(Closed) A little mean or good idea?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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clarissabee:  I think you need to do some soul searching and explore and experience life on your own.  It really seems like, according to your previous posts, that there are a lot of things about this guy that make the two of you less than compatible.  Lose the drama and get on with your life.

Post # 62
Member
6231 posts
Bee Keeper

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alamana:  I don’t know if you deliberately misunderstood me or not.  My point was it was just one thing out of many.  For her it’s freaking everything.  And unfortunately some guys do need a boost.  That’s just the way it is.  I’m not worried for me or him, but I am worried for clarissabee.

Post # 63
Member
6231 posts
Bee Keeper

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clarissabee:  My husband was always fine with the concept of REAL marriage.  We did the legal stuff on a different day.  For us, the real deal was saying vows we’d written with our family and friends to witness.  that aspect of the marriage was still important to us both.  The rest he just dealt with because it was the only logical thing to do.  But again I stress that what is important here is that you two don’t seem to agree on ANYTHING and that does not a healthy marriage make.

Post # 64
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Apropos of nothing, while I love my country I can’t understand how anyone from France would prefer to live here. But I have several friends who are from France and they like it here, so I guess it’s possible 🙂 

 for this situation, I know you want this man so much that you dont care what you have to do to get him, but I’m asking you to look at him and who he is. 

Just for a moment, turn off the blind love and ask if this is behavior that says he will be a good husband. 

Clearly, he will not be a husband who makes you feel secure, who will show you he wants this relationship, unless you keep escalating manipulations. There comes a point in marriage where that trick doesn’t work anymore and then what? 

 

Post # 65
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I actually think distance would be a good thing in this instance, and in a lot of others too.

My fiance and I met when I was studying in his country during the first week of university, instantly knew we wanted to be together, and dated from like day 5 or 6 of knowing each other.  Our courses were a year long and my visa allowed me to stay for 4 months after they ended.  We spoke of marriage but did not get engaged and I flew back to the US over a year ago, and we turned into a long distance couple.  Being apart is really hard and does not get easier but honestly I think it’s such a good thing that we didn’t just rush into anything.  We got engaged 11 months after I moved back here.  Having the time apart has definitely showed both of us that getting married is the right decision; we just want to have a life together so much.  I know I’ll never take him for granted and vice versa because we know what it’s like to live apart and we do not like it!

What I’m saying is, I do think you should move away.  Don’t put all your eggs into this basket.  Focus on yourself and see what happens.

Post # 66
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Huh, well if fake transferring to another school doesn’t pan out, maybe you can fake a pregnancy next and really force his hand.

But seriously, it should not be this hard two years in. I went back and read all the posts that you didn’t delete and it doesn’t sound like you two are on the same page at all. He doesn’t want to consolidate your lives. it’s his apartment and he let’s you live there but makes it clear that it is not your home. He doesn’t even want to share milk! 

As harsh as this may sound, he knows what’s on the line and he doesn’t seem fussed. For him, you finishing school may be a clean way to break things off. He says he doesn’t want to, and yet his actions say that he doesn’t really want to make room in his life for you. If this was IT for him like it is for you, I think he would be trying his hardest to make sure that you absolutely will not have to be parted when you graduate. Instead, he is stacking his books on the floor because you aren’t allowed to buy a shelf for his apartment and he is making vaque statements about ‘not believing in marriage’ as if it was a leprechaun or a unicorn or something.

Also, from your comments about not wanting to start over, or not wanting to just fly home after this, it sounds like you don’t want to break up because then you would have ‘wasted’ two years or wasted all your time in the US on him rather than on someone else that would have married you.

Post # 67
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

OP, please take what PPs have posted about your relationship into consideration. Most, if not all bees have stated that your relationship sounds unhappy and unhealthy. Your OP on this post, as well as your previous posts on this website paint your relationship to be an extremely uncomfortable and unhealthy one. As PPs have stated, I reccomend that you do not go through with marriage with this man. It truly does not sound like he cares about your wellbeing and opinions.

Honestly, even if he were to marry you, what would the marriage look like? Would it even be called/considered a marriage? Would he take the marriage seriously? Would he grow to resent you for forcing him into a marriage? Would he even be excited about the marriage? 

All in all, I suggest you earn your citizenship to this country on your own accord if you truly want to stay. I don’t suggest that you continue on in this relationship though. 

Post # 68
Member
1792 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Why do you come here for advice and then argue with (literally) a unanimous opinion?? We’ve told you it’s manipulative, a bad idea, and that this relationship isn’t going to work. Our answers aren’t going to change, especially considering it sounds worse with every update you give. Stop grasping at straws and searching for stories where it all worked out. Break up with this guy. 

Post # 69
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’ve read your other posts and this relationship is not healthy. Does he want you to stay for you or because your convenient? It doesnt sound like he respects you. I’d run if I were you. 

Post # 70
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee

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clarissabee: So what are you going to do if he says, “Okay, off you go then, farewell”?

Post # 71
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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clarissabee:  

You said this to futuremrsc2016  “Wow, in some ways he reminds me a lot of my SO. We also don’t have any joint accounts. He is not greedy with his money, but I have brought up getting a joint account and he has refused.” And you could see that she deserved better. So do you.

This man doesn’t WANT to marry you. He may do it but he will never have WANTED to marry you. Do you want to live a life knowing you tricked, manipulated and lied your way into marriage. That isn’t love.

Frankly this relationship sounds awful. You sound like roommates not partners. I see no way that this will end well. You deserve to be with someone who loves you. This man clearly doesn’t.

 

Post # 72
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

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missmagpie:  that is so very true. I learned the hard way. Learn from my mistake. Don’t do it. If mine reminded you of yours in anyway, run. As fast as you can. Because it won’t get better. 

what would you do if he did marry you for those reasons and it was ever investigated and be cracked and told them why you got married? I don’t know all the legalities of it but he might let it slip and it would probably be declared null and void (again, I don’t know the legalitlies so no one judge me on that). But why do you want to marry someone who clearly doesn’t want to marry you? He would do nothing but remind you of that forever. You have a fight “you wanted this” or “well you’re the one who made me marry you”. It’s horrible hearing those words. 

Post # 73
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

How is it “mean” to move on with your life becuase someone doesnt want to marry you?…. It would be stupid not to.

Post # 74
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I say go forward with the ultimatum school transfer. I have a feeling this will be the one time he’s willing to help you…….

…..help you pack your bags.

This is such a one-sided relationship. He treats you like a roommate. I doubt threatening him will change that.

Post # 75
Member
4509 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

This is childish.  The man does not want to marry you, there is no future.  Start making REAL plans without him.

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