- 2 years ago
- Wedding: June 2020
Sorry if this is long but it’s come as a surprise to me!
I’ve been talking to a friend who I also happen to work with, and we were discussing a recent incident with my fiance (we’ve been together for 6 years engaged for 8 months) which then lead to talking about other past incidents and she told me that it is abuse. It came as a surprise to me as I’ve never known anything different but now the word has been used I can’t get it out of my head and want to know what other people think?!
The most recent incident that the original conversation was about was an argument from a couple of weeks ago, it sounds stupid but the argument came about over washing up and the temperature of the water (?!). The arument escalated to the point of a shouting match where he kept coming and getting in my face, I put both my hands on his chest to at least put an arms length between us but he shouts at me to shut up and get out of HIS face and hits my arms away. This repeats a few times before I manage to back away enough that he leaves me alone but keeps shouting. He then decides to angrily do the washing up and I ask him to be careful with my belongings, everything in the house belongs to me as we don’t live together, he tells me to shut up, stop being stupid and that he is being careful while he is bashing plates around, the next thing I hear is glass smashing. I’m annoyed that he has now smashed things but more concerned that he has cut his hand so I clean him up and fix his hand. He’s still angry and decides to leave, I’m upset so I cry and I’m still crying when he comes back 10 minutes later, but as soon as he sees I’m upset he is angry and aggressive again punching the door and my reaction to this now is to take myself to stand in the corner facing to wall out of the way.
There have been previous incidents in arguments where he escalates to aggression, and punches walls and doors, he hits my arms away from him but he’s never left bruises, there has only been one incident where he has used a shoe to hit my in the ribs, that time he also kicked his own car that hard that I had to take him to hospital to get an xray. His responce to me crying is to get angry and get in my face I don’t know if he thinks this will make me stop but it generally makes it worse and enters a viscious circle.
He has previously said in one argument that he “can’t cope with [my] mental health”. I do suffer mentally and emotionally after being in a fatal car accident a couple of years ago and a long standing eating disorder and he keeps telling me that I’m “not doing anything about it”, however, he knows full well that I have weekly appointments. So I admit I can be difficult at times, I can get upset and irritable easily and I can react to him when he’s shouting in my face.
It has never occured to me to label any of this as “abuse” because I’m not being physically hurt generally and I am never left with marks and things always go back to normal afterwards. He’s always been fiery but things have been increasing in frequency and severity on the last 4 months with no pinpoint incident that could have started it apart from the fact that he has recently deicded that he no longer wants to live in the area I’ve moved to for my job and wants to stay in the area he’s always been in, leaving us 2 hours apart only seeing each other at weekends, it has been like this for 5 years, but the agreement was that at Easter this year just gone he would move to be with me and has gone back on it. But he now won’t say he doesn’t want to live here, just that he doesn’t want to live here “yet”, which leaves me hanging. I’d rather have a definied answer either way and it is causing friction.
Sorry if that ended as a rant. This is the first time he’s actually broken anything and it’s made me think, I’ve also never has the word abuse associated to anything.
Thanks for any advice.