(Closed) a little confused, we’re engaged but he wants to live together first….

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It makes me think that he just can’t stand being away from you!

I wouldn’t worry about it being a “condition.” Maybe he doesn’t want to move at the same time as getting married–lots of stress there. Or perhaps he wants to iron out “just moved in” kinks before you are newlyweds.

Talk to him, explain your reservations. I’m sure he’ll put your mind at ease.

Post # 4
Member
491 posts
Helper bee

I’m a little confused, he would rather live together before getting married, or he is taking back the proposal because he would rather live together before getting engaged?

Post # 5
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@cjfs:  Honestly I think its a good idea to live together while you are engaged. Its a lot easier to bounce ideas for the wedding off eachother when you’re in the same room. The way I read it, I think he would be happy if he was able to move in with you, and that once he does, the wedding planning would commence. I think he proposed because one of you has to make a huge move, and he wanted to show you that the move is permenant, not just an experiment. Have you discussed who would move?

Post # 6
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It seems like he’s saying, “I know I want to marry you…eventually.”  And that doesn’t have to be bad!  You were expecting to get to experience “the rush” after the proposal of wedding planning (not an unheard-of next step), but although he’s committed, he’s not ready for THAT.  Sounds like he wants a period of engaged and living together.  Yes, it sounds like he’s trying to “be sure” he made the right decision, but it could also be like Roe said, and he just doesn’t want your first months as a married couple marred by working out your household differences.  The only way to truly know is to ask him.  You have every right to say, “I thought engagment meant this:______” and in turn listen to his expectations so whatever the decision is, you came to it more by fact and less by assumptions or suspicions.

You don’t sound like you have cold feet, just a simple case of miscommunication.  I wouldn’t go into the weeds over “Would you marry me?” vs. “Will you marry me?”  Some people honestly don’t know the difference.

Post # 8
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I posted this response on your double post so I will post it here too 🙂

I am not in a similar boat but I highly recommend living together first. Actually, I personally think its a must. Even for people who see each other everyday-but especially in a LDR. I guess I’m on his side on this one. I just think you learn so much about each other. I used to practically live at DH’s before we moved in together, but actually living together was a lot different. A real eye-opener and a great test to what the rest of your life will be like. GL.

Post # 9
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If he’s still in the process of extricating himself from a failed marriage I can definitely understand why he would want to live together first just to calm any fears/shed old baggage before taking the plunge again. The fact that he was willing to propose to you and wants you to move in with him shows that he’s serious about you and deeply in love with you–and it doesn’t exactly sound as though he’s been dragging his feet getting to this point. IMO, this is actually something you should be happy about. He knows that his judgment was less than perfect the first time around, and he’s trying to avoid making the same mistake twice. It’s not a reflection on you or his love for you; rather, it’s a sign that he learns from his mistakes and doesn’t want to hurt either of you in the long term by entering a marriage without total confidence. Don’t think of this as ‘conditional’ or as if he’s setting up some sort of test you have to pass. It sounds to me like he just wants to make sure that both of you enter this marriage with your eyes wide open, and part of loving someone who’s been through divorce is accepting that they may not want to sprint to the altar. Why the rush to start planning? Pressuring him is only going to add to his anxiety. Enjoy being engaged for a bit and savor your time living together and growing to know each other even more fully. If he’s the one for you, waiting an extra six months before setting a date just means that you’ll know and love one another even more deeply by the time you’re saying your vows.

Post # 10
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I went through a divorce and honestly if I had lived even in the vicinity of the guy I married for longer, I wouldn’t have married him.  

I told my Fiance I love him dearly and wanted to marry him but wouldn’t until we’d been dating in proximity of eachother for at least a year.  I loved him with all my heart and was positive I wanted to marry him, but I just wanted to make sure I did everything I could beforehand to make sure.  It made me extra cautious.

I was madly in love when I made this decision.  It was the “this is the smart thing to do, even though it sucks because what my heart wants is to jump right in” thing.  I’m glad I did it because we’ve grown even stronger.  Please don’t worry that it means he doesn’t want to marry you or that he isn’t crazy in love with you, he probably is.  He’s probably 100% confident in you but not confident in himself.  I know that’s what it was like for me.

Post # 11
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I know that I am not going to be voicing a very popular opinion when I say this, but I do not think that a man who is still married (i.e. not yet divorced — for whatever technical reason) should have been in a dating relationship with you for a year and five months, let alone have proposed to you.

I am not saying that he doesn’t love you or that he isn’t sincere in indicating his desire to marry you — or that you won’t live happily ever after.  However, I just do not think it’s right for someone who is still married to be dating anyone else, not to mention already being engaged to that person.

I realize that not everyone shares my beliefs and values, and if you both were living in the same city and decided to move in together, I probably would not even be saying this to you.  However, you are planning to move 8,000 miles — and relocate to an entirely new country for this man. 

An engagement in and of itself is a conditional promise.  Implied is “I want to marry you, if we still feel this way on the day of our scheduled wedding.”  Even with an engagement, marriage is not a guarantee.  Many engagements never lead to marriage.  Your Fiance has, in fact, now added yet another condition, “… if you live with me first, and nothing changes my mind about wanting to marry you.”  He may not have said that out loud, but that’s what he is implying.

Before you actually commit to making such a drastic move, please at least consider that you could be making these enormous life changes for a relationship that may never result in marriage, or it may not result in marriage on a timeframe of your choosing. 

Post # 12
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Brielle:  I understand that viewpoint, though I strongly disagree.  

It does bring up that if he has been in a relationship with you for a year and 5 months and his divorce is not final, how long has he been separated?  It could count as adultery if his ex-wife gets wind of your relationship and she may be able to use it to her advantage in the divorce proceedings if property and money are involved.  If that’s the case, keep in mind that you’ll have that baggage to deal with.  If he started dating you long distance right after the divorce, keep in mind that you started this at a very emotional time for him and as he evens out, he might start to change his opinions on things.  I’m not saying he will, just that it is a wise caution that if you have to move, you are prepared for it to not end in marriage.  That’s a very insecure position to be in, so of course you feel insecure and let down.

But I still think you shouldn’t worry too much that it indicates that you’re less engaged than other people are; a lot of people favor long engagements and have conditions on when they’re ready to be married but want to be engaged in the meantime.

Post # 13
Member
9649 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

living together before you get married is a great idea, means there will be no surprises once you come back from the honeymoon, especially since you have been in a LDR, you can become accustomed to each other’s habits and moving in together now means you get to spend every night together sooner rather than later 🙂 but make sure it is what you both want 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

@cjfs:  

 

his divorce is not final, thus i can see why he’s suggesting to live together first

Oh my gosh. 

, but it’s still puzzling and i’m not sure where I really stand.

Ohhhh my GOSH.

I mean there’s an engagement ring on my finger but it seems conditional, not a great feeling.

You’re considering moving 8,000 miles and uprooting your entire life under these circumstances? I agree with Brielle. I think there is a chance this will all work out. But OP, you are wise to pay attention to this confused, unsettled feeling. You’re right, this is very conditional. I seriously would not even dream of moving in with a guy who wasn’t even divorced yet. While I respectfully acknowledge that many people here feel that living together is a good way to “see how things work out” before deciding whether or not to take the plunge and make things legal — (I don’t agree with that by the way, LOL) — it seems to me that at the VERY least, he could set a date with you — a TENTATIVE date for heaven’s sake — just to ease your mind and let you know that he has all intentions of marrying you on XYZ date, assuming things work out the way you hope they will.

Good luck with whatever you decide… I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my opinion. I just think that generally speaking, it’s not a good idea for a couple to live together before marriage when one of them is wishing for the marriage to hurry up and happen moreso than the other. It creates a lopsided dynamic and usually it’s the woman who takes the emotional risks and makes the sacrifice of feeling frustrated, anxious, uncertain, etc. Just my two cents.

 

I also would like to add: If he loves you… if he really, truly loves you and this really, truly was meant to be, he will give you more of a commitment if you let him know how important it is to you. Him “lightly” telling you he thinks it’s a good idea to live together first, with no timeline and no date on the horizon, would make me very nervous. Also, when is his divorce scheduled to be finalized???

Post # 15
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My Fiance felt strongly that we lived together but he wouldn’t even propose until we had…now your in a bit of an odd sitation…hope it works out!

Post # 16
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with everything that Andr0meda has said.

Personally I would be hurt if my Fiance wouldn’t talk wedding stuff until we had lived together for a while. To me it seems like he wants a test run and if he doesn’t like how it turns out it is easier to end it before plans have been made and money is put down. I hope it works out for you 

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