A lapse in FIL's judgement…I need some help with mine… *vent-ish*

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
1801 posts
Buzzing bee

you say you dont talk about your pregnancy because so many people will flood the hospital excited for the birth? So obviously a lot of people care and you can ask someone other than Father-In-Law for help.

when will your husband be getting his license? Maybe you should move close to a bus route, the baby will need to visit the doctor often- plus multiple trips to the store for diapers,etc. This baby is 100% your responsibility so you need to start having backup plans for ever little thing from now on, babies are unpredictable and needy.

Father-In-Law has been smoking since the 70s, he will never stop, he just wont.

Post # 17
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

snowflake8 :  I think your expectation that he would magically stop was a bit unrealstic, but I also don’t think you are wrong in being as upset as you are considering you took him at his word and he lied. I personally wouldn’t even allow someone who smokes weed to live in my house and my Father-In-Law will most definitely NOT be at my delivery (no one but my husband will be because I think it’s weird for other family to be there) so the fact that you are flexible on those things makes you a more understanding person than me. 

Make alternate plans to get to the hospital and tell Father-In-Law he can come after the delivery. It’s not punishment, because if his presence was only because he was your transportation then there is no reason to have him there anymore. 

Post # 19
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

snowflake8 :  oh man! I’m in complete agreement with PPs – you’re being way too harsh. He doesn’t have to stop smoking his medicinal marijuana, YOU have to stop relying on him and get your DL as well as your husband. Few things make you grow/step up as much or faster than having a kid and this is your life now. From your previous posts, your Father-In-Law is here to stay so you need to take responsibility for your lives. And yes, it’s lives now. Because PPs are also right, what happens if your infant has a fever (in newborns that means a hospital visit) one night and your Father-In-Law (rightfully) took his meds that night?

Im not just talking out of my ass snowflake8, I gave birth about 2 months ago (also a FtM) and we’d arranged for my mom to come visit and stay with us while I got my bearings. Well my mom showed up and her newly prescribed anti-anxiety meds make her sleepy. Do you think I asked her to stop taking them so she could help me? No way. I sent her home wishing from the bottom of my heart that she feels better after taking them. And yes it meant a whole lot more work for us and we had to rearrange everything (my husband’s startup also launched around the time of the birth so he’s stupid busy as well) but I’m not about to expect a grandparent to step in and fulfill parental duties to my LO. 

Getting you to the hospital is imho a parental duty. That’s on you or your husband, no one else. 

Post # 20
7412 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think you’re focusing on the wrong part of the problem. You’re about to be a parent. That means you’re going to have someone dependent on you, and you’re going to need to find a way to meet your commitments. You can’t do that when you are dependent on someone else.  If you and your Darling Husband don’t drive, then you need to figure out alternate arrangements that you can actually control. Car service, uber, whatever.  Your Father-In-Law could end up sick and contagious just as easily as he could end up stoned, of have a laundry list of other reasons that he can’t be your chauffeur.  You can’t control that, and it’s foolish to make plans based on things that are out of your control.

Post # 21
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think you should’ve suspected from the beginning that he was making a promise he can’t keep. If he does actually only smoke for medicinal purposes I think it was slightly unrealistic (and maybe even somewhat inconsiderate) to expect that he would stop for weeks so that he would definitely be sober to take you to the hospital.

But now that he’s shown you that he’s unreliable in this regard you should arrange for alternate transportation (whether it’s another family member or an Uber or an ambulance). I also think your husband needs to get his license ASAP and you two need to do some thinking about how you feel about Father-In-Law being under the same roof as a regular weed smoker. I assume, since you live together, that you might also be relying on him for alternate child care, etc. What’s to say he wouldn’t lie to you about smoking when you’ve asked him to watch your kid, too?

Post # 22
1609 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Also, in Canada, medicinal marijuana is legal. If a cop were to pull your husband over (and that’s a really big if), they are going to be way more concerned that there is a pregnant women in the backseat going into labour than the old man sitting in the passenger seat who had a couple of tokes that evening. It’s not like he’s the one driving. There’s no risk here. 

Post # 23
145 posts
Blushing bee

You’re not overreacting. He made a promise to help you with something important and he broke it and then lied about it. I don’t think you need to punish him by excluding him (if you don’t want to), but I wouldn’t make any arrangements that depend on him either, he’s unreliable. …I would also tell him honestly that his behaviour has hurt you and damaged your trust in him. I would just say something like 1. I’m disappointed you lied to us. 2. I’m disappointed we won’t be able to rely on you to help when the time comes and 3. We’re arranging for alternative transport to the hospital because you let us down and we need someone we can depend on.

Post # 24
1887 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You have already found out you can’t trust him. I am not a big supporter of marijuana use period, but that is just me. I like to think about it like you asked Father-In-Law to not have a few beers with dinner in case you go into labor, and you find out he has been sneaking drinks in the bathroom. You need a new plan. If he cant stop smoking for his grandchild, there is no stopping him.

Regardless, your Darling Husband needs his license, ASAP! I dont know the process in Canada, but I am assuming it isnt that different than in the US. He needs to take the test for his family, for his unborn child. One of you needs to be able to drive in emergencies, the frequent trips to the doctor, store, etc. Do you have a license but choose not to drive due to your anxiety? Is there any possibility of you ever being ok driving again?

Post # 25
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

 How long left on his G1?  Hopefully not too much longer!  Though, FWIW, I have a couple friends with no cars and multiple kids, and they manage fine on the bus 🙂

I agree that you shouldn’t expect Father-In-Law to not smoke, it’s probably putting a lot of pressure on him too.  I agree that he could probably supervise just fine on the way to the hospital.  He’s older, been smoking for decades – two to three tokes isn’t that much.  Of course everyone’s different, but here in Vancouver, I know the cops would only be concerned about the woman in labour – not the guy who took his medical weed earlier that evening.  To be safe, I’m sure you could do a taxi too.

Post # 26
11786 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

while I agree with a few PP that it’s unreasonable of you both to expect your Father-In-Law to change, he is also responsible as an adult (is he one? He isn’t acting like one) for his word. He understood the conditions and he agreed to them. Then he did what he wanted to do and hid it from you both under your own roof. That was his choice, and it was not adult behavior. 

You’re about to be parents, and your Darling Husband needs to put you and your child before his dad. I know that sounds harsh, but we aren’t responsible for adults as we are for children. birth is your medical procedure and you are in charge of who gets to see you during it. No one else, not even your Darling Husband, is entitled to be there. It’s about who you want there, to support you.

I think your Darling Husband is wrong here, and I can see why you’re upset. I also think you have an idealistic viewpoint of Father-In-Law, and he isn’t living up to that. Time to see him for who he is revealing himself to be. 

I hope you guys can find a way toward independence re driving, because this man is unreliable.

Post # 27
11942 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You can always call a cab. For me the smoking, any kind of smoking, would be the bigger issue, with or without a new baby in my house. Most especially with. I get that it’s for so-called medical reasons, but if Father-In-Law is healthy now, maybe it’s time he found a new place to live. 

Post # 28
2456 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

How long does it take to get a license in Canada?

Post # 29
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think if DH’s only reason for not having a license is laziness (not health related/money related etc.) he needs to  buck up and learn to drive. He definitely should have the foresight to realize that is the safer and easier option rather than rely on his father who has been smoking for the last 40 years.

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