Post # 1
Hi Bees–I decided to not ask a friend of mine to be a bridesmaid and it has caused more drama than I had anticipated. We met in college, were very close for a few years afterward (I was a bridesmaid in her wedding 5 years ago), but we haven’t been as close the past 2 -3 years for no other reason than life. She had a child, I relocated–I made as much effort as I could to maintain our close-ness, but as everyone knows, a friendship MUST work two ways.
When she found out she wasn’t a bridesmaid, she approached me and I answered as honestly and genuinely as I could. She then asked me why I had asked another girl to be in the wedding party, brought up that I was upset a few years back when I wasn’t asked to be in a wedding and then asked me “how I thought our friendship should proceed from here.” Three very awkward questions! I told her I didn’t see our friendship changing at all and just because I didn’t ask her to wear a dress and walk down the aisle doesn’t mean I’m mad at her or don’t want to be her friend. She then told me that she wants to support me, but needs time.
We are both bridesmaids in another friend’s wedding in a few months and at her bridal shower a few weeks ago, she pretended like I didn’t exist and made an obvious effort to not talk to me.
I’m doing exactly what I expressed…I’m staying in contact as we had before (and not trying “too hard”) but all I am getting are one-word answers and complete awkwardness.
I know what it feels like to be left out of a wedding, but I still attended all events with a smile on my face without hesitation. Am I wrong to think that she’s more upset about being left out than that our friendship has grown apart? Is there anything else I can do or say? I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I especially don’t want her outwardly ignorning me on the day of our friend’s wedding. Tension in a bridal suite can be sensed much easier than tension at a party of 50 women!
Post # 3
Try to clear the air beforehand. I would maybe ask her to meet for coffee and explain to her again why you didn’t choose her to be in your bridal party. Then just let her know that if she’s not willing to put forth the effort of a friendship, that you aren’t anymore either. I think she’s making her choice by ignoring you, and that’s not fair to you.
Post # 4
So you tried to keep the friendship going and she didn’t reciprocate? I think that is key here honestly. Because it’s one thing if you mutually get busy with life, but quite another if she suddenly couldn’t make time for you anymore. In that case I agree that she doesn’t deserve to be a bridesmaid and shouldn’t have ever asked you such awkward questions. And yes you don’t want awkwardness in your bridal suite as much as you don’t want to give such an honor to someone who only wanted to be included in the party and not make an effort to still be your friend.
Just ignore her, she’ll eventually get over it. I’m like you,I know what it’s like to not be asked and I just smiled and kept my mouth shut. I was mad at first but slowly realized our friendship just wasn’t as close as I thought it was. Unfortunatley this is an event that will define who your true friends are in your new life as a married woman.
Post # 5
Well she feels how she feels. Obviously her feelings were hurt. No doubt she will get over it sooner or later. I would probably see how the situation unfolds and take it from there
Post # 6
I would try to give her space and see if she approaches you about getting together. Definitely let her know you still care and want to be in her life, but it really does have to work both ways. Hopefully some time and space will allow things to settle and you’ll be able to sit down with her and talk honestly about your reasoning. It’s so tough though… I was in a similar situation with a friend prior to my wedding, and the way it ended was very hurtful to me, but I also would be the first to admit that I didn’t handle it very well either… these situations almost always seem to end up hurting one or both. 🙁
Post # 7
I completely understand what you are going through! I didn’t ask my longest time friend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man but instead a personal attendant (her and other girl for that position.) We are not close anymore and haven’t been close for quite sometime now. Originally I wasn’t even going to ask her to be in the wedding but I knew she would have a fit if I didn’t ask.
She still threw a fit because she wasn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and bowed out of being one of my personal attendants. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man at her wedding 7 years ago so she thought she should be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in mine even though we barely speak or even see each other anymore.
I know she was very hurt and I tried to explain myself several times, she will feel what she feels. It is strained when we see each other (she actually came to my bridal shower this past weekend) but we will get through it.
I would just let it be with your friend, she has a right to feel what she feels. In time try talking to her again
Post # 8
I had a similar situation happen with a friend of mine except that she didn’t tell me that she was upset and basically stopped talking to me for about 6 months (she wouldn’t even return phone calls that I initiated).
I found out from a mutual friend why she was even mad and I approached her about it and she basically said that she was upset that I didn’t ask her but she was mad about who she THOUGHT that I had asked. I didn’t even ask the people that she thought that I did. In the end, I asked my brother and my sister to stand up wtih me and so there wasn’t really much that she could say to argue with that. She actually ended up not coming to the wedding as a result of all of this.
I tried to forgive this behaviour but it was feeling way too much like a one way street and being pretty much ‘cut out’ for 6 months was just too much. I don’t think that she will ever be completely okay with the fact that I did not ask her.
To me, that just enforces the fact that I asked the right people!
You should be able to ask whoever you want and if your friends can’t support you in that…then you probably made the right decision in not asking them in the first place!
Post # 9
It’s comforting to hear that I’m not the only one that has gone through this! It’s heart-wrenching, but clarifying at the same time. It’s the one time in my life that I had to be 110% honest and truthful to myself, and it’s unfortunate that she is considering kicking 12 years of friendship to the curb solely based on this. I forgot to mention…the girl whose wedding I was not included in, we are great friends to this day!
Post # 10
I am curious about your situation, has anything changed with your friend? I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and although we were close a long time ago, our lives have taken different directions over the last 9 years. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in her wedding a few months ago (one of 11 BM’s) and I understand why she asked me, because we have been friends for so many years. However, my wedding is a lot smaller and I have chosen my BM’s and she is not one. I dreaded having this conversation with her and when she asked who I chose I told her who and apologized for not asking her. I said to her I hope she is not upset and attempted to explain why I chose who I did. She said she could not understand how I chose this one friend over her and that her feelings are hurt. The friend she mentioned is my best friend and everyone knows that. She quickly said she had to get off the phone with me and that was it.
I am sad for her because I did not want to hurt her but I am also upset she called me out like that, I was very uncomfortable. What happened with your friend?