(Closed) A little venting… just relationship stuff.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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paxie:  Oh. Sorry. It’s difficult to tell what is serious and what is a joke here. Good luck.

Post # 33
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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paxie:  My only concern is that he is a real people pleaser and ‘dont rock the boat’ kind of a guy. DH is a reformed PP/DRTB person. He got into his first marriage because he didn’t have the ability to say NO and it was easier to just marry her than rock the boat. Luckily (for me), he realized the error of his ways and divorced her. By the time I got him, he was comfortable standing up for himself.

My good friend is currently going through a divorce with a guy who is also a PP/DRTB guy. He agreed to buy a house in  neighborhood he didnt like (even after numerous conversation where he agreed to it) and has never actually said it, but in his action, kinda regreted having their child. Again, they talked about it a lot, and he agreed to it. But looking back on it, he just couldn’t stand up for himself and his opinions. It was easier to cave than be honest (to himself). 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this dynamic of one person who is the PP/DRTB, goes along with whatever the other person whats and either 1) spends all their energy acting out in really passive-agressive ways or 2) waking up suddenly, realize they dont want to be there and blowing up their lives (moving out suddenly or taking up with an inappropriate girlfriend).

Please think twice about being with someone who cant stand up for themselves with ALL the people in their life!

Post # 35
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’d love to know how he manages to work 180 hours a week, given that there are only 168 of them normally.

Post # 36
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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paxie:  My friend’s ex-husband also promised to always be honest. They had lots of conversations where my friend told him to be honest, even if she didn’t like it. He always said he would. The decision to have a baby wasn’t overnight. There were many, many conversations about it (my friend was wrapping her head around never having another child–she had one from a previous relationship). When suddenly, he agreed to have a baby. She was like “are you sure, like super sure?” He said, yes, yes, yes. 

Looking back, my friend realizes that he really didnt want to have a kid, but was doing to make her happy.

People like my friend’s ex and potentially your SO are hard to deal with because 1)of course they will tell you they will always be honest. They are people pleasers, of course they will agree to that. Some of the time they know they dont agree with you, but will just to not rock the boat. They know they promised, but somehow it is ‘more loving’ in their eyes to give you what you want. 2)the scariest part of dealing with these people is they are so used to agreeing with everyone else, they dont even know their own feelings. So they agree with you thinking that they really do feel that way. It takes the addition of many, many small (and some large) decisions for them to finally realize that  they arent happy. They cant be honest with you, because they arent honest with themselves. 

Post # 38
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

Please elaborate on why this relationship has been so secret!  I just don’t get why when two grown adults meet someone they think might be important to them then they don’t just bring it up next time they talk to their nearest and dearest.

Post # 40
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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paxie:  You explain your hesitation to tell your family about him but why was he so hesitant to share anything with his family?

Also, despite your family not being supportive. It still makes no sense why this was a secret.. 

Post # 41
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

How can it be love at first sight if you haven’t actually met him?

Post # 42
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Didn’t you meet online? Is that stil socially  unacceptable?

Post # 43
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

Did I just read an excerpt from Bridget Jones’ diary? I’m sorry but this is too difficult! The beginning stages of a GOOD relationship should be EASY. I also can’t for the life of me, figure out why anyone would take such a risk. It’s hard enough dating at home and trying to figure out legitimacy and compatibility. Just, no. Good luck, OP.

Post # 44
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

Something smells here and it isn’t the Vegemite…

You were probably doing okay on believability until you threw in that little pearl choker touch…also, your tags were perfect-confusing, exhaustion, overwork, wtf…all emotions I experienced as I read your trainwreck of a post.

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