(Closed) A major hurdle to overcome before marriage…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8678 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Whilst I think he needs to be supportive of you in this time, ultimately this is not an obstacle that both of you need to over come this is an obstacle that you need to overcome. What you are experiencing is not a normal reaction to sexual activity with someone you love.

You need to go to counselling and try and work out the issues you are having.

Post # 4
986 posts
Busy bee

I completely agree with J Jaye.  Are you in college?  Most schools have counselling centers which are free to students.  I’m really sorry you’re going through this 🙁 Please don’t be afraid to get outside help though!

Post # 5
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Have you experienced some kind of trauma that makes you feel this way towards sexual intimacy?

Otherwise, this seems like you don’t trust him, honestly.

You don’t trust that he genuinely cares about you on an emotional and spiritual (and I don’t necessarily mean religious) level, so react in an angry manner. You say in the beginning of your relationship, sex was easy. What has changed? Obviously the emotional dynamic has changed.

Women find it extremely hard in general to give sexually if they do not feel loved (this is in the context of a relationship). Has he stopped complimenting you? Holding your hand? Do you feel as if he does not care about your feelings and your life? Are you fighting in other areas of your relationship? Or, are you experiencing health issues yourself? Sexual issues like this do not just “happen”; they tend to develop overtime because needs of some sort are going unmet and resentment begins to build until it surfaces.

I would suggest thinking long and hard about your relationship and yourself and seeing what areas are possibly bothering you, because like PPs said, this is not normal. Ask your Boyfriend or Best Friend if he thinks there are other areas of your relationship that have changed besides the sexual aspect. If all else fails, I would suggest individual counseling as well.

Post # 6
26 posts
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hi there…I’m so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time with intimacy.  Sex is something that should be fun and you should feel good about being that close with your loving partner.  Is this something that he is understand of and willing to discuss with you?  It sounds like you might need a 3rd party to help you understand why this is happening.  I would suggest speaking with your doctor or a counsellor and you can either go alone, or with your partner if he’s supportive in assisting you through this.  There is definitely something going on that needs to be resolved.  You do not need to suffer through this.  Sometimes an aversion to sex is a sign that something else in the relationship is suffering, even if you might not think so.  I was very young when I got married the first time – 19 in fact – and my husband was my first.  For me, at first it was all about exploration and finding out what sex was all about.  After a while, I didn’t really care for it and did it because, well, why not?  Years later (we are no longer together) I learned that it was the lack of an emotional connection between us that was making for such a lacking sex life.  It wasn’t the sex at all that was bad – it was just that at some point the emotional connection got lost and we just ended up going through the motions.  I am now about to get married to someone I have an incredible emotional connection with and our sex life is amazing.  And we’ve been together 10 years so I can honestly say that with a postive emotional connection between the two of us, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. 

At 20, you are still so young, exploring your sexuality, figuring out who you are, what makes you tick, etc.  And while your partner may be incredibly sensitive and understanding (you didn’t say how he is handling this), I think it would be unrealistic to expect such a young man to know how to handle this when he’s doing the same thing you are – figuring himself out.  I’m not saying he wouldn’t be supportive – I’m just saying that at that age, he is really only equipped to help you out so much. 

I would say it might be a good idea to consider counselling to get to the bottom of it.  Your relationship (this one – or any other future relationship) is definitely worth doing it for.  You’ve already made the first step in recognizing there is something going on and seeking help here hoping to find answers.

I wish you luck.

Post # 7
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree that counseling might be the best option. Have you had a bad experience in the past (even as a child) that may be bringing up some kind of suppressed emotions? I’d seek counseling as a couple or just on your own to work through this. Could the guilt you are feeling be religion related? Is it because you are not yet married?

Rest assured, he does not look at you as an object. He is not using you or expecting a “reward” for good behavior. If that were the case it would have only been a one night stand type of thing. He obviously loves you and wants to express that love with you in the most basic, physical way. Remind yourself it’s just natural and IT IS OK!


Post # 8
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Yes I agree with the above posters. You need to work with a counselor to find out what your hang ups are. Don’t be afraid that only crazy people go to a psychologist, many of us have been there for support during life issues. Sometimes just talking about the issue has a way of releasing some of the burden.

Post # 10
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I am so sorry! It sounds like you were traumatized in some way? What happened in the last 2 1/2 years that flipped this switch? I agree with PPs, this is your issue. I would seriously get help as soon as possible because it sounds like it’s getting worse, not better.

Post # 11
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

It seems like either something traumatic happened in your life or something changed in your relationship.  Are there any things you can think of that are different?  Have you changed birth controls?

Post # 12
8678 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Meglin:  look at it this way- spending $90 a few times over to have a healthy sex life and relationship or not spend the money and be miserable for the rest of your life due to the unresolved problem. Problems like these do not generally get better on their own.

The money spent on counselling is an investment in your health and wellbeing.


Post # 13
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have experienced something similer. I had issues with anxiety before I met him. Sometimes when he held me or kissed me I freaked out and then got angry at myself at freaking out and then got angry at him.

Two years ago we decided to have sex. And it through me around emotionally. I too gave sex as a reward and feld used afterward. After a month we decided that it was messing me up emotionally too much. So we stopped and I sought help from counsellors, doctors and psychologists. It helped a lot.

Over all I am in much better control now then I was two years ago. I still have bad days but they are not frequent and I know I can get back in control so I am not as scared. I can hug him and he can kiss me without me freking out most of the time (when I’m really tired or pre upset it’s another story). We decided to wait for marriage for sex but I believe that I will be able to handle it this time. 

I really encourage getting help. It can take a long time and it can be frustrating but know it can be done. 

If finances are a problem, two cheap things I did that really help regulate mood was stopped eating sugar and gluten that alone made a world or difference even before I started couselling and other treatments.

Post # 16
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I went through the same thing a few years back. 

I went to a therapist for a few months and realized it stemmed from my PTSD, stress and anxiety. I was put on Celexa for depression and anxiety and I felt better after a month, I stayed on it for a year and sought help from my church since I am Christian, and was able to balance my personal and religious aspects of my life that I have become comfortable with sex again. 

My fiance’ and I currently do not have sex right now because I am so severely anemic that I could literally pass out from the physical stress it would put my body. However, I am steadily becoming healthier and we’ve decided to wait until after we’re married to pick up sex again since it doesn’t play that big of a role in our lives right now for a multitude of reasons at this point. 

Taking a break is good, talking to him about this is good, do research on your part about anxiety and sex, depression and sex, and seriously….I know it isn’t easy, nor cheap to talk to a therapist but go to Planned Parenthood, they have services that they could give you on this matter, most of them are free too (They have free therapy sessions). They also helped me to getting back on track of being able to accept having sex again. 

Sex is a healthy, loving act and should be fun, and if you aren’t having fun, then yes, it is time to reach out to a professional and get this dealt with. 

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