(Closed) A little hurt by some guests (vent)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

I’d just have your Fiance call and gently talk to them.  Just have him ask them and tell them how much it would mean to them.  My husband had someone very close to him do this (they could have come but chose not to – nothing personal to either one of us, complicated situation but we wanted him there still).  My hub called and talked to him about it and couldn’t change his mind but I think it made him feel better that he actually tried  and let him know how he felt about it.

Post # 5
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I wouldn’t say anything to them.  I know you Fiance is hurt, but think of how painful it would be for this man to sit through a wedding on the day when he is most thinking about his late wife.  If it were me, I cannot imagine that I would even want to get out of bed that day, much less go to a wedding and be reminded of love and the day I vowed to spend my life with someone, while sitting there next to an empty seat… I’m tearing up now just thinking about it!  His not coming says nothing about how much he loves your Fiance, it says that he’s still mourning his lost love.  He probably hasn’t said anything about it because it’s such an emotional and personal reason, and some men are not comfortable talking about things like that.

As to the daughter, I’m guessing the excuses she has told you are not her real reasons.  But I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions about whether she likes or doesn’t like you based on that.  She probably wants to spend the day with her father, so he doesn’t have to be alone.  Plus she may still be grieving herself.  But if that is the case, I can see why it would just be easier to say “oh, I can’t get a sitter” rather than say “My father is still having a difficult time dealing with my mother’s death and I’d like to spend the day with him.”

I know that it is painful not to have the people you love at your wedding, but please try not to hold this against them.  They’re dealing with a major loss in their lives, and while two years may seem like a long time from the outside, for them the emotions are still probably pretty raw, especially on a day like an anniversary of a death.

Post # 6
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Aw, I’m so sorry.  I can see why this upsets your Fiance and you.  That is a major let down.  I’m hoping that by the time the wedding comes around, they will have a change of heart.  A friend of mine told our mutual friends that she couldn’t come to my wedding because hers had been canceled and it was too painful.  But when I sent out the invitations, she changed her mind.  Sometimes people don’t realize how their absence will effect you as the bride and groom. 

Post # 7
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree that it isn’t your place or your FI’s place to talk to them about this.  That will only put them in a very awkward position and will most likely cause a rift in the relationship. While I understand the father’s reason, if that is the true reason, the daughter’s reason makes no sense.  I don’t believe that the reason she gave you is the true reason why she will not be attending, but let it go. Whatever the reason is, she clearly isn’t comfortable telling you two about it.

As disappointing as this is, don’t let it take away from your day and the importance of the day.

Post # 7
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree that it isn’t your place or your FI’s place to talk to them about this.  That will only put them in a very awkward position and will most likely cause a rift in the relationship. While I understand the father’s reason, if that is the true reason, the daughter’s reason makes no sense.  I don’t believe that the reason she gave you is the true reason why she will not be attending, but let it go. Whatever the reason is, she clearly isn’t comfortable telling you two about it.

As disappointing as this is, don’t let it take away from your day and the importance of the day.

Post # 9
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I have to go with @greenleafmountain on this one.  I TOTALLY get why your Fiance is so upset about this, because he loves them and wants to share this day with them.  But losing a wife is something that I don’t think you can even begin to understand unless you’ve been through it and if he’s not ready to sit through a wedding on the anniversary of her death, I can’t say that I blame him one bit.  And I certainly would NOT call him out on this even to let him know how much his presence would mean to your FI–this will very likely just make him feel worse.  I think that he hasn’t said anything because invitations haven’t gone out yet, your wedding is still a ways off, and maybe he’s hoping he’ll have a change of heart and not have to let down someone he loves.  But he shouldn’t have to explain himself to anyone on this one.  And I agree that the daughter’s excuses sound a little flimsy, but if that was my dad, I’d want to be with him that day and I’m not sure anything would be more important than that.  HE’S probably the reason she’s already going to be in town–so that he doesn’t have to be alone on a painful anniversary.  I know this must be so difficult for your Fiance because these are important people in his life.  But some things can’t be helped.  I’m very sorry for all involved.  🙁

Post # 10
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My mom’s friend came to my wedding. She lost her husband over 10 years ago to cancer. She cried throughout portions of the ceremony AND reception. She’s like my second mother and it was really sweet of her to come (her daughter was my bridesmaid, she’s my age) and fly all the way in from California.

That being said, it was REALLY hard for her to be there. And every time i saw her in the corner, wiping away tears, it really made me sad. My mom said that my wedding brought back many memories for her and it was like opening up a fresh wound.

Anyways, I can completely relate because I would have been sad if she didn’t make it. But at the same time, seeing her cry and grieve during my wedding was really hard to watch, also, and I couldn’t help but feel very guilty.

Just some perspective…your Fiance can be sad and disappointing, but this man’s wife died only 2 years ago. If my friend’s mom was this sad after 10 years, I can imagine that only 2 years makes it that much more difficult possibly.

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