(Closed) a little worried and kinda upset and maybe paranoid…long!!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Ugh I am sorry that sucks!

For me personally I would be bothered. Not that what occurred was a big deal but it is beyond my level of comfort and only you can know if it is beyond your level of comfort.

The part that really bothers me is how protective he is being with his phone and he is concerned with what you are doing with it when you pick it up. I associate this type of defensiveness with him trying to hide something.

If it were me in this situation I would definitely bring it up with him while he is home. I would want to put everything out in the open so that I didn’t have any residual jealousy when he goes away again.

Post # 4
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I’m so sorry! I’d be bothered too, but I have to admit that I am the jealous type.

I’d talk to him about it while he’s still home – it’s going to keep bothering you and it will probably just cause problems if you don’t let him know how you’re feeling. It would suck to be miserable and worrying about it once he leaves again!

Post # 5
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008


I might be crazy.. but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking through you SO phone. New boyfriend/girlfriend? Of course it’s a no no. But long term partner I’ve never understood what the big deal was. Maybe it’s because I live a fairly boring existence 🙂

   I would talk to your fiance about how you feel. Sometimes it bothers me when women blame the “other woman.” If this girl can take him from you, she’s doing you a favor because he didn’t deserve you in the first place 🙂 I really don’t think he cheated on you, but you probably should talk to him to peace of mind and so he knows where you stand. It will probably make you feel better.

  It is a little odd he was protective of his phone- it just makes me think maybe he was flirting slightly and didn’t want you to know (but if he was.. why wouldn;t he just delete the text messages?). I, too, am the jealous type. But I’ve never had a problem like this with my husband. Talk to him. Even if it turns into an argument, it’s better to have it out in the open and resolved vs festering inside you.

Post # 6
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I REALLY don’t think he would be cheating on you. Guys are smart and (not to scaree you) but if he cheated on you he would’ve deleted the text messages and not have let you get near his phone. Guys get super protective and paranoid when they are guilty. PLUS he chose you. your the one he wants otherwise he wouldnt have proposed.

BUT i would say something. My Fiance has definitely been in this same situation and i confronted him about it like this. “okay, let me start by apologizing for sticking my nose where it doesnt belong, but I saw some things that I am concerned about” Make it clear your not MAD, but just concerned with that him talking in that manner with another woman. When i confronted Fiance about it he apologized a million times because he honestly didnt realize the way it sounded/looked from an outside perspective and he also didnt realize it would make me uncomfortable.

I think its best to lay it all out there. I think he will respect you for coming to him with your concerns in a mature manner and then its just better for both of you! Best of luck!

Post # 7
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Don’t beat yourself up about checking his phone. Its a natural instict if you (anyone in general) have a gut feeling. Remember to always go with your gut not against it.  I think what the girls have already said above is correct – – talk with FH, communicate communicate communicate no matter what the topic or subject is.  Bottom line, they’re your feelings and they aren’t settling – lets get them settled, easy peasy Laughing

Post # 8
7776 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have to say that I disagree with what AlmostMrs.Hamilton said. Guys do not always think to delete messages. They don’t. I’ve had a situation in the past where the texts were there, I found them and they were him cheating on me.

I am NOT saying that this is what is happening. What I found was on a WHOLE other level than what you found. I have to say that in the end, I did not feel guilty at all checking his phone.

That being said, I would be bothered too. I agree that you should talk to him about it. If it is something that bothers you, keeping it to yourself is not going to make it better.

Post # 9
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would definitely be bothered and upset. Your FH has no business having conversations like that with other women (re: “hey hot stuff” — regardless of whether she wrote it or he did, it is inappropriate IMO). You definitely need to bring it up to him, otherwise you will be worrying about it (for good reason) and harboring fear or resentment against him. Maybe the two of you should have a talk about what is “cheating”. It varies for everybody but what matters most is that you are comfortable in your relationship and you know how to respect eachother’s boundaries.

Post # 10
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Awww girl, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ll just go out and say that it sucks! I’ve been there and wouldn’t ever want to go back to that. First off, you have to realize that what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. But in order to get peace of mind, you’re gonna have to set a few boundries. First you have to ask yourself what you find inappropriate, then communicate your thoughts and feelings with him. If he agrees, then all is good, and if he doesn’t, then a compromise needs to be made because it’s NOT alright to be feeling the way you do, and it’s not just about the distance – it’s about that skank that keeps txting him and him allowing it.

I know you probably don’t want to seem like a jealous fiance, but setting boundries isn’t about jealousy – it’s about respect and love for each other.

I do have to say that I don’t like the fact that he’s been reacting to you picking up his phone. He knows there’s things on there you wouldn’t be happy to read … and after reading it, what gf/fiance would be happy?

I hope you work things out, but keeping “cool” and bottling it all up won’t help anyone. You gotta talk to him. *HUGS*

Post # 11
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Blah! some girls are just like that especially when they know the guys taken! If you have been together for awhile maybe the attention is nice from someone else…Im sure it was harmless on his end but you need to make sure you let him no this is not okay because if you sit back and avoid the situation it could lead to worse.

Im sorry you had to deal with that im sure it hurt you…

Post # 12
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It all looks pretty innocent to me, to be honest, and I don’t agree with the previous posters so please don’t take this the wrong way.

I have done long-distance (am doing it still) and you absolutely have to trust your partner or it sits there and eats away at you. I have also been on the wrong end of a jealous relationship and I left because, again, the little accusations and mistrust that were inherent kept eating away at me. I didn’t like that he got jealous when I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and over time that resentment simmered. I would be concerned that your fiancee might begin to feel that way if this becomes a regular occurence.

If you are really uncomfortable with it then you should definitely talk to him about it, but I would definitely preface it by reiterating that you trust him, and be prepared for some resentment on his part. I think you have got the trust there and were just surprised and maybe made a little insecure by not seeing him for so long. It sucks but it happens and it is something we just have to deal with. I really do think you are going to be just fine.

Post # 13
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I wanted to add he shouldn’t be allowing other women to talk to him like that (and I meant to say that but for some reason did not). I don’t think it’s the other woman’s fault- he is your partner and he should take control of the situation.  I’m guessing he’s in some sort of medical program- he should be conducting himself like a professional, especially with the opposite sex.

   At my husband’s job (military) he says there are some women who will act like that and then prosecute sexual harassment. I hated hearing him say that (as a woman it’s offensive) but I’ve seen it happen.

   Your issue should be with him, not her. You’re not marrying her.

  *lots of hugs*

Post # 14
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m going to disagree with other posters. Don’t look at his messages on his phone again. And you must trust him.

You can’t help your feelings, so I am only sending you sympathy for the way you feel. It sucks to have that feeling. But you have to find better ways of dealing with it than snooping and worrying about really pretty innocent texts.

I think in this situation you should probably talk to Fiance about what you are comfortable with in him living with other women. If you would prefer that he not be so friendly, you have to tell him that. You are entirely entitled to your feelings, but it is your job to communicate them to him, and then trust him that he will honor them.

Post # 15
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Just to throw out a different perspective on the girl–I could see myself saying most of those things, to a guy who was taken, and meaning absolutely nothing by it. I guess in my mind, he might be a “safe” one to joke/flirt with (not real flirt, just playing around) because he is taken and thus wouldn’t be expecting anything to come of it. I also know that I would mean nothing by it, so it probably wouldn’t occur to me that a there might be a GF/FI/DW who didn’t get that it was all done as innocent joking. On the flip side, I wouldn’t really care if roles were reversed and this were my Fiance. Unless given any indications to the contrary, I would trust that it was just innocent joking around.

Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there to offer a different perspective on the girls behavior–not to say that she is necessarily innocent, but to offer the possibilty that she might be.

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