A happy wedding has seemed impossible since my mother’s death.

posted 7 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2909 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

thisisaname :  Sorry for your loss, bee! My father died 7 years ago, I got married this August. Obviously this was not close to my wedding but I still dreaded getting married and not having my dad there, unfortunately these feelings don’t always go away but I promise you it gets easier with time. 

Your day will still be special.

 

Post # 3
Member
2581 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

thisisaname :  hi bee. First of all this is an awful situation and no one will feel exactly how you’re feeling right now. 

That being said, my husband’s dad died 5 weeks before our wedding (which we moved up 2 months to try and have him attend). The day/night was happy even though it was also marked by sadness. My Father-In-Law had hand picked every bottle of wine we drank and I had shown him the menu so he knew the pairings (he was a real foodie/wino) and I let the guests know this during our toast. 

I will say we knew he was sick, very very sick, but we still held out hope he would be able to attend the wedding. And I had planned the whole thing six months before his passing not really bothering my FH during that time on the mundane but he wanted to be part of it anyway. 

I have no advice as it wasn’t my mom that passed and I don’t know how you’re feeling. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and I’m here if you want to talk. The Bees can also help plan weddings (or maybe a nice aunt or your FH) if you are really not feeling like doing it at this time. 

Post # 4
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I lost my niece just last month. Saying our family is devastated is an understatement. All wedding planning has been put on hold and it’s hard to be happy and look forward to our wedding day without my precious flower girl. I thought wedding talk could help my sister get through, but i seem insensitive talking to her about my needs and plans even though she’s my Maid/Matron of Honor. I don’t have answers or advice, just want you to know you’re not alone.

Post # 5
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. If you don’t want to do any planning right now, don’t! You should not put so much pressure on yourself. A November wedding is plenty of time.

My Mother-In-Law passed away in March. After that, we planned our wedding for August.

On the day, we were still happy to be together. So many people made comments about how she’d have loved particular things. And we had things that reminded us of her as though to have her there. So do and have sentimental things. That’s not a concern at all! 

For our wedding, my Father-In-Law brought her picture (a big one) next to him for the tea ceremony. Lots of tears there. One of my dresses was the same color as the dress she’d worn to one of our wedding related events when she was around. (one of the last days she was walking on her own before becoming bedridden.) Be as sentimental as you want to with things in your wedding. Your love and remembrance is part of you. 

Don’t feel guilty about having a good time on your wedding day. No one will forget her, I promise. You are allowed happy days after the loss of a loved one.

Post # 7
Member
2524 posts
Sugar bee

I will tell you some things I wish I’d known in the days and weeks after my wonderful dad dropped dead with no warning three weeks after my first child was born.

Whether you are or are not religious, I have learned that those whom we love most are ALWAYS present in very real ways in our lives. They support us and encourage us, and above all, continue to love us.

If you ask your mother if she would prefer that you stop wedding planning and wait for a while before continuing, she will let you know. You need not speak aloud, or expect to hear an answer in a dream, or any hokey Hollywood stuff, but you will know. 

If I had known about this enduring presence when I lost my dad, I think I would have been much less crushed by his absence. I was absolutely desolate, beyond comfort, without him. Yet in due time, I began to notice how much of his real essence was still there. If this idea interests you, simply allow yourself to ask her how she does feel about your wedding planning. If you experience a sense that she is with you and answering, all good. If not, allow both yourself and your mother a little more time. 

In time, I came to realize that those whom I had lost would never leave me, as I would never leave them.

May your heart be filled with her love, hope, and comfort.

Post # 8
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

I lost my dad a few weeks before my fiancé proposed and have struggled with the wedding stuff ever since. He proposed then as he had already asked my dad’s permission and it felt like the right thing to do. My mum was really keen to get stuff booked ASAP (I think it was a nice distraction), so we set a date for July 2019. It’ll be 13 months after he died and I’m worried it’ll be too soon.

If I could go back I’d probably wait a bit longer before making any set plans. There is no rush, you have a while yet and if you’re not feeling it, you won’t enjoy it.

As for the day itself, some parts will be tough I’m sure, for you and your dad, but that doesn’t have to mean the whole day is sad. I am hoping I can still make it a happy day with all the family 🙂

Post # 9
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

I lost my mom a few years ago when Fiance and I were first talking about getting engaged. I ended up wanting to hold off of the engagement for quite a while due to not being ready to go through the planning without her. I will say that therapy for your grief can help A LOT! I know it did for me. It helped me to get to the point where I felt comfortable to move forward with the engagement and it’s still helping me now as I navigate the planning process without her.

Post # 10
Member
886 posts
Busy bee

Hi bee, I’m so sorry for your loss. I just lost my dad suddenly, tragically, with no warning soon after my wedding and a day after I got back from my honeymoon.  It has been two months since he died. You’re in a really difficult place emotionally right now, and you have to allow you the time to grieve in whatever way suits you best. I don’t know if you celebrate Christmas but for me, yesterday was nearly unbearable without my dad. Like you said, the grief comes in waves. One minute you’re fine, and the next you’re weeping in your room curled up in a ball. I think for your wedding, you should do whatever feels right to you.  Eventually you will know when something feels “right” during this process.  Personally I wouldn’t rush into any decisions just yet. Take your time and be kind to yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel like you’ve grieved long enough and need to move on. I’ll be thinking about you!

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