(Closed) A little sad to change last name?

posted 10 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I haven’t had to do it yet, but I am kind of sad about it. I also have a long, difficult to spell maiden name, and so hyphenation would leave me with 6 syllables. It’s just such a huge part of my identity. I love my family and my heritage and I do (although illogically) feel like I’m losing some of that by changing my name. But at the same time, I want to have the same last name as my husband and children. I suppose it will bother me less with time. You’re not alone though!

Post # 4
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Honestly, I was going through the same withdrawals so I’m not going to change my last name.  I’m just going to leave it the way it is and when we have children, they will have his last name.  I just coudn’t bare changing the last name that I was born with. 

Post # 5
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I understand too!  I’m quite attached to my last name, as well as my family, which is why I am adamant that I will keep it as a middle name.  Obviously, I had the option of just not changing at all, but I also found it important to have the same last name as my husband and future children.  I won’t be married for another couple of months, so I’m not sure how it will feel when I actually do it, but I have to say I’m kind of excited.  But I completely relate to that feeling of missing your old last name.  For me, it’s enough that I’m keeping it as my middle name.  And just changing what I call myself doesn’t change the fact that I am still a [oldlast].

Post # 6
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

First of all, Congratulations! I’m sure you’re glad the craziness is over! What you are experiencing is very normal from what I’ve seen! Names are a big part of our identity. This topic has come up a couple of times since I’ve been on this board. One bee even blogged about it. If you have good relations with you family then it can feel like a separation from them and from your ancestory. It’s really sad (IMHO) that we ask women in our society to break that connection with thier heritage (without asking the same of our men). I don’t have the magic formula for how to fix this, I went the traditional route and changed my name too. However, I do not have a good relationship with my dad and was more than happy to give up his name. But is still hard for me sometimes. It’s hard for me to not have the same name as my mom and brothers who I love very much! I don’t think your feelings reflect at all on your excitiment about starting your new life with your husband. And I think the fact that you and other women are able to express this grief is sooo good! If I were you, I might do something to commemorate your transition. Maybe make a book online of pictures of your family and stories about your connection to your old name. It would make a wonderful keepsake for your children especially if someone down the line decides to trace back their heritage.

But know that you’re not alone. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Why do you feel you have to change your last name?  I’m getting married and I amkeeping mine.

 

  When my Fiance asked why I did not want to change my name, I simply replied, "Well, if you want matching last names I would be ecstatic if you took mine." 

 

   He hasn’t asked since. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

 I don’t think just because you’re female you should have to give up something that is special to you.  Congratulations on you wedding though ๐Ÿ™‚ 

 

    

Post # 8
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree Maureen!   I didn’t feel like I had to change my identity when i got married.  The only reason why my mom changed her last name as because when they first escaped our homeland during the war, it was just easier to have the paperwork with the same last name.  I reallly love my dad a lot and it just didn’t make sense for me to change my last name. 

Post # 9
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

me too.

im in the middle of changing it now.

i guess i’m traditional at heart – but still a little sad about it anyhow. 

Post # 10
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I actually don’t feel like I "have to" change my name.  When the topic came up, my Fiance simply said that he assumed I wouldn’t.  However, I think I would like to – at least for social use – and it seems that the simplest thing in that case is to keep my last name and add his; that way my original last name still appears on professional documents and resumes and such.  It took me a lot of thinking to decide that it really is something I want to do – but I still think it will be a little sad.  Kind of the way that moving away from a house or apartment where you’ve been very happy is a little sad, even if you’re moving on to a better place, or the way that leaving your colleagues is kind of sad even when you’re going to a good job that is a logical career progression, and where you know you’ll be happy.  You have the right to feel a little sad about it.  The solution is not to change your mind about changing your name – which is as valid an option as not changing your name – but to recognize that sadness is often part of change, and it’s okay.

I’m sure I’ll screw up and continue to answer the phone at work, and sign my checks and credit card slips with my original name for months!

Post # 11
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

We just recently decided that we are both going to change our middle names to my last name and take his last name as our last name. It would be way too long to hyphenate, but we both love our families (and each other’s families) so much that we want to feel connected to both. I’m so excited because I think we’re both going to feel a lot more connected to each other by having a little part of the other one’s name. 

There seems to be so many different styles of name changing and non-name changing going on in new marriages. As a feminist, I used to think I would die before I would take a man’s name, but I’ve now realized that having the choice to do whatever we want with our names is really what equality is all about.

Post # 12
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I couldn’t have said it better myself thriftsiren!!! My friend, who is a women’s study student like myself, has a motto that I LOVE. She says, "Feminism was intended to expand our choices not restrict them!" And I love how you both took each others name in a way. It is awesome to see how many options people have now a days.

Post # 13
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

right on thriftsiren! that is a great way to look at it. i think what you and your husbandtobe made a great choice. i have a feeling a lot more couples will go the same route.

Post # 14
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I totally feel your pain.

Okay, so I was at the pharmacy picking up a prescription that is listed under my maiden name and started to say, as I have for many years, that “I can guarantee I’m the only S*****a in your system…”… but then had to stop myself, because my new name, my married name, is not as unique as my maiden name. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I mean I can’t even get a normal gmail account with my new last name. The combinations that it comes with are egregious.

There’s 258 people with my married name (first + newlast) on facebook. Two hundred fifty-eight. Yeah. Two hundred fifty-eight Michelle B******’s in the country registered on facebook. Ick. There’s like 168 or something on myspace. There’s a marketing specialist, an online how-to/what to do & not to do writer (what shoes to wear for a job interview, what exactly is a duvet?, on hubs, e-zing, helium, about, etc), an anesthesiologist (who is published but not the same one as the writer), a business consultant (like I know what that is??), a widow of a soldier killed in Iraq (they eloped- they were smart), a techie blogger, a elementary teacher, a red cross volunteer, a college professor, a student loan financer (loan offier- collegiate funding services), and this list goes on.

There’s even one that has her resume posted on a .net version of our name. Well, now what am I supposed to do when I graduate grad school??? She totally stole my domain!

There are only a few other people with my maiden last name on facebook… lol and I know I’m related in some way to them on my father’s side. But one thing I loved… that there were none with my whole name- I was the only Michelle S*****a in the country. I know this for a fact.

Before the wedding, I was really adament about not changing my name… I felt like I was giving up my identity. I knew I was unique- my name said it all.

Then there was St Patrick’s day (before) dinner & I had gotten into a discussion about not changing my name with the elders of my family (my mother’s siblings) and they stated that I was being disrespectful to my husband by not changing my name, that I was keeping one foot out the door at all times. Which I didn’t think at all… I just thought I was keeping my identity.

Then two days before the wedding, people kept asking what my new name would be and I would reply, oh its still going to be Michelle S*****a… oh the LOOKS I GOT! OH MY! I got all the feminazi talks and I’m like ummm… I’m not doing it for the feminism thing. I’m doing it because I’ve earned degrees with this name. It’s unique (hard to say but still unique nonetheless).

Then came the wedding, where we were announced (all traditional and all) Mr & Mrs B*****… three times. And I’m just like okay so this is it.

And then we get back to our room, and now hubby is all buzzed from the party, so I ask him, “do you want me to change my name, or does it really, really not matter to you?”

He replies- “well if I had my way- but no pressure- I would have you change it…” Then he continues… “I know it is a pain in the butt, your license, social security card, passport, credit cards, bank accounts, life insurance policies, medical insurance policy, car insurance policy, doctors offices… there’s a lot to do, but yes, I would want you to change it, if you want to.” So yes, he’s been thinking about it, and really does care.

So I agreed.

No hyphen. No ‘old middle’ ‘old last’ then new last… I’m not giving up my middle name, it’s pretty. I kind of need my maiden until I get all of my credit cards switched over. So when I went to the DMV to get a new drivers license, I asked to just add my old last to my middle names (you know like those people with five names) and married last is the official legal last.

But I still feel like I’m giving something up. It’s weird.

Post # 15
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Wow sorry so long… I rambled.

Post # 16
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It may sound bad, but after thinking about it I’m not sad.  It sucks becaue in my family my last name is going to die after my sister and I unless we keep it and have sons that we pass our last name onto.  She has a baby on the way and I know she won’t give it her last name and I’m changing my name when I get married in a couple months.  Then, I thought about it.  I don’t really care, there is nothing special that ties me to my old last name.  I’m not close to anyone on my dad’s side of the family, including my loser for a father.  So, I’m glad, happy actually, I get to start over with a nice, new, fresh name.  And I get to close end on of the not so great chapters of my life to start something new with my very best friend and my new name.

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