(Closed) A little help with wedding etiquette, please?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@jaim1104:  

Save the Dates (although not mandatory) go out 9-12 months before the wedding.  They are usually for VIP people because everyone who gets an STD (Save the Date) must get an invitation, but not vice versa.  Or if many guests will have to travel to you from afar then an STD is helpful for them to set aside that weekend or look for tickets.  Just met an  awesome friend recently and want to invite her?  Wait until the invitations to give her a mailing, because if you two are not friends in 9 months, she still has to be invited due to getting an STD!

If guests are flying in, they do not need to wait for a true invitation to get tickets.  The STD is enough indicaton saying you are going to be invited, go ahead and book your reservations.

Wedding invitations go out 6-8 weeks before the wedding date.  The RSVP date is usually about 2 weeks before the date your caterer, etc needs a final head count.  This gives you two weeks for the stragglers to come in or for you to contact any people who haven’t RSVPed.

Shower invitations – well you should not be sending your own shower invitations out.  That’s for whoever is hosting your shower.  Maybe someone has a time frame on that.

Dances or dancing period is not something that is required at any reception.  I’m sorry you lost your momma.  I lost my dad on June 1st.  Nothing is required.

You can do whichever flavor cake you want.  Maybe if it’s several tiers, have different flavors just in case.  I know I’m lactose intolerant so I couldn’t eat the frosting.

I’ve never seen two garters!  One is not even required, it’s all optional,

The consensus is that a separate “tip jar” for honeymoon donations is kind of tacky.  People are already there and most likely giving you a gift, maybe even a shower gift too – so try to not to get more money out of them.

Money dances are truly regional.  I’ve always seen them growing up so they are normal.  Others think they are quite tacky and abominable.

 

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

ok lets see here….. ok well i’m not sure what etiquette says regarding sending Save-The-Date Cards and invites . We sent our Save-The-Date Cards out last March, LOL way early! but we will be sending invites beginning of March, we have a ton of out of towners.

 

I’m not doing that dance, only because FI’s dad isnt going to be there, and well idk it seems awkward lol.

 

Cake! I would say stick with one flavor for the cake, you know just to please everyone. Maybe your cake topper could be carrot? We are doing cupcakes, which will be marble with BC frosting, and our top cake is going to be a white chocolate.

 

Garter, one is to wear during the wedding, and one is to toss. ya know who wants to catch a sweaty garter! lol

 

I would say one or the other for the honeymoon fund vs money dance. I want to do the money dance, but will get a clutch because nothing is getting pinned on my dress lol

Post # 5
Member
46670 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Many garters come in sets of two.

One is for you to wear. The other is for the groom to toss so you can keep the nicer garter as a souvenir.

Bridal shower invitations should be mailed by the hostess between 3-4 weeks ahead of the shower depending on the formality, location etc of the shower.

In no uncertain terms, please do not have a honeymoon fund jar. Public begging is never gracious. It is not up to your guests to finance your honeymoon.

I do understand that the dollar dance is a custom in certain regions, ethnic backgrounds etc. If you live in such a region or belong to that ethnic background, feel free to indulge.

Post # 6
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jaim1104:  

Our Save-The-Date Cards went out about 9 months in advance.  We sent invites out 3 months in advance, with an RSVP date of 6 weeks in advance.  Shower invites went out about 1 month in advance.

I’ve never heard of dancing with your Future Father-In-Law and him with his Future Mother-In-Law.  At our wedding, I will be dancing with my dad, he will be dancing with his mom.  I think any dances you want to do are completely optional, so do whatever you’d like!

Fiance loves carrot cake and really really wanted it. I did not (nor did I want to force everyone else to eat carrot cake).  I gave in and let him have it for the top layer (the one you guys save for yourselves).  We have 5 tiers on our cake, each a different flavor cake and different flavor filling (filling is different then icing).  The icing is all a buttercream.  For red velvet, we did a cream cheese filling, but again the icing is buttercream.  You’ll probably have to pick 1 icing, but you could always do a cream cheese filling for your carrot cake (I think we actually did that with our top layer).

They usually give you 2 garters – one for you to wear, and one for you to toss away in the garter toss, so you can keep your “real” garter for yourself.  If you’re not doing a garter toss, only need 1 garter (if you choose to wear one!).  This is what I did.

I’m anti asking for money in any way shape or form, so I’m against honeymoon jars and dollar dances.  But, that’s just me.  I’d definitely stay away from the honeymoon fund jar.  Dollar dances are regional – so if it’s common in your area and you want to do it, go for it!  I’ve never been to a wedding that had one.

Hope this helps!

Post # 8
Member
8179 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@jaim1104:  Here are my thoughts:

Save-The-Date Cards & Invites: Don’t know, must defer to other bees.

Dance: You can do whatever you’re comfortable with. Too many “clear the floor for this special dance” dances can get boring for your guests though. Most people leave it at Bride & Groom’s First Dance, Bride & Dad, and Groom & Mom. If you like your Future Father-In-Law, it would be a lovely gesture for you to dance with him and your husband to dance with your stepmom during the regular dancing. Just ask the DJ to play an appropriate song, and go ask them without making a big deal. 

Cake: I love carrot cake, so I say go for it! … Not sure about the frostings though. Your baker can probably tint the white frosting just a touch so it matches the cream cheese frosting.

The fancier one is for you to keep as a keepsake. The less fancy one is the men’s version of the bouquet toss — your hubby throws it to a group of single male guests. Or it could be all male guests, or heck, could be everyone, I don’t judge! Many couples forego this altogether though, it’s your choice. 

Honeymoon Jar: No. Not cool.

Dollar Dance: Yes, if your friends and family are used to this, they will enjoy it.

Post # 9
Member
13290 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Please, for the love of everything, don’t put a tip jar out at your wedding asking your guests to pay for your honeymoon.  

Other than that, you can do whatever you want for the others.  But basically asking for tips at your wedding is inappropriate. 

Post # 10
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You got some really good advice, but for the cake I didn’t see anyone mention doing a groom’s cake.  You could do that as a carrot cake and do some basic flavors for the actual wedding cake. 

Post # 11
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

You can’t really have people give you a shower gift, a wedding gift, money dance and a honeymoon tip jar… that’s way too much and looks money-grabby.

I’ve only ever heard of money dance being done at Greek weddings, so that’s a mystery to me. But yeah, stay away from anything that asks guests to fund your honeymoon.

Post # 12
Member
8179 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@alyssaC:  Brilliant! There is no law that the bride can’t eat a slice of groom’s cake!

 

     … Is there?

Post # 13
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Lol, Etiquette Snob here (comes with my past career), so let me address the two items that would beconsidered by many to be Etiquette Faux Pas in your posting.

Bridal Showers – They are NEVER hosted by the Guest of Honour (GOH) … but always by someone who wants the Shower the GOH (in this case the Bride) with Good Wishes & Gifts.  So typically someone in the Wedding Party, or a Relative will host this event for the Bride.

What the Bride can host, is a Bridal Luncheon for her Bridesmaids, in the weeks before the Wedding itself.  A time to shower your Girls with Thanks for being there to support you on your Big Day.  A great time to present their Bridesmaids Gifts (items that you’ve selected for each of them indiviually… so no mass all-the-same gift… and nothing that you expect to use / wear at the Wedding… the Gifts should be personal and representative of each woman, and her own interests).  Which shows how much you know her, love her, and are happy she is a valued friend in your life.

Wedding Gifts – No mention on your Invites / or Invite Package in any way shape or form.  Not even the phrase “No Gifts Please”… even if that is your wish.  Gifts are not an expected element of a Wedding… they are just a pleasant side-effect.  Technically as a Bride you shouldn’t be talking about them at all (in olden days it was the Family Members who figured out what the Newlyweds would need, and spread the word).  And so its been for eons… so if you are Registered somewhere you can let your family / Wedding Party know where, so they can point Guests in the right direction.

In modern days, things have relaxed a wee bit on this “can’t tell” front, in that if you do have a Wedding Website, it is now acceptable to put up on there some extra info for your Guests… things like Travel Info, Directions to the Church & Venue, and a quick (one line) reference to where you are Registered.  “We are registered at Macy’s”… but that it is, don’t go into details, or it seriously can look like you are being Gift Grabby (more concerned with what you’ll get, than the Wedding itself and the opportunity to see friends & family there).  The long time appropriate reply when a Bride is asked “What can we get you ?”… “Honest your being there is the only Gift we wish for”

Which brings us to the Wedding Reception itself.  It is OK to have a Card Box (in some form / design) so that your Guests can leave their Cards & Best Wishes.  It is also ok to have a table or designated place for Guests to leave Wrapped Presents if they brought them with them.  In which case, you’ll want someone available to keep an eye on things (sad as it is… theft from Weddings is common). 

Which is WHY the correct etiquette (as a Guest) really is to send Gifts ahead to the Bride before the Wedding… so do think about the address you put on things for your RSVPs cause that is most likely where things will be sent (an important consideration if you don’t want the FedEx guy to leave your valuables on the sidewalk in front of your house when you are not home !!)

Also, from an Etiquette perspective, the couple should not be using their Wedding Presents PRIOR to actually being married… because God Forbid if the Wedding was to not come off for whatever reason, the gifts should be returned to the Giver, so they can be refunded for them by the store where they made the purchase.

As the other Bees have said, Money Dances are considered an Ethnic or Regional Custom (as are Cash Bars)… so if they are the norm in your area, then certainly go ahead and have one.

BUT any form of “fundraising” at a Wedding that isn’t based on Ethniticiy can be seen as being tacky… most notably these Honeymoon Jars that have been popping up on Pinterest lately.  As others have said, they look like “charity case” jars, so a form of begging for money… not cool.  Particularly so in light of the fact that those Guests who will have wanted to contribute to your Wedding with a Gift, will have already done so BEFORE arriving at the Party to Celebrate your Marriage.

Hope that helps,

PS… Nothing wrong with having a Honeymoon Jar at home tho, where you or your Fiance can drop in your loose change, and see the amount grow in the time leading up to your Wedding.  A great way to encourage saving for something that you both will LOVE so much when the time comes.

 

Post # 14
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Daisy_Mae:  Groom’s Cakes are an AWESOME Southern Tradition that has caught on an migrated North and around the world by all accounts here on WBee.

You can have the Grooms Cake at the Wedding itself, as an alternate choice… (once upon a time the Wedding Cake was Fruitcake or Vanilla, and the Groom’s Cake was often Chocolate)

OR you can have it as the main dessert at the Rehearsal Dinner… in which case you might want to totally follow the Southern Tradition of it being decorated / designed to represent something the Groom might be interested in (Hobby, Sports etc)

GOOGLE – Grooms Cake – and you’ll see some incredible works of art !!

And ya, it can be any flavour you like, and certainly any of the Guests, and you the Bride can definitely indulge in a taste (or two)

 

Post # 15
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Daisy_Mae:  I hope not! hahaha I plan on having some of FI’s red velvet cake!!!

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