Post # 1
Going annon for this.
When I was in university I had a placement at a firm and ended up having an affair with a married man. I knew he was married, but I was young and naive and I thought I was in love.
Fast forward almost 15 years. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and despite polar opposite personalities we are quite happy. I have not thought of this man in years and have not spoken to, or seen since the day we ended out 2 year affair. A few weeks ago I was invited to a conference and my stomach did flips when I saw that partners from his firm were invited to attend.
When I arrived at the airport my stomach fell to the ground as I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. I could tell he was looking at me waiting for me to look over, but I pretended I was very involved in something on my phone, by some miracle we were not on the same flight. I was early for mine and he was running late for his.
There were many people there and I was able to avoid him, in fact had I not seen him at the airport I probably would have assumed he was not there, I thought maybe he was avoiding me.
I returned home, but I was not able to get him out of my head. And I started reliving our past over and over in my head.
Wednesday morning I arrived at work and had a message from my asst that he called requested a lunch meeting to discuss what we talked about at the conference.
I know I should have ignored it, and I don’t know what it was, if I wanted to see him, if I wanted closure, if I wanted him to see how successful I was, I don’t know. But yesterday I went and we had lunch.
Him and his wife and since divorced and we mainly talked about work. But while he was talking all I could think about was kissing him.
I don’t know if it’s just a fleeting thought because we were together when I was young and vulnerable, or if these are legitimate feelings.
I am so lost and so confused.
Post # 2
if it has been 15 years I would say it is a fleeting thought brought on by thinking about old memories etc. Are you single? You obviously gone 15 years without “closure” so it’s odd you maybe felt the need to see him based on that. Did you want to meet him so he could tell you he wanted to rekindle something?
Post # 3
It is not unusual to have lustful feelings for a partner from the past. What exactly are you confused about?
Post # 4
Girl, you have been there, done that, gotten the t-shirt. Don’t let some mind trickery of this fling you had 15 years ago sabotage your new relationship.
I have to put this out there, you knew he was married and what kind of morals he had (or didn’t have) over the 2 year period you two were together. You were a willing participant in this, knowing he was being unfaithful to his wife. NOW, years later, you went to lunch to “prove” to him you’re doing better? I don’t think so, it sounds like both of you like the games, and like the thrills. That isn’t sustainable, nor is it healthy.
If I were you, and I mean this seriously, I’d look into counseling as to why I felt the need to interact with (1) a married man for a 2 year affair that I couldn’t seem to get over and (2) why I felt the need to ruin a good relationship for a jaunt I know won’t end well
ETA just saw where you said you hadn’t thought about him since you saw him, so ignore my advice about getting help getting over him.
Post # 5
I think agreeing to meet him was just a natural curiosity. The need to kiss him I think stems from reliving the memories and remembering it probably better as it was. I think he will be forgotten again in a matter of days.
Post # 6
This man was unfaithful to his wife with you. Should you enter a relationship with him again just remember that he is a known cheater. You won’t be exempt (from being cheated on by him) and you’d always be suspicious of him should you ever wear the shoes his wife once did. Proceed with caution.
And leave your boyfriend first, if you’re thinking of repeating your past mistake.
Post # 7
I dont know why I wanted to meet him. This man is 24 years my senior, he is now 60 years old. I love my boyfriend and I feel so guilty that I was having those thoughts when I was at lunch, and that even now I can’t stop thinking about him. If he called me to go out again, I dont even know what I would do because a piece of me wants to see him again.
Post # 8
This might sound harsh, but
1) You willingly had an affair with a married man for 2 years?! I’m sorry, but I question your morals.
2) You still have feelings for this man after 15 years??
3) Nothing good comes from a rocky foundation. If he had an affair with you while being married, what makes you think he wouldn’t do the same with someone else if you two eventually get married?
4) It’s time to give someone else a chance (your current boyfriend).
Post # 9
You have chemistry with him. If you start seeing him again, even one more time, you’re playing with fire.
Tell your boyfriend about this, like now. This much older man is taking advantage of you, like he did before when you were younger and vulnerable to his “charms.” He used you then and he may want to use you again. You’re better than this. Talk to your boyfriend, put yourself in panic mode.
Think of him as a predator, as dangerous. Because he is. I understand how that’s sexy as hell, believe me. But, still, run from it.
Yes, you are perfectly normal. No judgment here.
Post # 10
I admit I was in the wrong and it’s no excuse but I was 20 years old when I met him. I was naive and I was swept off my feet he told me everything I wanted to hear.
I never said I still have feelings for him, I said I was confused and I do not know how I feel. I also do not have any desire to be in a relationship with him and definitely not marry him.
Post # 11
I know you’re right, I should not see him again. And seeing him for lunch was such a stupid thing to do.
There is just something about him that is so intimidating, I lose myself around him. I can’t even string together a proper sentence. He still makes me nervous.
I will talk to my boyfriend. He knows all about him too, I opened up about it the first time we talked about marriage and I told him my concerns which stem from the fact that I knew first hand that people can cheat
Post # 12
Hugs. You were a victim, in a sense. I know that doesn’t excuse your own behavior but he was the one who cheated on his wife. It was unhealthy and you don’t need to go back there.
He knows the effect he has on you. It’s calculated. Try to understand he does this with women. He sounds like a narcissist (maybe). They know what they’re doing, which is why you feel flustered.
Your boyfriend will keep you safe, think of it that way.
Post # 13
I agree with Sunfire, this older man took advantage of you. What you did was wrong yes, but I get it that you were young. You were 20 and he was what- 45? You were not even old enough to be trusted with alcohol and he was a grown married man.
Don’t see him again, you would set yourself up to get into a situation you do NOT want to be a part of.
Post # 14
I agree with the PP, there’s no point meeting up with this man for closure..If your current boyfriend found out, would he approve?
P.S The marriage situation that I talked about was hypothetical.
Post # 15
I think it’s unfair to judge you based on actions in your 20’s but it’s part of your history.
First love/relationships or very significant ones can really shape you and I think this was a significant one for you since you were so young. It was probably intense, conflicted, and passionate. It’s natural for these feelings to bubble up, but you have to think where you are now, how the circumstances are different, and would you be going backward?
I agree with PP who said you went to lunch out of curiousity but it’s got to stop unless you’re really considering this. Most likely it’s those old feelings. Tell your boyfriend about it and maybe he can slap you back to reality and have an open conversation rather than sneaking around like you did with the ex.