(Closed) A little upset

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

WOW! We’ve been going through pretty much the same thing.

We finally came to the conclusion that we’d have a wedding, a big wedding, mind you we decide this while driving to city hall to get married.  He realised it really wasnt what i had my heart set on, (like any little girl) so yup, we came up with waiting another year saaving some money and still working on having the wedding on a budget.

Talk to him about it.  I know you said you did, but try again.  If it is, dont have an extravagant wedding, have something low key, or a daytime wedding, there are many ways around it- and it can still be beautiful.

Dont worry, it’ll be fine. My fiance is still worried aout the money, but now that I see it being spent I’m a lot more worried about where its going too, and Im being a lot more careful, (at least Im trying to be).

Just try to relax and talk things over, if it really is all up to you, see what you can do with that $10000.

Dont worry itll be fine.

 

Post # 5
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

Ouch, I would be hurt by that reaction too…

Honestly, my guess is that it was mostly sticker shock, since you mentioned he had no idea how much wedding’s cost…He may have just been freaking out without realizing how much he was hurting you…

Maybe you guys could sit down together, look at weddings online and see what things he likes and then figure out how much it will cost? That way, he’s more invested in the whole idea and has a sense of ownership about the wedding, so it’s not just something you planned and he just shows up to…

Also, can either of your parents contribute? That could help the cost factor considerably…

 

Post # 6
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

I think, honestly, a lot of guys just don’t attach the same importance to the wedding itself as us women do.  Of course once he’s there he’ll enjoy it and have fun but he probably hasn’t thought much about it over his life and so he’s very flexible about the details.  Most guys seem to be happy if the wedding happens with as little stress as possible, everyone shows up, and the food is good lol.  I think you just need to keep that in mind when you talk to him and point out that while it might not be as important to him, it’s important to YOU and so you want to talk about what sort of budget you can work with that you’re both comfortable with.

You said there’s not a lot of venue options there, and I know that can be a big chunk of the money.  Maybe if you show him estimates of cost for that, then he’ll understand that it just plain isn’t cheap!  He probably still won’t be happy about how expensive weddings are but he might be more willing to work with you.

Post # 8
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Get some quotes and put it all on paper before you make any decisions.

We have a tentative venue right now.  (Which means its booked without a deposit but if someone else wants it we have 24 hours to make up our minds and give the deposit.) We are getting quotes from caterers, decorators, dj’s, etc.  Trying to get the actual cost together to see where we can cut and where we are willing to cut.

Think of having a buffet style…you can get the higher end menu but save on the service.  Well, that was my idea and my fiance isnt willing on that one (It’s a thought.  I wasnt even considering it at first and now I thinkits a good idea).

You can keep the decor simple, have some fake plants here and there, look into renting plants, maybe even buying and reselling other things…

 

Post # 9
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I really think that with that size of a guest list you can put together a lovely wedding.

Post # 10
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I don’t know if you’re not working by choice or in between jobs, but if money is an issue, have you considered getting a PT job?  You mentioned traveling with him, so maybe you could look into some sort of freelance work?  If you guys are comfortable living on just his salary, everything you make can go directly to the wedding.

 

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If he’s not comfortable spending the money, you can’t really make him. You should sit down with him and explain WHY weddings are expensive and what can be cut out (a videographer, a cheaper cake, etc) to come up with a budget.

It’s his salary, so he has to be ok with it. We paid for the wedding with mostly my husband’s money and he had to OK the money stuff. I sat down with him and we talked about money. It’s just a necessary evil. No matter what *I* wanted, he had to be ok with it, so I showed him where I’d cut back and sometimes he said, ‘ok you’re being too tacky/cheap’ and sometimes he’d say, ‘oh that’s good, i like that’.

Once i started my job I started to pay for more stuff. I hate to say it, but it’s important to you, however, you’re not bringing home any bacon, which puts you in an awkward situation to ask for a nice wedding if your SO thinks it’s too much money. Sorry, I don’t know how to phrase that more tactfully. Here is some perspective: I work and my husband is home right now from the military, looking for a job. If he were to ask for what I considered to be too much money, I’d have a tendency to say no and be like, “if you want it, you can start working”. Like, I know he wants a big television. Well I don’t have $3500. Sure i may make that in a month but that doesn’t mean I see it as a feasible expense right now b/c we’re both thinking about the future. But if he got a job and saved up, then he could buy it and I couldn’t say squat. He’s not working, therefore my husband has less input on the household finances. We both realize this. The person making the money usually has a better grasp on household finances. I pay all the bills and know what everything costs. I had to physically show Darling Husband our bills once in a spreadhseet and say, “here’s where my money goes” because while I make a good salary, it isn’t exactly cheap to put a house over 2 peoples’ heads and put some away for savings. It helped him better understand where I come from when I’m hesistant to spend money going out to dinner or stuff like that. He helps out around the house but I want him to be conscious of the money coming in, too. 

Sticker shock is a huge problem. 10K is a lot of money to people. Even if you hvae it in savings, maybe he’s got his eye on a house or a new car, right? Makes perfect sense to me.

IMO, if you want the dream wedding, it’d probably be good if you could contribute some with a part time job. It’ll take the sting out of it for your SO and you’ll be able to get what you want without feeling like you have to ask/beg/plead for money. It’ll cut down on money fights, too, if you’re chipping in. It’s easy for the person making all the payments to feel taken advantage of. Sometimes i get crabby that Darling Husband gets to sleep in, watch tv, and bum around the house. But when I come home to a spotless house and he did all the errands, I feel like he’s doing his part, too and not taking advantage of me. I feel the same way when he buys the groceries on sale or goes to the cheaper grocery store, too.

Post # 12
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

ejs,

You make some good points but it’s important to remember that not everyone’s relationships work like that.  For example some couples may have come to the explicit decision and agreement that one spouse does not work, permanantly or temporary and the other spouse covers all the expenses.  I think when this has been agreed to and desired by both peope the person bringing in the money does not get the bigger say in how it is spent.  Unless that was agreed to.  When due to circumstances someone agrees to be supported by someone who wants to support them I don’t think they agree to having no control over the money, that is not one of the sacrifices that you make, – once you’re married especially, you have a claim on 50% of the pay check.  So for some couples the dynamic you describe is true and for others, no matter who is bringing in what money, it’s all ours

Post # 13
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you could do a very nice wedding for $10,000. That is our budget, although I am trying very hard to keep it lower. I think sitting down and planning where your $10,000 will go will help him so exactly what it is going to cost.

I also agree that if you get a PT job maybe he would feel less pressure. I think it would be really stressful knowing that I am mainly responsible to pay for an entire wedding, besides the money your Dad is giving you. Realistically I think you guys could have a really nice even with the money you have already.

Post # 14
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m just saying it’d be easier for the OP to have the dream wedding she wants if she picked up a part time job, too. And if her SO says, “it’s too much money”….what can she do? She has no recourse. It’s just easier to have the things you want in life if you have some income, also. I know Darling Husband wouldn’t run out and buy me a $300 purse because I wanted it. But if i was working, he sees that as me spending some of ‘my’ money, versus spending ‘our’ money on something not quite necessary.

Paying for the wedding has to be a joint decision. If he’s not on board, she can’t spend it anyways, ya know?

And, it IS stressful to be the only one working and paying all the bills. I can completely understand her Fiance not wanting to cough up 10K for a wedding. Especially if he wants to buy a house! Maybe they can compromise around 8K or 7K. You can still have a nice wedding for under 10K!

 

 

Post # 16
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

ejs,

That is not necessarily true.  It’s true for you and your relationship and for lots of other people I’m sure.  However I see the money my Fiance earns, the money I earn and the money we have exactly the same way.  I’m just as likely to buy that 300 dollar purse or argue for or against that big screen TV.  Him getting a job to pay for something he wanted would have zero affect on how I viewed it was for/against it except insofar as my concern was that we didn’t have enough money and our now we had more.  Not everyone is like me but what I’m saying is that not everyone is like you.  I see my partner as having exactly the same rights to the money I earn as I do.  And yes absolutely he has every right to spend it on anything frivolous he might want. 

Realisticly for a wedding to happen both partners have to agree, no matter whose money is used. 

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