- 5 years ago
- Wedding: February 2017
I’ve been following and all the boards for quite some time, but I’ve never registered until now. I should perhaps include a disclosure that my issues regard sex.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we have been discussing marriage lately. We are both 20 and our families have been friends since we were 8, so he’s been in my life for almost as long as I can remember. No proposal has been given yet, but I am fine with waiting as long as we need. He seems ready and excited to get moving towards marriage, but I feel that there is a major hurdle we must cross first.
Sex and intimacy are very, very, very difficult for me. We are each other’s only partners and have explored/learned everything from just each other (which I wouldn’t change for the world), but as our relationship grows, the sex becomes more traumatic and infrequent. If he kisses me too hard or tries to make out with me, I start to freak out and get angry, and assume he is only making those advances because he wants sex. I start to worry he sees me as nothing more than an object to satisfy his desires. He has never done anything to make me assume this and is always very understanding when I start to get angry, but my mind always makes me shut down and get angry.
It was much easier for us to have sex earlier in our relationship, but I would say in the last 2 or 2 1/2 years, it has become excruciatingly difficult. We might have sex once every 4-6 weeks, but being only 20 years old, I feel like it shouldn’t be this much of an ordeal for us to have it more.
I don’t think that my feelings are due to my dislike of the action of sex; I do enjoy it, and I am able to achieve orgasm, but the emotional side of sex is what freaks me out.
I had the worst break-down I’ve had yet a few days ago. He started to kiss me as we were going to bed, and even though I started to freak out, I felt bad that we hadn’t done it in a long time and felt bad since he had taken me out on a lovely date the night before. I felt like I owed him something, so I did it. But right after, I began to cry uncontrollably for a good half hour. I didn’t want him to touch me and felt like I was used and disgusting. I felt awful for using my body as a ‘reward’ for how great of a person he is, even though I didn’t want it.
I left the next morning and won’t see him until tomorrow night. We’ve hardly spoken because I don’t know what to say. It isn’t unusual for me to cry, as I usually do, but this breakdown was worse than others. He is always confused, and this time is no different.
I feel that there is no way we can even consider marriage anymore without overcoming this obstacle, but I have no idea how to. Every other aspect of our relationship is fine; we have great communication and I try to explain the same things I’ve written here to him, but we have no idea how to solve the problem.
Experienced females, please help! How on earth do I overcome this awful hurdle? I feel like it is putting a huge divide in our relationship, and I do want to marry him one day, but not until we figure this out.