A disgusting wedding gift.

posted 4 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 136
11812 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

GFerg:  “How is registering for tangible household items ok, but registering for a honeyfund where people can pay for upgrades, purchase excursions, etc. not?”

Traditional etiquette would probably say that  unlike a traditional registry,  there’s no way to pass off the polite fiction that you are keeping an organized list of money.  And that only beggars ask for cash, not people who are wealthy enough to throw a wedding. The arm’s length nature of a physical registry is the only reason why liberal etiquette sources have approved them. Traditional etiquette does not, to this day. 

A honeymoon has long been considered an optional wedding related expense and lifestyle related choice.  Historically the groom paid for the honeymoon, his parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and the bride’s family paid for the reception. Today, the couple is responsible unless others offer to host. Then as now, it is considered rude to ask your guests to fund any part of your wedding or vacations. 

All that said, the new incarnation of  Emily Post, which is a lot more bride centric than traditional,  gives honeymoon funds a green light, while warning couples that there are people who will not approve. 


Post # 137
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Eh…his sister IS cheap…but asking for money for a gift?  Tacky

Post # 138
343 posts
Helper bee

whitums:  I couldn’t agree more. I shocked at some of the responses along the lines of: “Even if you got a stapler wrapped in brown paper and string and smeared in dog poo you should have been grateful.” What I think is way ruder than a honeymoon fund, is people who will accept the honour of attending the couple’s special day, get wined and dined at the couple’s expense, and then refuse to give a gift because they deem it tacky. Or just but crap people have categorically stated they don’t want. That is petty and rude.

Post # 139
323 posts
Helper bee

MarriedToMyWork:  And I think it is 10 times better. They should work that way. I do not have a honeymoon fund because I want to relax on it and not feel like “Oh crap we still need to use XX amount toward X experience Aunt Gene contributed too” or feel shitty keeping the money if we don’t use it. And also becasue Fiance thinks they are weird. At the same time, a lot of people are saying to re-gift it or the PP I was interacting too said she regifted some items she got at her baby shower. That’s like going back to BedBathandBeyond and returning your registry gifts to get a big gift card. Just stick to what people ask for, no?


weddingmaven:  yes definitely if she is clueless, that is not really how it reads. For some reason, I read it as a piece the SIL already had from her house and send it to her. I’ll read the OP again.

Post # 140
11812 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“Another peeve is that this cheap couple have a teenage son who is about to start college in a year and wants to go into computer science. The parents don’t want him to choose that major so they won’t pay for a new laptop for him.”

Could it be they are “cheap” because um, they have a teenage son who is about to start college in a year?

I don’t agree at all with trying to prevent him from majoring in computer science, if that is really true, but it occurs to me that the sister may have been angry that you took matters into your own hands to buy the computer when for whatever reason, they didn’t want to buy one right now.

It still doesn’t make sense that she’d text about the pitcher unless she decided after the fact, screw you, you didn’t listen to her wishes and she won’t respect yours. 

Post # 141
114 posts
Blushing bee

WHO CARES IF THE MONEY YOU GET FROM HONEYFUND IS JUST GOING TO ‘ONE PLACE’???!!!?  Nobody with a honeyfund is trying to trick their guests!

If the couple takes the time to put together a honeyfund website, they OBVIOUSLY really care about travel… the site lets the couple provide lots of fun details about what they plan to do on their trip for people to read about it, what they’re excited for, what they value! I can’t imagine I’d be devastated if I found out my dear friend used my contribution to pay for an exquisite meal in a beach side restaurant in Bora Bora instead of for their snorkling gear the next morning…

I’m shocked at how many people think this aspect of weddings needs to be so traditional!

Post # 142
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

brideprivee:  there’s a big difference between an antique pitcher and a used bottle. But honestly, I STILL wouldn’t be upset, it’s still a gift and I’d be appreciative regardless of the effort put in because the person didn’t have to do anything at all, but instead they tried, even if that trying missed the mark, I appreciate the gesture and am thankful for the time and energy they spent on it (however much or little that may be). 

Also, as many have pointed out, part of what OP is calling  “dirty” is likely just the nature of antique silver. Maybe the giver was in a hurry and didn’t realize it at the time she wrapped it, mistakes and oversights happen even with  the best intentions. 

And I’m not sure where you get the idea that I am judging anyone asking for cash or trying to teach them a lesson by not gifting it, I don’t care what people register for but I’m not going to gift something I’m not comfortable with and I don’t think cash is a good gift. Similarly, there are many registry items that I don’t think make good gifts (vacuums are one of them in fact, who wants a gift that equates to chores!)  so I don’t select those items either. I purchase gifts that are enjoyable for me to give, because the giving is 1/2 the process, it’s not “all about the couple” in my opinion at all. When someone receives a gift from me, I  hope they recognize the time and effort I put into it and when they use it in the future, I hope it brings them not only new good memories in the making but also a connection with me and the love I feel for them. 

Gifts, especially those related to a celebration, are rarely about “need” at all – no one needs room service or snorkeling any more than they need towels or dishes or anything else commonly gifted at weddings. And if the couple doesn’t want what they recieve nothing says they have to keep it,they can return it, exchange it, donate it, or burn it on the front lawn…  it’s their choice, but to me the act of giving/receiving a gift should never be resented or looked down upon because the receiver deems the gift unworthy for whatever reason. 

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