriage, it gives you *so* much insight into your future partner and yourself! That said, this could be a prime opportunity for compromise: he wants to wait until after law school to propose, so that gives you a timeline to work with and gives you both the experience of getting to know each other that much better by cohabitating 🙂
Post # 6
I totally agree with MapleBecky. Stick your ground. It sounds like he is trying to use moving in as a “trial run” for marriage. While living with each other can be the right thing for some couples (myself included) I don’t think that it is right to use it as an excuse to delay an engagement. If he is not ready to be married, he should say so. I think there may be other issues at play here and I think you should stick to your ground and make him be clear about his intentions/feelings.
Post # 7
I am uncomfortable with the idea of moving in before being engaged. 5 years and lots of weekends together/ a few vacations is long enough to know each other well enough to decide if you want to be with this person for the long term, and weather or not you can handle their quirks.
We have talked about it before, and he is the one that suggested getting married in 2013, which is after his first year of law school (several people he knows have done this with success, and we dont want a big wedding anyway.) I have talked with him and said I’d really like to be engaged before he graduates law school but that does not necessarily mean we need to get married before then. If he is worried about the money, then he shouldn’t be saying he wants to move in with me, as that would be more expensive than the ring i’ve picked out.
Post # 8
He’s probably just not ready to get engaged yet and wants moving in to be the next step. Lots of guys prefer doing this to “hold their girlfriends over” until they’re ready to propose. I wouldn’t feel miffed about it. He’s just not ready. Do you want to force him into a proposal or do you want it to come naturally?
Be patient. You’re still very young. I think you also need to tell him everything you said here. Guys are definitely not mind readers!
Post # 9
I would stand your ground. I told mine that I would move in with him, but I wouldn’t live with him past 2 years without a proposal. Then I told him to figure it out. He did and proposed after less than 2 years of living together. He knew what I needed in order to stay with him, and I knew I needed to respect myself – I couldn’t give him everything and have him not give me the one thing I needed. It worked for us, but if you think that he is wanting to move in just to tide you over so he can buy more time before proposing, then you are better off staying where you are at.
Post # 10
Stand your ground. I told my SO this, and while I don’t actually expect either thing to happen anytime soon, one isn’t going to come without the other.
Post # 11
@KJM2013: If a guy was doing something to “hold me over” until he felt like proposing, I’d be plenty miffed, especially when moving in is expensive, risky (it SUCKS to live with an ex!) and will change the whole dynamic of the relationship. And it comes with no guarantees whatsoever. So basically, she would be compromising on her principles if she moved in with him, but would be getting nothing in return that she wasn’t already going to get, or not get, before. And maybe less, since a lot of guys use moving in as a substitute for marriage, and even the ones who don’t can fall victim to complacency if it becomes a situation where they’re getting the milk for free.
Not saying moving in together before being engaged is bad for everyone, but here it seems like it would be a case of one person doing all the compromising.
Post # 12
@MissPatience: I was in a similar situation. My Fiance was also going to law school when I moved in with him. We had talked about spending the rest of our lives together, and how we would get married one day, and get a house and planned to move in together. After 5 years of dating he went to law school in a different state and I followed him. He then said we would get engaged after he got a real job (when he passed the bar, he had a good job, and bought me a ring).
I guess because I knew that we would be together forever, I didn’t need the actual proposal or the ring right away. I considered us already engaged/committed so it just didn’t bother me not to have a formal proposal.
I would say if you have the certainty of getting engaged, you could move in now, but otherwise might be smarter to wait. If he is going to law school, most important thing is that he concentrates on his studies and does really well, to set up his future career/future lives on the right track. To me, wedding planning should take a backseat to that. But that’s just my opinion, I’ve never been in a hurry to get married/engaged so ymmv!
Post # 13
There are holes in your argument. First, you’re wrong about it being hard to surprise you if you’re living together. Unless of course you tear the house apart each and everyday looking for a ring- in which case you’re crazy.
Second, the decision for him to move in together or not has nothing to do with weather or not he can buy a ring with his money.
You’re both pushing for things you want and what you want is completly different. You need to clearly and concisely tell him WHY you need to be engaged first. And ask why specifically he would like to do it before an engagement.
Typical reasons for the ladies wanting to wait are: they fear that once moved in together, the guy has no reason to want to propose and may drag his feet. Is this yur reason? Tell him if so.
Typical reasons he wants to wait to propose until after moving in: he wants to see if he can live with you. Guys fear that once you move in you get all “comfortable” in a negative way in theroy. Not true, it’s just a fear. They fear they will see you in your ugliest, darkest moments and they are worried how they’ll react. Ask him why he’d like to wait.
This requires some soul searching and real honesty to make this happen. Once you discover the REAL reasons… then you can work towards which way it should happen.
Post # 14
@jules24chi: Completely agree. I moved in with Darling Husband a year before we got engaged, and I think it did great things for our relationship. But if I thought he was using cohabitation as an excuse to delay engagement, I would have had a major problem with it. Living together and getting engaged are separate issues, and one should not substitute for the other. To the OP, I think you need to discuss this with your SO honestly and openly.