Post # 1
Hi Ladies, I have a little situation that I need some advice on… I have another post on the waiting page if you need more info about my current situation it is called “Waiting but need advice”.
So at this point I have not talked about marriage or getting engaged for 3 weeks. However there has been a few changes in our lives. We are now moving in together for March 1st and he has been injured and off work now for a week and has to stay off for a few more weeks. He will be getting Employment insurance and he will have some money saved up and also some coming to him from a previos job he did with his brother but I want to know for my own sake that he knows I still want to be engaged soon. I hope that now I have told him I just want to be happy with him and have fun with him he doesnt think I dont want to be engaged soon. Do I say something? If so what do I say so that I am not nagging?
Post # 3
If more ladies were brutally honest, they would save a lot of time and sometimes, unfortunately, heartache. You ARE allowed to be candid with your partner. Just tell him! Tell him “Honey, despite recent events, I do still want to be engaged very soon”. That’s it!
ETA – to me nagging is saying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. (Also the definition of insanity!). Don’t go insane and don’t nag, just state what you are thinking.
Post # 4
@Lady_Love: You are right, I am just worried if I bring it up at all, he might get annoyed. I know he wants me to not bring it up for a while then he will do it.. I will keep your advice in my head I just dont know if I want to bring it up quite yet… He is one of those guys that if you bring it up( since he wants it to be a huge surprise) he will pospone it even longer and I dont want that, but what if for instance May comes along and still nothing? That is my problem…. aaahhh so frusterating.
Post # 5
@Lady_Love: I completely agree! I don’t think the issue is so much that we say we want to be married, I think it’s when we put pressure on about when, where, how, etc…
My SO has told me repeatedly that he doesn’t mind talking about getting engaged, or even when it might happen, as long as I’m not coming from a “why hasn’t it happened yet i can’t believe you’re doing this to me’ perspective.
I vote to just say something like what Lady Love suggested-no pressure, no expecatations, just letting him know where you stand.
Post # 6
I don’t understand guys like that. Getting engaged can and should be a mutual decision. You’re not asking him for the exact time and date and all the details that go with it and what the ring looks like, etc. You are simply telling him that you do not want your engagement postponed in light of recent events. He shouldn’t get upset at that. He shouldn’t get upset at anything!
Can I tell you that I moved in with my honey under the STRICT condition that we would also be engaged “soon”. Let me tell ya, after half a year, he started to hear about it and LOTS. Did this make him angry? No, it got his ass in gear. 😉 Because he knew that I would just move out if he went back on our “deal”.
I make that sound awfully unromantic. It wasn’t. The point though is, a couple should be able to communicate especially on huge important things like this. Good luck!
Post # 7
@Anxiouspeanut: My Fiance was the same way. I tried to only bring it up once every three to six months, and the last time, he was like, “Every time you talk about it, then I can’t do it because I know you won’t be surprised then and you’ll feel like you made me do it.” And I was like, “I really don’t care about a surprise at this point, and I would be surprised if you did it now because I don’t believe you ever will!” Ah, drama. *sigh* It did work out for us in the end, but there were definitely some uncomfortable moments and conversations before he proposed. I don’t know why they get all hung up on the surprise aspect of it.
If it were me, knowing what I do now, I wouldn’t bring it up again. He knows you want to get engaged, you already told him. And also, I don’t think three weeks is that long of a time to not talk about it. That’s practically no time at all, especially in “man time.”
If you’re feeling uncomfortable about moving in without a ring, then don’t do it….I am assuming that’s why you’re getting so antsy, because you have that deadline of when you are moving in together?
Post # 8
Trust me, he hasn’t forgotten that you want to get engaged. Just because guys don’t talk about it doesn’t mean they don’t know how we feel. If you’ve discussed it before in the past then he knows that you want to get engaged and get married.
That said, I do think you should bring it up to your Boyfriend or Best Friend again and I think you should do it BEFORE you move in together. I would let him know clearly how you feel about marriage and were you stand and make it clear that you’re both on the same page with where your relationship is heading. It’s not nagging to be direct about where your relationship is going.
Post # 9
@Bubu82: I propbably wont be brining it up again like I have in the past, when we are on the moving in subject and what we are doing with our lives in the next few months I might lightly slip it in there, I am not feeling antsy because the move in date at all. I need to do this for finances too, but we want to live together and have for a while now, would be alot easier on our relationship if we did as well. He did say in the past months when I mentioned being engaged before we moved in together that he would like to live togetehr first and then one day ( not a special occation,so that it is more of a surprise) he will do it. But I am just hoping it is in the next few months. I know he wants to surprise me because he knows it will be memorable and exciting for him to. I just dont want to be living together for 6 months and he forgets about it.
Post # 10
@Anxiouspeanut: After reading your first post I wouldn’t bring it up. Like @Bubu62 said, he knows you want to get engaged and it sounds like bringing it up would only cause the two of you stress. It totally sucks waiting for him to do it but sometimes we just have to deal with it.
If you want a ring before you move in together then I would speak up but you have to be sure that you would be okay with not moving in together for awhile, or at least until he is ready to give you a ring.
Post # 11
@CurlyDreamer: I guess he hasnt forgotten, he is very in tune with my feelings as well as my wants and needs. Like I said in my post to one of the other ladies i will bring it up but very lightly, just to say that I still want you to be thinking about engagement in the near future…
Post # 12
@EagerBeever: I had made the mistake of saying that I wanted a ring before we moved in together but my lease is up at the end of feb and that is really pressuring a guy… so we are moving in together for March 1st and hopeing he proposes not to long after we get ourselves settled in. It is funny because we have been going through some hard times ( not with our relationship) but some complications like I mentioned before where has a back injury and some job things and how we havent had much time to ourselves lately( well in ther past few months) so that has gotten to me quite a bit… I text him yesterday and I just said I am focusing on looking forward to living together it will make things so much better, and he replied yup that will be one thing on the list to check off…. so that got me thinking…. he has a list in his head… # 1 Moving in together # 2 Proposing ect….
Post # 13
@Anxiouspeanut: I’m not trying to be harsh don’t think that’s the right approach. I’m sorry. I think the gentle touch is all wrong. “I still want you to be thinking of engagement in the near future” doesn’t mean anything in guy terms. What is the near future? To some, that could be three years from now. And, your just asking him to think about it, not making any decision either way. And, truth be told, he probaly has been thinking about it already (not necessarily made a decision either way) because he knows this is something you want, you know?
Honestly, hun, I think you need to be firm and let him know exactly what your expectations are and then leave it alone. If marriage is a deal breaker for you, then wouldn’t you like to know that BEFORE you move in together to spare yourself drama down the road?
IMVHO, I think that asking a man to think about it is nagging versus letting him know where you stand on the issue and what your expectations are. Plus, it’s just not direct communication and you’re really just beating around the bush. Do you want him just to think about it, or do you actually want him to propose? The point is not just to remind him, right? You actually want him to start acting on it and not just thinking about it. Be clear in what you want and what your expectations are.
My two cents for what they’re worth.
Post # 14
@CurlyDreamer: Thank you for your input, I have already had those talks with him, those firm “This is what I want” talks …. he knows where I stand but I gave up on the ring before moving in together part and I just hope he doesnt think I have given up on it all together. I had origonally told him last November that my plan was to get married before the end of this year. I then realized I dont want any more arguements about this just want to move step by step and I dont mind if I get married at the beggining of 2012 now. I have changed my mind for us in a few ways I just want him to know I still want to be engaged soon.
Post # 15
@Anxiouspeanut: “I hope that now I have told him I just want to be happy with him and have fun with him he doesnt think I dont want to be engaged soon.”
But that is exactly what he is thinking now. I am pretty sure….
“Do I say something?”
“If so what do I say so that I am not nagging?”
Keep reading below
@Anxiouspeanut: “he knows where I stand but I gave up on the ring before moving in together part and I just hope he doesnt think I have given up on it all together. I had origonally told him last November that my plan was to get married before the end of this year. I then realized I dont want any more arguements about this just want to move step by step and I dont mind if I get married at the beggining of 2012 now. I have changed my mind for us in a few ways I just want him to know I still want to be engaged soon.”
So you told him and led him to believe that it is okay with you that you guys move in without an engagement. Or rather you just want to have fun with him. However in your head is a completely different story that he has no clue about. You must talk to him and clarify that. Like a PP said to just let him know firmly that you want an engagement.
Start off with “…. you know when I said that it’s okay to move in with you and I’ll be happy and take it as it comes, well I thought about it and then realized it came off wrong. What I mean to say is that I still do want to get engaged soon. And I still would like to marry by end of 2011. I apologize for confusing you on this matter. I don’t want you to feel that I want engagement one second and not the next. It is very difficult for me to be moving in with you without an engagement. I hope you understand.” (I’m sure another bee can help word this more appropriately.)
Post # 16
I would tell him what your concerns are. Tell him you’re very excited to live with him, but it makes you uneasy since you aren’t engaged and you don’t know when it’s coming. Suggest that maybe you would be more comfortable if you two could get on the same page about a timeline or a philosophy when it comes to marriage and engagement.