A lapse in FIL's judgement…I need some help with mine… *vent-ish*

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
201 posts
Helper bee

Hmm, can I ask why you just don’t straight up make new arrangements now?  If this was for me, Father-In-Law had made a commitment that he did not fulfill.  This is one of those no second change situations – actions have consequences.  You have very few days left where this is an issue, so if it happens again, it is highly likely it will be when you need him to drive.  It also establishes that in the future, if such a commitment is made, that there will be no second chances.  I’m thinking in the future if he wants to babysit – what if he says he won’t smoke but you find out he did? 


Post # 3
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Do you have uber in canada? That might be easier. That aside,

To me, it’s not troubling at all that he smokes weed. It’s troubling that he lied about it. I think you’re being harsh about a few hits of pot for a legitimate medical reason, so you should back off that entirely. Frankly, him suffering throught a few weeks potentially without medicine? yikes. Particularly if he’s been smoking a long time, 2-3 hits is basically nothing and if your husband is even a below average driver, I’m sure you’d all be fine. The issue is that he was keeping it from you. He should have been honest. 


Post # 4
4878 posts
Honey bee

snowflake8 :  Is there another family member close by that can take you instead? If he’s taking it medically for years for this problem it’s kind of like asking someone to not take their medication which is kind of impossible. If he’s using the medical issue as a reason to smoke more than is needed for the health issue then he’s not really using it for medical. That’s really besides the point. I think your best bet is to find a different way to get to the hospital. Perhaps hire a driver? Uber? Taxi? Lyft? 

If all else fails, there is the tried and true ambulance. 

From what I’ve heard, first time labor takes a long time, so you might have time for a taxi. Ask the hospital you’re going to birth at what options they have. You can’t be the only ones without transportation. 

Now banning from the birth might be harsh if you were planning on having him there anyway. But were you inviting him in the room? I think you are within your rights to have whoever in the room with you that you want. Family usually comes after the birth to visit. Labor is very personal so it’s truly up to you. 

Post # 5
3065 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

snowflake8 :  OK, i understand you are totally pissed off right now and understandably so.

However. NOthing happened, he didnt drive you impaired or anything so you are a little cart before the horse right now.  I don’t think chastizing him or banning him from the delivery room is going to be a very good thing to do. You chose to rely on someone who has a daily weed habit to transport you to the hospital, and now its not working out so just move on from it. 

At this point I would just remove him of any responsibility of transporting you to the hospital and plan on calling a cab when the time comes. Rely on yourselves to handle things, its the same as what will need ot be done when you have the baby and need to go to the doctors ect. 


Also, I would hire someone to drive with your husband so he can get his drivers liscence. It would be very annoying to be totally relient on a third party to be carted everywhere in my opinion- one of you should be able to drive. Espcially when you have a child. 

Edit: I can relate a little to this situation because my inlaws drink, and I have no issues with it, but I would not ask them to stop drinking for 3 weeks to drive me to the hospital because it would majorly affect their day to day life and quite frankly it isn’t their responsibility. 

Post # 6
81 posts
Worker bee

I also agree with PPs, he committed to something he can not do. Time to find a plan B, I dont think I would habor resentment about it.

Post # 7
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

If he’s acting “high” then obviously it’s affecting his senses. He’s addicted and possibly would have a really really hard time stopping. So don’t expect that of him. You need a new plan. 

Post # 8
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m sorry, I tried to read the entire post but I feel like there is a bigger elephant in the room. I don’t mean to sound super judgy, because it is clearly your life and your decision on how you live, but I can’t help and consider the fact that this post coupled with your friend who has/wants to visit and smokes a lot of weed is much more of a concern that needs to be addressed.

Regardless of who will drive you to the hospital for delivery (as PP mentioned, I would definitely make other plans ASAP), I think it is time that, as you prepare to bring a child into this world, you set down ground rules and expectations in YOUR household. Wether it be allowing your friends and family to smoke, in a home where your family lives, is fine. But you can’t rely on these people to follow through and be a constatnt source of reliability. What if you have an emergency situation and your Father-In-Law is the only one available to watch your child? What if you need to be picked up in an emergency? What if your child needs emergency care in the middle of the night after your Father-In-Law has smoked weed and can’t drive? Nevermind the fact that he continued to smoke and hide it from you even though you came up with a mutual “plan.” There are so many what ifs. I think it is a much bigger picture than just who you can rely on to drive you to the hospital. 

Regardless of if your husband was a bit of a “late bloomer” – its time for him to do what is necessary to get that license and be the reliable source of transportation for his family. I assume you were possibly on anxiety meds prior to pregnancy and that is why you never had your licesnse? I would also be looking into that as having a child brings a much greater responsibility than operating a car.

Sorry bee, I wish I had more encouraging, “I feel for you” things to say, but in this case, it’s time to make a change.

Post # 9
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would just come up with a more reliable option.  I ubered myself to the hospital a couple weeks ago.  It was fine.  

I wouldn’t make a big deal of it with Father-In-Law.  I would just tell him you’ve come up with an alternate plan and leave it at that.

Post # 10
3334 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You are being nicer than I would.

Can’t follow my rules? GTFO of my house.

But really, your Darling Husband needs to get his ass up and get his full license.

Just as an FYI, many cabs have refused women in labour. So that isn’t a great backup (even though they aren’t supposed to).

Post # 11
1609 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Ummmm, take a taxi? I don’t see the need to get that upset. He shouldn’t have lied to you but he takes it for medicinal reasons, meaning it’s probably hard for him to stop for an undetermined amount of time. 

Post # 12
423 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think it’s overly fair to expect him to give up weed, which he smokes every single day for his own medical issues, for what could be weeks. 

I also think you two need to become more independant and not rely on him for transportation. Get some back up people, maybe have a couple, so that when the time comes you’re not left stranded.

Post # 13
8809 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

snowflake8 :  A few thoughts:

they reccomend I don’t drive as I could be a potential hazard to other drivers…which is fair” — Who is “they”? Telling someone with anxiety “yeah, you should definitely stay off the road because you’re a danger to others” is exactly the opposite of what all the qualified therapists, psychiatrists, etc that I know would advise. That makes no sense, and if it’s some kind of “professional” telling you this, you need to get a new one.

So, the plan has been since day one that Father-In-Law will drive us to the hospital when it is “time”” — Day One was 38 weeks ago. 34-30 if you didn’t know right away that you were pregnant. That is plenty of time to get from learner’s permit to driver’s license. Why wasn’t THAT the plan?

Father-In-Law does smoke a small amount of weed most nights to deal with digestive issues” — If he needs the weed for medical reasons, then it’s selfish and unreasonable for you to ask him to quit for your convenience. If he doesn’t really need it and the “digestion” thing is just an excuse that you’ve gone along with because it was easier than facing facts, well… here’s where that gets you. 

Make other plans for your trip to the hospital. If you have a problem with Father-In-Law smoking weed, address it outside the context of how it’s suddenly inconveniencing you. And if you don’t have a problem with it, then don’t shame him for it or use his grandchild as a manipulation tool.

Post # 14
47193 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Neither you nor Darling Husband are being realistic. A person who has smoked weed every day since the 70’s is not going to stop because you are pregnant.

You will have plenty of time to get to the hospital. Make other arrangements or plan to take a cab (or uber if you have it).

Post # 15
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

snowflake8 :  Also, if Father-In-Law is truly smoking weed for “digestive” issues after a meal…does that mean he is smoking after ALL meals? If that is the case, then you really need to figure out your driving situation or have a reliable source 24/7 for emergency purposes. You will be astounded at the amount of appointments, emergencies, etc. that come up when you have a child. If he is only smoking at night, then I would be very leary of his need to smoke and consider it more of an addiction that has gone on for 40 years.

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