(Closed) A little mean or good idea?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

So you’re manipulating and forcing a proposal?  Really????

Post # 33
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Ok.

You want marriage but he does not. 

You BOTH want to stay together.

He says he will marry you so you can legally stay in this country to be together after your student visa runs out.

You are afraid if laws change the option to marry to stay here will no longer be available and you will have to leave this country. 

TELL HIM YOUR FEAR. ASK IF HE WILL BE HEARTBROKEN IF THAT WERE TO HAPPEN. DECIDE TOGETHER IF THAT IS A REAL CONCERN AND IF THAT CONCERN IS ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY MOVING AHEAD WITH MARRIAGE SOONER THAN LATER. MAKE CERTAIN YOU BOTH ARE ON SAME PAGE OF WANTING TO DO IT SOONER TO AVOID CHANGES IN LAW THAT WOULD PREVENT YOU FROM HAVING THIS OPTION LATER.

                                   *****AND*****

ONLY GO THROUGH WITH MARRIAGE IF 

1) YOU BOTH ARE CONCERNED ENOUGH THAT THE OPTION MAY BE UNAVAILABLE IN THE FUTURE AND WANT TO AVOID BEING FORCED TO SEPARATE 

2) YOU WOULD BE HAPPY TO STAY WITH HIM WITHOUT MARRIAGE IF THE IMMIGRATION STATUS WERE NOY AN ISSUE

 In other words marriage would only be a legal garuntee you can stay together and the real commitment is the love between u 2 AND you are 100% comfortable with that – no dilutions or fantasies that it is anything different. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by majorairhead.
Post # 36
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
clarissabee:  I know this might be a bit manipulative … 

Yep. It is. 

He doesn’t want to get married. Stop acting desperate and using your citizenship status to force him. 

 

Post # 37
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
clarissabee:  yes and no. I kept pushing the marriage question and I was the one who proposed. After we were married he mentioned that marriage was never in his plans, he only married me not to lose me, he didn’t want kids after all that he told me he did “cause otherwise you would have left” and so many other things. During a fight he informed me he couldn’t have kids (that had never been mentioned up to that point) and was glad because he didn’t want any and wouldn’t have any even if he could. Whenever I asked about us getting a place, paying bills, etc he told me “you figure it out. You were the one who wanted to get married”. So I was stuck paying all of our bills on a $10k salary while he made four times that. But refuses to help. Kept a separate account and some days I couldn’t even afford lunch. But each month he gave his married sister (I emphasize that because it’s important) $600 to pay her rent so she wouldn’t have to work. Because he thought it was important for her to stay home with her daughter (who was 4 at the time) while her husband worked (and made good money, just not enough for her lifestyle, so she “borrowed” the money each month to pad their account). 

 

I know thats different than your case, but if he’s not interested in marriage, “making” him won’t suddenly make him happy with it. Just resentful. 

Post # 38
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

View original reply
clarissabee:  And I am against the shut it up pact, back up plan, etc. But actively playing games like this is on a whole different plane  

And why do you want to be with a man that misled you?  The fact that he was so ok with you making sacrifices against your future, knowing how he felt about marriage, truly shows that he doesn’t really care how any of this affects you, only what he gets out of this. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t have let you give up such amazing opportunities for your future, he would have sat down with you and figured out a plan so that you didn’t have to sacrifice anything. Between this and some other of your posts, this sounds like a very one sided relationship with him having all his needs met, and you getting very little met. 

Post # 39
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
beebee1983:  This is THAT girl? Bookshelf girl? Jeez- OP — RUN

Post # 40
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

View original reply
clarissabee:  maybe but maybe not. Fake marriages for legal status are fairly common and you two will be intervieed, scrutiized and basically have to jump thru hoops to prove it is a real legit love marriage. If u wait till close to your visa expiring and run to the courthouse it will look more suspect. I had a family member do this basicall to help a friend stay – plan was divorse in 3 yrs. Due to legal scrutiny ect they had to keep it up almost 9 years. Now in their case they were not legit but trying to prove they were to avoid fraud accusations. You want to be together but last minute marriage could look suspect and If laws change it could be tougher to prove legitemacy. .

His lack of concern could mean he would be ok if things did not work out

There seem to be a lot of things he “does not believe in”

Hopefully the relationship is not one of them.

Post # 41
Member
1903 posts
Buzzing bee

You have to “bluff” to get him to marry you?

Not a story to tell the grandkids.

Post # 42
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
clarissabee:  

Besides he manipulated me because I gave up schools and scholarships for him, in hopes one day that would lead to a future together. At that time he never revealed to me how against marriage he was and told me he would want to get married

WHAT?! Oh F that noise. Apply to that far away school for real.

Post # 43
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

There are lots of people that use manipulation to make people marry them. That does not make it okay. It also does not guarentee that it will last. I wont judge the situation either way, but I do feel, after reading your post, that he does not want to marry you. To try and “force” or “manipulate” someone to marry you is not wise and has fail written all over it. He knows you are on borrowed time here. If he wanted that with you, you would have had it by now. Someone else married to stay due to visa, they were filing for divorce in 2 months. Its not worth it.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by WannaBeMrs.B.
Post # 44
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Also what heputaringonit says is a very good point. He has allowed you to make sacrifices but what about him??? Something to think about!

Post # 45
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Does he love you enough to follow you to your country and live together unmarried there??

The topic ‘A little mean or good idea?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors