(Closed) A little mean or good idea?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 48
181 posts
Blushing bee

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clarissabee:  aside from the fact that you are not explicitly telling him it’s an ultimatum, this is basically no different from an ultimatum. You want to threaten him in order to hopefully force him do something he had told you he wouldn’t otherwise do.

I agree with everyone else that this is a terrible idea for a lot of reasons, and not least because this relationship and this man are not REALLY what you want. You’re trying to make it into what you want but it isn’t. Please listen to the UNANIMOUS advice you solicited.

To add more to this, I actually think your “bluff” isn’t that bad of an idea. I’m not saying you have to move away from him to move on, but you seem to have put a lot of eggs in a very poorly constructed basket and maybe if you tried starting over, either where your are or in a new place with a solid scholarship, it wouldn’t be the worst idea you’ve had this week.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by illyana.
Post # 49
6257 posts
Bee Keeper

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clarissabee:  I’ll be honest with you.  I am one of the people who had to push far harder than should have been necessary in order to get married.  It sucked.  And we’re doing great now.  He was making it out to be a much bigger deal than it was given the situation we were already in – we were basically already married in all but name (and sex, lol).

Here’s the thing though:  We are in agreement about almost everything.  We wanted the same house, knew it was the right one for us.  We have the same taste in furniture, in adventures, hobbies (some of them anyway).  He loves my dog and tolerates my cat.  When I bought him a hamper to clean up his clothes, he used it – I didn’t have to ask permission.  Our lives mesh very well.  

You, on the other hand, from what you’ve posted here:  he won’t buy your personal items (not a dealbreaker).  He won’t buy furniture and he won’t allow you to do so either (WTH?).  He doesn’t believe in marriage (what does that even mean?).  He maybe doesn’t spend much time with you (basing that on the snack/meal thread).  Now add into that the plan to bluff that you’re going to leave, which makes you untrustworthy when he finds out.  The two of you aren’t on the same page about pretty much anything!  You can like a person, you can love a person, but it doesn’t mean you are compatible and the two of you don’t appear to be, from the snapshots I’ve seen of your life.

Adding one more thing:  My husband doesn’t agree with marriage in the state that it exists today.  He doesn’t feel the government should be able to decide who can/can’t get married or have their noses in that at all.  If he could have done, he’d have gotten common law married to me, and I would have accepted that as a compromise.  But it’s not feasible where we are, and so we did it for real.  Because he loves me and didn’t want to lose me when the chips were down.  The thing is, when I finally said it was now or I was walking (after 8 years, not 2, btw), I meant it and he believed me, thank freaking goodness.  If you are still determined, find out what it is about marriage that bothers him.  He can’t just say he doesn’t believe in it, that’s a bullshit answer.  Get to the bottom of it and you may find your solution.

Post # 50
372 posts
Helper bee

Marrying someone who doesn’t want to marry you is a very bad idea. I’m sorry, but all of your posts make this sound like a really unhappy and unhealthy situation in general. Are you sure this relationship is what you want?

Post # 51
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

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clarissabee:  Maybe ask him to do some serious research in this area to educate himself on the legalities. 

And while he does this apply to schools and make a backup plan. No sense in not pursuing better opportunities for yourself. You have to take care of you. Make options for a future for yourself. With or without him. If he really loves you he will do what he needs to do to be with you. 

Post # 52
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I don’t see how lying about this is going to make him suddenly believe in marriage. Also, getting married because of the miniscule possibility of a law being enacted over a year from now seems like a poor decision.

Are you sure you want to marry someone who makes you feel like you have to do things like this?

Post # 53
6369 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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clarissabee:  Oh well since he manipulated you then it’s totally okay for you to do the same thing to him. 

Please note the heavy sarcasm.

This is not a healthy relationship. 

Post # 54
1629 posts
Bumble bee

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skunktastic:  Hmmm. So I guess it’s okay to push someone to marry you as long as you have the same taste in furniture? What? 

Post # 55
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I would have broken up with him at tampons. If he can’t help you out for something as basic as that, I don’t think you should even be considering any further commitment. Marriage does not seem like it is in the realm of possibility for you two. It’s time to let this relationship go. 

Post # 56
3148 posts
Sugar bee

What a toxic relationship. Do each of you a favor, and move on. 

Post # 57
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

First time commenting on any of your boards.

It sounds like you two do not have the same big picture in mind – like living arrangements & views on relationships. Also you two are not in the same place in terms of commitment and ready for that next step of marriage. It is not right to play games and “bluff” him into marriage. That would be a very manipulative thing to do. Do not do this. There are over 7 billion people in the world. I can guarantee you there is someone out there better suited for the two of you. You will meet your husband when the time is right and you will not have to trick him into marrying you, it will not be an uphill battle to have basic furniture and the only woman he will fantastize about being with is you! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over as a single woman. 

Post # 60
19 posts
  • Wedding: December 2012

I absolutely agree with what Kaysar said.

Take it from someone who was once on a student visa 13 Years ago and got married to a man after 8 months of being together… yes we loved each other, and there was some pressure, it was mostly because we didn’t know what else to do and didn’t want to be apart, he didn’t want me going back to my home country and I didn’t want to leave him. That said, the marriage did not work… I was too young and immature, it just wasn’t right, we had different ideas of life together. I was a different person back then and the marriage ended very badly. I’m now married again in my 30’s and very happy.

It’s really not worth the heartache and it sounds like you are tricking him into marrying you. If you have to go home and he misses and loves you enough he will come after you. There are other ways of staying together while staying a part, if you really love each other you will make it work somehow. If not then obviously it wasn’t meant to be and you have to just leave it at that, move on. My grandparents were apart for 2 years during the war, they made it work and were married for 70 Years. True love always wins. 

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