(Closed) A Little Concerned

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Other than looking for advice online, should one of these other measures?

    House meeting with roommates - everyone voices their concerns about this behavior

    Relationship counseling - since I've already tried voicing my concerns to him myself

    Anger management

    Addiction counseling

    Combination of above (please comment)

  • Post # 32
    Member
    1268 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 1994

    I think a lot of guys yell. And many men do tend to have pent up agressive tendencies they need an outlet for. Throwing things occasionally I’m not sure I would think is a huge deal, but on a regular basis, yeah, that would alarm me. Breaking things would be scary. Sounds like the guy might need to get out of the house more and do something active. Be careful of the guys who are heavy gamers though. They tend to have addictive personalities, which can affect the amount of attention they put into a relationship.

    Post # 33
    Member
    2142 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    my Fiance does this too, not as much, but he’ll yell and smack his computer keyboard. I’m really jumpy and this always makes me tense up and I really don’t like it. But I know it’s harmless behavior, so I try to be less bothered by it, and he tries to tone it down. It’s hard to control it when you get really into a game, I’ll cuss at games or smack the couch a little so I understand where he’s coming from, I just hate the LOUD smacking on the computer. I would talk to him again, while he’s calm and not playing. I don’t know if making an agreement is really the best thing to do, it might lead to resistance/resentment more than cooperation because it feels controlling. I would just tell him why it bothers you, and ask him to try to tone it down out of respect for your feelings. Be open to compromise, decide where you need to draw the line (maybe NO throwing things, but try to bear a few outbursts of swering) and understand this is sometimes the nature of playing competitive games.

    Post # 34
    Member
    663 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I couldn’t help but smile and laugh a little bit reading this post. If this is your biggest relationship problem, that is a good thing! Not to minimize your concerns, but I don’t see it as a big issue. It wouldn’t bother me.

    Post # 35
    Member
    72 posts
    Worker bee

    I think it’s pretty normal for guys to do this when they’re playing video games. My honey does this sometimes, and i just say “babe, stop yelling” and he’s like “oh, I’m sorry” but that’s about it. But sometimes they just get in the zone and there’s no stopping them lol 

    Post # 36
    Member
    2536 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think it isnt healthy him spending so much time on something that makes him so frustrated…but maybe he has a lot of pent up frustration and stress from work that needs letting out. Does he get angry all the time or only when you are there as well? Does he do something and then look to you for a reaction. I’m not saying you are the cause of the anger but sometimes it can be attention seeking behaviour. 

    I learnt to ski a few years ago, not very good at it and everytime I went, I would get really angry and frustrated with myself. So I decided to never go again – I didn’t like the person I became when on my skis. I think you need to wait for him to come to the realisation.

    Maybe you could buy a more “gentle” game that the two of you could play together. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    3400 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @HannahJobanna:  His behavior is roughly the equaivelant of getting angry at a sport game. Boy, I would be divorced from my husband by now if that was the issue.

    I am a domestic violence advocate with a wealth of knowledge on the topic, & I can say for sure that anger at a game is not the same as anger &/or DV in the relationship.

    If you grew up witnessing domestic violence in any way, I can see why it would be concerning, but otherwise I hope you learn to see aggression at a game as sepreate from aggression in a relationship. If you ever just want to vent, talk, or seek advice, please PM me!

     

    Post # 39
    Member
    1344 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church

    View original reply
    @bklynbridetobe:  +10000000000

    My fiance terrifies everyone in the house when he screams at his video games, but he never gets angry about anything else in life. If games are his outlet, so be it. If you don’t like the yelling, just do what the dogs and I do when it gets too loud: go do something else.

    Post # 40
    Member
    1228 posts
    Bumble bee

    I hate to be the red flag.. But hear me out! I could never marry a man who has any violent tendencies at all. Even towards a video game. I’ve had a lot of people close to me be abused, and any man who yells or throws things is a warning sign. One of my closest friends was physically abused for a long time, and she said she missed all the beginning signs. The first sign? He yelled and would hit furniture or throw things. The awful thing? When I’m with her, and I hit my knee when I’m laughing, she FLINCHES. It’s heartbreaking. She cringes and her entire body shakes. She left because she didn’t want her children to grow up with someone like that.. Because children get their examples from their parents. 

    Someone very close to me was abused, and the one piece of advice she gave me? Never marry a man who loses his temper easily. Marry someone with an even temper. Because one day, the man who loses his temper at little things will lose his temper and take it out on you. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    2932 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I understand that it bothers you, so I think a little bit of compromise from him isn’t unreasonable. This is especially true since you have housemates who are also being affected by the situation. It’s not so much about the specific behaviors he displays but about being considerate of other people.

    However, as PPs have already noted, this isn’t really uncommon or “red flag” behavior at all. Neither my husband or I are gamers, but we are rabid sports fans. When one of our teams is on TV, there is a lot of screaming going on and even the occasional throwing of something soft and/or small but always not valuable (lol). I think as long as he’s willing to tone it down some and not shake the walls with his voice, it should be okay. 

    Also, if he only displays this behavior while gaming and at no other time, it’s not a red flag.

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