(Closed) A etiquette question for Miss Manners (guest list)

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ladyartichoke:  I think it should have been addressed to both. Your mother then could have decided whether to bring him or not. Whether or not Gary has met your father is irrelevant.

Post # 4
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

They are still married; it should have been addressed to both.

(I completely understand the reasoning… it is LOGICAL to not invite them both, but it is POLITE to look the other way about their marital strife, haha.)

Post # 7
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@ladyartichoke:  I think the salt rubbing was done when they didn’t invite your father :/

Post # 8
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I can see their reasoning, but the “proper” thing to do would have been to invite them both.  Perhaps if you or your brother can explain to your mother that their hearts were really in the right place, trying not to upset her or make this awkward, it will help.

Post # 9
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Whether or not they know about them, your parents’ marital troubles are NONE of their concern.  Married couples are invited together.  Period.  If your father wishes to decline the invitation, he’s more than welcome to.

Post # 10
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

They’re married.  Legally, if not functionally.  The only proper invitation includes both, as it would be extremely rude to split a married couple for an event.  She was fine to clarify, but not to argue (from purely an etiquette standpoint).  Again, from a purely polite standpoint, they should have had no idea of the marital problems, as dirty laundry shouldn’t be aired in public.  How this should have gone down:

Invitation addressed to both Mr & Mrs.  If he wasn’t going to attend, either due to distance or personal reasons, she could have just sent back the yes for herself and no for him.  It’s never a good idea to make assumptions about another person’s relationship.

Post # 11
2194 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

yikes…..i think they should have invited both your mom & dad……it seems like they were trying to be nice but instead made it way more awkward.


it is your mom & dad’s decision to make (being seperated or not) and they shouldnt have assumed but its done now…..


from what you are saying about mom.not ready to divorce though she knows if double life sounds like maybe she is just upset over that and using this as an excuse to be upset

Post # 12
3267 posts
Sugar bee

@ladyartichoke:  Lucy should have invited both of your parents.  Regardless, they are a social unit.  And social units must always be invited together, no exceptions.

Especially, if no plans for actual divorce are happening.  I think they violated your confidence in them.  You told them that very private information in confidence and they used it to publicly make a statement about your dad’s activities.

However, your brother should not confront the couple.  Your mother should just accept or decline, as she was invited. 

Post # 13
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think the intentions were of a good place and the invite was logical to them. However, the proper thing would have been to invite both parents since your mom doesn’t realize that this couple knows any details of her rocky marriage.

Post # 14
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

They were rude.  I feel bad for your mom, who was embarassed by it.

Post # 15
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Second all PPs who say both should have been invited. I understand their reasoning, but it still wasn’t the correct way to handle it. I feel bad for them though – they were just trying to do the right thing.

Post # 16
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@ladyartichoke:  I asked this to a room full of ettiquitte folks when my FI’s cousin was going to be seperating with her husband between when the invites go out and the reception. They all said to mind my own business and address it to both until there has been a public break (legal seperation or divorce). In the same vein we are inviting the husband of another cousin, even though his girlfriend lives in the house (she’s not invited abd this isn’t a case of swinging but Catholics not divorcinf… like adultry is any better)

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