- 5 years ago
Hey guys, so you’ve all helped me SO much with my questions recently and the subject of my low self esteem has come up numerous times so I figure it’s best to just explain myself a bit and hopefully people will understand where I’m coming from.
I’ve always had awful anxiety and (one therapist says) mild BDD. I hated how I looked from the time I was seven, but occasionally I’ll have moments where I like my looks. I tend to place a lot of pressure on myself to look as good as I can, although I really don’t judge other people’s looks at all.
All through high school I purposefully dated less attractive, less intelligent guys because I thought they’d be more likely to value me and stay with me. Not the case! Then, I got to college and met a gorgeous, smart, funny, amazing guy- my current boyfriend. We’ve been together four and a half years, and honestly, I still don’t know how I landed him. Sometimes, I feel like I am so ugly and stupid compared to him. He compliments me all the time, and said that he chose me because I was pretty, but acted like I wasn’t. (His exes were all gorgeous 90 lb women who KNEW they were gorgeous and were very conceited). However, even after such a long time I feel like the littlest mistake coudl provoke him to cheat on me, or leave.
My SO is a teaser, so sometimes he exacerbates my anxiety accidentally. He isn’t abusive and often does whatever he can to make me feel good about myself. The problem I have is really my own problem, not his. He’s a great boyfriend. He is very honest about my physical flaws because I made him swear he’d always be honest with me if I did something with my looks that he didn’t like. (I”m the same way with him, if he asks me about his facial hair or weight, I’ll give an opinion). But honestly I still always feel like the flat-chested, big nosed, pimply face girl I was ten years ago and even if I’m decent-looking now, I never feel good enough for my SO, no matter what he says/does.
In all fairness, I’m less self conscious now than I was five years ago, so yay! Anyway, just a background in case my posts seem insane to anyone 🙂