(Closed) A little etiquette trivia: Which one of us messed up worse???

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Technically speaking, who messed up worse?
    I did, by not inviting the social unit together : (7 votes)
    9 %
    She did, by just adding her boyfriend to the RSVP : (34 votes)
    43 %
    We both blew it equally and should go on an etiquette time-out : (38 votes)
    48 %
  • Post # 3
    13015 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think you both made a technical faux pas, but…it seems like it worked out for the best with no hurt feelings! 

    Post # 4
    1319 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    @PinkFlemingo:  I’m a firm believer in together 1 yr, living together, or engaged. If they’ve been together more than a year and nobody told you, you just made a simple mistake.

    But she should also ask before adding someone to an RSVP.

    Both of you were wrong (ish), but you, unknowingly so.

    Post # 5
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @PinkFlemingo:  LOL  This made me laugh.  🙂  

    I agree with the above poster.  I think that you both equally screwed up here, but your screw up “had no malice”.  You thought you did your research and invited accordingly.  She should have called you to ask about her boyfriend (which would still be rude…but not as rude as just adding in the +1).  She knew what she was doing.

    But, it all worked out!  So…yay!

    Post # 7
    1361 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I think you both technically make a mistake in terms of etiquette, but no big deal since it worked out!

    Post # 8
    10573 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    Don’t know, maybe she found out her parents goofed by what they told yourparents, and she thought this was the easiest way to clear it up.

    Post # 9
    2607 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Technically she did.. she should have gotten in contact with you to explain her realationship situation, and ask if she could bring her Boyfriend or Best Friend, prior to RSVPing.

    Post # 10
    5428 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Neither of you messed up, you didn’t know, your mom didn’t know, it’s the cousin who messed up by changing the RSVP that way….

    Post # 11
    1699 posts
    Bumble bee

    You aren’t expected to read minds.

    You ARE expected to be socially responsible and manage your own social obligations. Even if your parents keep good address-lists for their Christmas cards and are the mavens of family lore, if you are old enough to get married you are old enough to start keeping track of friends and family for your own social purposes. So you get a slap on the wrist for relying heavily on Mom.

    But Cousin has the same obligations. If she is old enough to consider herself part of a “committed social unit” equivalent to engaged or married for the purposes of feeling entitled to bring Dude along to family events, then she too is old enough to manage her social obligations. One such obligation is to keep her social contacts up-to-date on important developments in her life. That is WHY engagement announcements and wedding announcements exist: they used to be published in the social pages precisely so that all the Society hostesses would know they needed to send a second invitation from then on. Of course, nowadays there are relatively few newspapers publishing social pages, but people have a Facebook Timeline instead. And of course Facebook is pretty impersonal (as was the social paper) but nowadays you also have the option of email and texting plans. We used to write letters to keep our connections up to date on family news — on paper, with fountain pens!!!

    So Cousin, upon receiving your invitation to her alone as a “single” should have blushed to think how out-of-touch she has been. Then she should have written you a note (text-message) of congratulations, in which she also in passing brought you up-to-date on what’s going on in her life, including obliquely in passing that she and Dude are in her eyes equivalent-to-engaged. In the course of the note she might mention that she can’t R.s.v.p. yet because she needs to make arrangements for undertaking the arduous journey from Canada to Pink-Flamingo land and worries about travelling that far alone.

    Then you text back asking for Dude’s name and address, so that you can send him an invitation too. Ta-da! Emily gets to settle down and stop spinning in her grave, and Cousin and Dude get to come to the wedding and tell you all about chasing grizzlies out of the one-room schoolhouse in Flin-flon.

    Post # 12
    110 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I agree with sweetpea87 , if they have been dating a year they should be on the invite. You said you knew they were in a serious relationship, so in my opinion he should of been on the guest list to start with. Especially if they are making the effort to come from out of town. But thats strictly my opinion. I would had probably done the same as your cousin.

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