Post # 1
ok so i am needing to vent a little bit….my Maid/Matron of Honor i have known forever but over the last 2 years we have grow apart as friends. We both live completely different lives now, im soon to be married and graduated from college etc but she just transfered to a new college living up the life. She has done nothing to help me out even when i ask. She says sure she will come help and for me to let her know what she can do blah blah. i ask her to help with STD’s, making t-shirts, different ideas for the ceremony and not one has she helped.
last weekend my family had an engagement party for me and my Fiance, inviting our wedding party and thier families and had several people there. Well everyone showed up, except my Maid/Matron of Honor who was 30min late and told me she would come an hr early to help decorate. didn’t happen. she has never been in a wedding so i guess she has no idea but i have given her Maid/Matron of Honor to-do-list in a bridal magazine but nothing. She has become rude and only interested in all her new friends. but yet she insists when we order their dresses that she gets one completely different from the other BM’s so they know she is the Maid/Matron of Honor. immature right?we havent ordered the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses yet until the end of this month so im just trying to figure this out. i dont want drama in my wedding!!! shouldn’t wedding planning with your Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man be enjoyable?!
What do i do? should i ask her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor anymore? because my fiance’ has had enough!
Post # 3
Sorry you’re going through this 🙁 You’re going to get a lot of people who will say that you can’t expect your Maid/Matron of Honor to do anything besides show up on the day you get married in the dress you decided on. But I disagree – I maintain that there is an expectation from the bride that BMs and MOHs will carry out certain responsibilities, and it sucks that you basically laid out things that you wanted your friend to do and she doesn’t feel like doing them.
But I don’t think you can demote her – you will risk losing her as a friend. Unless you don’t really care to be friends with her anymore.
I think you might just have to suck it up and depend on the other BMs for support….
Post # 4
Perhaps she a little annoyed that you gave her a “To Do List” from a magazine and then assigned her tasks… I know I would be. It’s not her responsibility to help with Save-The-Date Cards or making T-Shirts. I understand people being disappointed when an Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t perform some of the normal tasks like planning a shower, and helping to pick out her dress (although even then, she is not REQUIRED to do these things so you can’t get mad if she doesn’t).. but what you are expecting is really above and beyond. You chose to get married and plan a wedding, she didn’t make that choice for you so she’s not responsible for helping to make the wedding happen.
Post # 5
She asked to help with the STD’s because she loves being crafty and then the t-shirts also because she wanted to add input on the design. Also she asked for a to-do list because she admited that she had no idea what to do. i know she isn’t annoyed that i gave her that because im the type i ask a couple times “are you sure you don’t mind?” ive known her for so long. i didn’t ask her to do a huge amount but she could help with SOMETHING.
@msgolightly thanks for being understanding. Sometimes all a bride needs is a little encouragement.
Post # 6
I think that if she asked to be involved with a specific event/craft type thing – then she should follow through. Not because she’s your Maid/Matron of Honor, but because she’s your friend and said she’d do something.
If a friend of yours said that she wanted to do coffee next week, but then never shows – I’d be pissed. It’s like I didn’t ask you to do coffee, you asked me. So I think it’s similar – she asked to help with STD’s and then didn’t, she asked for a to do list and didn’t do any of those things either.
I think it would be different if the OP expected her to do those things, but my impression from the posts is that the Maid/Matron of Honor wanted and said she would do those things.
-I guess it’s all how you look at it 🙂
Post # 7
yes, thats the thing i was so upset about was that she tells me she will be there to help me do something so i have help but then she doesn’t show i have to complete it all by myself when i was expecting her to come the whole time. Just like the decorating for the engagement party she said she would be there an hr early and then doesn’t show up till all the introductions are over and thank you’s are done. too many times of telling me one thing and not doing the other! thanks bees 🙂
Post # 8
Sorry that you have to go through this stress. I am kind of feeling the same way you are. I have a friend that I have known since high school. I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and now when I talk about the wedding she seems very uninterested. Hopefully she was start to help out soon. Good luck!
Post # 9
It sounds like your Maid/Matron of Honor is a flaky person in general–I don’t think it’s specific to you or your wedding; she’s probably this way with a lot of people. You can either accept this quality and continue to be her friend, loving her as she is, or you can decide it’s not worth the effort (I’d probably do the latter–flakiness is a sign of narcissicm and she sounds like a pretty self-absorbed person!)
I think that what you might want to do for yourself is write down all the things that you expect your Maid/Matron of Honor to do on paper. Then cross out the things that you know this one’s not going to do. This will show you a) are you asking too much and b) the fact that your expectations probably don’t match up with the reality of working with her. You can either accept that and keep her as a MOH or don’t and boot her off the Wedding Party but you can’t NOT accept it and keep her as Maid/Matron of Honor because that’s just going to cause stress and disappointment. That’s not to say her behavior is acceptable AT ALL, but it is her behavior and if you keep holding on to what Maid/Matron of Honor is “supposed to do,” you will become a pretty angry bride. Are there any other BMs that could pitch in a little?
Post # 10
@JennyW1: yeah she has become quite flakey lately. i mean shes always been selfish but has become a lot worse of the past couple of years. some of my other BM’s are willing to help more…i dont talk to them about my Maid/Matron of Honor and what shes done and not done but one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man who is at another college even farther away (a couple hrs) than my Maid/Matron of Honor is really helpful so thank goodness for her! but the others are in other states so i will have to make due with the helpful Bridesmaid or Best Man and the useless MOH! if it was my Fiance way he would have booted her out along time ago! ha! thanks for the advice!