Post # 1
I know I haven’t posted much (do a lot of reading though!), but I could use some advice if you don’t mind.
A little background: We got engaged in April – we’ve talked about marriage for over a year now, but the proposal was still a complete surprise Now that the glow has subsided a bit, our families have made their wedding requirements known, and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
We’ve decided to pay for the wedding ourselves. His parents are retired, my father passed away 9 years ago, and I don’t want to burden my Mom. NYC weddings are $$$$, and while we CAN afford to have an expensive wedding, it just doesn’t seem right or smart to do it given the current economy. We’d much rather do something more low-key and reasonable. However, my family (mom + aunts – we’re all very close) can’t seem to understand why we can’t just have a 100k affair like everyone else in our social circle.
So far, our options are:NYC – $100k+, 300-400 people
Napa – Destination wedding, probably $50k, 100-150 people
NYC City Hall – so appealing right now 🙂
I had a pretty big blow up with my family today during Mother’s Day lunch, and at this point, I don’t want to do *anything* anymore. Has anyone been able to successfully reconcile their family’s unrealistic expectations with reality? I never thought that wedding planning would make me so sad I just don’t know what to do…it feels like no matter what, someone’s going to end up unhappy and people are going to talk about our wedding in a negative way. Is it that hard for family to understand that we want to do what is best for us financially, and that we don’t need an extravant affair?
Eloping in Napa sounds so good right now…
Post # 3
wow, 100K for a wedding?!
I think if you simple explain you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it.
Post # 4
their family’s unrealistic expectations with reality?
been there, done that and we ended up eloping and then having a big party a few months later
my family is italian, hubbys is greek and my MILs guest list was over 200 people and thats just immediate family and let me tell you a few years after the wedding (im back on bee as im a Maid/Matron of Honor now)…. no one cares or comments that they didnt get to see us in a church having a big wedding, in fact we get a lot of wish we eloped comments and one of his cousins did to fiji
goodluck – i know its hard, what helped my husband and i was we asked ourselves what did we want. the answer was we wanted to be married and it wasnt about having a big family party
Post # 5
I assume that if they all want the $100,000 option, it means that they want to invite all of THEIR friends. In which case, they should pay, you should accept that they are paying, and keep it as personal and “you” as you can.
If, on the other hand, you want something low key, destination, etc. you should just start planning it and stop getting their advice, especially since they aren’t paying.
Post # 6
I say do what you know in heart is what you want. Unless others will sponsor parts of your wedding, they should have no opinion, it seems selfish of your family to give you a hard time.
Post # 7
Just be firm and tell her you can’t afford it. My moms original invite list was around 400 people.. we said no and cut it down to 160 total. Things will get better 🙂
Post # 8
Do not spend money for a big wedding if you do not want a big wedding. It’s hard to go against what your parents want, but this is the time to stand up for yourself, that’s enough money to buy a house! (Not a house in new york, but still) If you wanted a big wedding and could afford it, by all means do it, but if it’s not it will just be a waste.
Post # 9
Think about a cruise ship wedding, seriously they are about 1800.00-2500.00 you can do them in port before you sail (I know Carnival has ships that sail from NYC), so non-sailing guests can attend- Oh that price also includes your reception with an open bar and photographer (it does not include the actual pictures)it also does not include the price of the cruise, but you can find some really amazing deals and you also get a HONEYMOON! Good Luck and I hope you find the right option for you.
Post # 10
Thanks for the feedback, ladies. Definitely more calm today, just couldn’t believe how heated things got yesterday. Many thanks for making me not feel crazy =) Its amazing how family can do that.
@eloping: You are so gutsy!
Post # 11
wow 100 and 50k for weddings are WAY expensive. mine is about 20k and i think that is ALOT. i say do napa but with just the two of you or just your closest friends and fam.
Post # 12
Yeah, I’d definitely put my foot down regarding a $100K wedding. That’s absolutely ridiculous. I don’t care who you are, where you come from, etc.
Do what you want. It’s your money. Most importantly, it’s your wedding.
Post # 13
Do what you want, where you want. We explained having a small wedding to our parents this way: “To us, getting married is a very personal moment. Because of this, we only want people there who we are genuinely close to.”
My mom wasn’t delighted, but she understood our reasoning. I know for a lot of people, a wedding “isn’t about the couple, it’s about the families.” That didn’t ring true for us personally. Not because we want to be selfish and self-centered, but because pledging yourself to one person, forever, feels deeply intimate, and having a bunch of semi-strangers there wouldn’t have felt right.
Post # 14
Can you have a less expensive wedding somewhere close but not in NYC so people could drive? Vermont, Deleware, Rhode Island, etc
Post # 15
OMG go to Napa!!!! Napa is way better than NY and it will give you a chance to get away from family and do some relaxing – sounds like you deserve it.
Post # 16
I would say do what you want! No one is contributing but you guys, i say do what makes you happy. people will always have something to say or have an opinion about your wedding. Who cares what they say, you want to go to Napa, DO NAPA!
I know it sucks to have people rain on your parade, but just remember this in all your wedding planning, its about your union with your Fiance not about anyone else!