(Closed) A interesting thing my BF said about wanting a bigger ring than what's offered..

posted 3 years ago in Rings
Post # 16
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee

If I proposed such a thing(chipping in for an upgrade), my husband would probably laugh or look at me like I’d bumped my head. I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom and even when we dated, he paid for things most of the time anyway. I just chose a ring that I loved & was easily affordable for him at the time. ETA: Over the years, I’ve had several rings ( & resets, upgrades, alternate rings.) It’s a fun thing…nothing sacred & deadly serious.

If the Girlfriend from the other thread is just particular and wants to upgrade for aesthetics, I don’t see that as anything emasculating or evil. I didn’t read every post, so I’m not totally sure if her reason for changing it is more about having her ideal ‘dream ring’… or about competition. I only see it as a red flag for the Boyfriend or Best Friend if it’s all about the latter. I couldn’t see myself kicking in to upgrade my e-ring/wedding set just to save face or send ppl some sort of non-verbal ‘I told ya so.’ or ‘How ya like me now?’   AAR, I do think a lot of the replies were unnecessarily harsh.

 

Post # 17
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t see an issue with a woman offering to top up finances if that’s how things work in their relationship.  Personally my money and (then FI’s) money was in part OUR money as we pooled part of our money and kept some separate.

Prior to marriage I would have felt very uncomfortable asking Fiance to spend more of his spending pot on me just because ‘I want something big and sparkly’. I would feel like I was being entitled. But then again I also don’t understand the obsession with big rings, photos of rings, diamond clarity and cut etc. I’d never inspect someone else’s ring so to me an obsession with rings like the original thread (and many others on here) feels quite keeping up with the jones’.

I also asked Darling Husband how he would feel if I was all I want something bigger than 2 carats. He said he’s married me because I’m not that kind of person. So that’s a flip side, how your Fiance would respond to that request would depend on your values and relationship. Darling Husband would side eye me something stupid because it’s not something either of us value. 

Post # 18
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

in the UK the ring you get is the ring you get… ive never heard of someone changing it so I find the whole concept wierd but I can never begin to imagine hurting my fiances feelings over something as rediculous as rock size

my ring wasnt what I expected, it took me by supprise and I probably looked a little confused as my brain caught up to the moment (its a great ring and you can 100% see the thought process, traditional stone like my parents but in my daily style but not at all the style I had been mentioning for 10 years) and in that moment the look of soul crushing panic on his face until I said ‘wow’ shows how much it means to HIM… why would anyone go ‘urg… this ring isnt good enough’ when he has poured his heart and soul into it is beyond me

also proposal are very high stress, unless you have done it then you dont understand and I think it would help a lot of women get a reality check if they had to be the ones to do it with all the pressure and panic

Post # 19
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well, I think it’s materialistic and kind of silly to have “expectations” about the size of the ring that you “need” to have so that it “looks right” on your finger or matches the size of everyone else’s or whatever.

But then again I care little about what other people think about me, my relationship, or something so completely unnoticeable in the real world such as my engagement ring.

So the conversation would never have taken place, but I can say that my husband would have been mortally offended if I suggested that I should pay for or help pay for a ring and he probably wouldn’t have married me if I had. Everybody’s different but I don’t think it’s fair to want the tradition of the engagement ring, then pile on guys for being traditional about it and wanting to pay for it and offer what they choose. 

Post # 20
Member
29 posts
Newbee

Really interesting alternatives perspectives on this topic!

I don’t think hypotehtically speaking my Fiance would feel emasculated by me asking for a bigger rock though I think he would prefer for me to have something I loved rather than being disatisfied. I think he would feel pretty awful if I went and bought another ring myself which was bigger / better / more sparkly than what he bought…but that’s another matter.

Me and my Fiance are partners and I’ve always been clear with what I want. We went spent lots of time looking at shapes, and styles and settings so he knows what I like but the final selection will be his so I’ll get the best of both worlds. We see it as eventually the ring(s) will be passed down to children / grand-children so the monetary value is somewhat important but the history and story of love behind it rules over everything. 

 

Post # 21
Member
1942 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think obviously different men would react differently to any issues with the ring, lots of traits could play into it but sensitivity springs to mind as a dividing factor (both ways, sensitivity towards her and sensitivity of his own ego). Well in my case, I wouldn’t want to nag my husband that I would like a better/bigger diamond, for one he knows my preference would at the time have been bigger, but he made a beautiful choice in terms of the style and I don’t think an upgrade would feel right after wearing the ring for more than a year now and being connected to it, because that ring with that stone will always be the one, it’s what he proposed with.

Maybe if it would’ve been possible/offered right away at the proposal I would’ve taken him up on it to get a bigger stone. Alas that was not the case and he spoke quite a lot around that time about bigger rings being gaudy, big stones gaudy and halos being flashy. I never really agreed with that (or rather my threshold for “too big” would be a lot higher than his).

Now, I’m more than happy to receive further diamond & other jewellery including rings on birthdays, anniversary, future “push present” (something I recently learned about 😂) but not to replace my original engagement ring. Especially precious gemstones and real pearls became a new interest after getting engaged as I mostly had costume jewellery before that and now from learning more through the bee I see slightly less of a point with money spent on non precious stones & metals, unless just getting it as a fashion statement and not intended to last and pass on to imaginary future grandchildren. And actually Darling Husband has since given me a halo ring (big non-precious cushion-style centre stone, little diamonds around, set in silver), I never looked at or mentioned wanting that style so his tastes are changing, he’s maybe trying to gage my taste or how this (bigger) size would look on me for future diamond or precious gemstone ring purchases.

 

Post # 22
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

btob17 :  As usual, despite being from the US, I tend to agree with the U.K. perspective. Your ering is the one that was picked out and given. I don’t believe in take backs or upgrades.

I didn’t ask Darling Husband about this thread in particular, but I’ve asked about similar ones in the past and his response was that if he gave me a ring and I scoffed at the size, he’d probably refuse to marry me at all.

That said, we had a discussion instead of a proposal and we both contributed to picking my ring. He wanted me to have a Claddagh, but I could pick which one I wanted. We had joint finances already, so technically it was a joint purchase and Darling Husband got a watch of equal value as his engagement gift.

Post # 23
Member
2341 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

RayKay : What you said!

Post # 24
Member
3089 posts
Sugar bee

I didn’t respond to the last thread about the bigger rock but I agreen with your boyfriend…if she is willing to pay for the upgrade, why does it matter?I see women talking about upgrades here all the time.I think people got out of pocket because they see a 2 cart rock as substantial to begin with.But the gf makes 200 a year and if she wants a bigger ring in her dime, how the hell does it make her less superficial than any of us who has other preferences…but eh…I tend to think logically that way.

Post # 25
Member
3113 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

No they don’t all think like that. I know plenty of people who have used combined finances to buy the ring and some where they didn’t have combined finances and the woman chipped in. My husband wouldn’t feel emasculated by the idea of me chipping in but he also wouldn’t have wanted me to, simply because he takes gift giving very seriously and likes to make things a surprise and as special as he can and that’s just something that’s important to him. He has no hang ups about male vs female when it comes to income. When we met I making the same income as him and we split everything 50/50. 

Post # 26
Member
3113 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

Butterfly6 :  Yeah I agree. Why is it okay/justified/encouraged for a bee to ask for an upgrade and offer to chip in for it, when it’s a small diamond but not when it’s a large one? We all have difference circumstances and what’s small to one may be large to another and vice versa. 

Post # 27
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

It’s nice tthat you found someone to underwrite your shopping addiction!

Post # 28
Member
8953 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

bibbithebee :  You’re BF’s opinion is one person’s opinion. It’s silly for you to say “don’t they all think that way” because of course they don’t. My husband happens to feel differently. We’re married now and there’s no “yours vs mine” but when we were shopping for my engagement ring, I found one we both liked that was more than his budget. So I chipped in the extra. The end. No delicate male pride wounded, no insult or offense, no resentment at not being given a second chance to “meet my expectations”. Just two adults figuring out the most logical way to buy something that meant a lot to both of them.

The post you’re talking about is about a ring that’s already bought, so it’s a little different. But I would argue that it’s a matter of whether it’s ever appropriate to say “I like that gift, but I’d like a little more of it and am willing to pay for it” as opposed to the male ego “give him a chance to earn the money” thing you’re making it. Just because your guy would prefer you to nag him rather than simply make a reasonable suggestion, does not mean most guys would.

Post # 29
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

 

bibbithebee :  the sugar baby comment from  previous poster was harsh  (in my opinion).

But, your posts and updates do read a bit like ‘he has hobbies that don’t cost much, I like spending money so because everything is pooled it’s totally great for me to go shopping”. And “he’d rather I had exactly what I like so at least if I nag him then he knows he needs to spend the extra to keep me happy”. That gives the impression that you’re all about flashing the cash, sparkly rocks and shopping and suggests that your man will spend more than he originally planned because you want more expensive things.

Don’t get me wrong if your man is happy to have his partner endlessly shop and buy stuff because shopping is her hobby then it’s not for us to say otherwise. Itworks for you. 

But you have to see that many women will find the idea of a woman spending herman’s money (with the exception of SAHM) to be a touchy topic that gets side eyes.

Post # 30
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

So you don’t pay bills and you spend his money on shopping. Where does your income go to?

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