(Closed) A few things you shouldn't say to a childless woman

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@swissbride:  I wish I could get my friend to read this. Her and her husband constantly drop the “you don’t understand love until you have children” or “you can’t love a child the same if they aren’t biologically yours” frustrates me to no end!!

Post # 5
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

* applause*

I have never spoken of what I went through, and how it effects my ability to have kids. I don’t want to share what happened. When people start grilling me, or talking like it’s assumed I’m going to have kids, I feel worthless. I feel i’m going to dissapoint people. I wish people would honestly never talk to me about it again. 

Post # 6
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m CBC & don’t take offense when people say “you don’t want KIDS!??!?!!” but I posted on facebook. People are rude jerks sometimes and if it saves even one woman from being hurt, it’s worth it.

Post # 9
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can’t believe how insensitive and rude people can be. Just sickening.

Post # 10
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Thanks for posting.  Great article.

Post # 11
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Great article. My husband and I are childfree by choice, so I just shrug off the comments people make, but I always think of my friends who aren’t able to conceive and how these comments must hurt them so much.

Post # 12
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Honestly, people are thoughtless and make stupid comments no matter what situation you’re in. It’s like people just don’t have filters, or just can’t think beyond themselves to realize that the person they are speaking to might be going through their own journey. 

I have 1 child. I’ve suffered so many miscarriages, a few late-term. I wanted a second child but it wasn’t in the cards for me. (my fi an I are going through the adoption process but thats not public knowledge beyond my immediate family). I’ve gotten all kinds of rotten comments, some of the worst being 

– “it’s so selfish to have an only child”

– “you’re not a family, it’s only the three of you”

– “you’re missing out on so much by having only one kid”

There are plenty more, and many “you’re due for you next child now” thrown in for good measure. These comments hurt. I’m not an overly emotional person, but when I hear these things it brings tears to my eyes. 

I used to just politely smile and laugh awkwardly and try to change the subject, but not anymore. Now I actually tell the ignorant commenter about my past miscarriage and explain why we only have 1 kid. It shuts people up right quick, and it makes me feel less emotional and more empowered.

Post # 13
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

Printed this off and stuck it on my fridge, on top of sharing it on my Facebook. I will never be able to have biological children and before we told people about our situation we heard these kinds of things all the time. Now instead of family and close friends saying it we hear it from strangers.

The best point is how too often people assume that pregnancy comes quickly and healthy babies are always the result. Let alone the fact that you need children to be complete. 

Post # 14
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Thank you so much for posting this.

 

Getting married in a month, we have started to get the “oh, when are you going to start ttc?” questions. I’m 22 and live in the south. It’s expected within the next few years to start having babies.

 

I’ve posted before I have Fibromyalgia and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. While Fibro can make pregnancy more painful, EDS can cause worsening dislocations, being wheel chair bound, and a good chance of miscarriage. Not to mention my child will have a 50/50 chance of developing EDS as well. My Fiance and I have discussed adoption long before I was diagnosed with any chronic illness; we really want to adopt a child with special needs. Since researching EDS and pregnancy I’m starting to rethink having biological kids. We both work with children and already feel so protective of the kids we work with. I honestly don’t believe an adopted child would not feel just as much as my own to me. I’ve discussed it with Fiance and he’s been supportive, though I can tell he’s a little let down.

 

These recent discoveries have made those “oh, when you get pregnant” conversations very awkward. I’ve slowly began telling family, and usually say “if I have biological kids” when those conversations arise to try to get everyone use to the idea.

Post # 15
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@swissbride:  Yes, people here are very supportive. Thanks. 

Post # 16
Member
2122 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

Great article. I’ve always made it a point not to ask people the ‘when are you going to have kids?’ question. You’d think it’s be common sense!!

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