A new problem with my husband

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 196
3092 posts
Sugar bee

beethree :  I am wondering if her husband actually even called the realtor or was it part of the empty threat?

OP you might need to clarify this and confirm the hold. 

Post # 199
11201 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

toomuchdiva :  

Bee, shoving you was physical abuse.  He could have and should have been arrested and prosecuted.

He absolutely does ‘get it’. He understands exactly how you feel and he uses your feelings to control you. Now, he has you just where he wants you. Again.

Post # 201
2 posts
  • Wedding: June 2017

I am sorry that you are going through this terribly painful time.  I read your Amanda posts before and I sympathized with you then and now.  I have been you.  No porn disputes, thank God, but I’ve had my Amanda-like experiences.  Having gone through theraoy myself, I am going to give you my ten cents  <3  This is the first time I have ever posted on here but I just see myself in you so I feel compelled to!

In an earlier post to this thread, you said:

“I’ve given my all to this marriage. I would do anything for my husband. I put him above me. I just want to be happy and respected. I tell him that sometimes: all I want from him is that he is nice to me and RESPECTS me. I’m not feeling respected or cherished the way I deserve.”

Here is why he does not respect you:  because you are demonstrating to him that you don’t deserve his respect.  You gave your love to someone you feel you cannot trust   You gave your dedication to someone who (in your exact words):

“says one thing and does another”

“has absolutely no understanding or concern for how I feel. He doesn’t acknowledge my hurt or his past promises, he literally only says “get over it”

“keeps showing me that he doesn’t care about my feelings”

“has lied about things in the past. He has a problem with the truth.”

“shoved me when I tried to calm him down. I felt like it made a dark cloud over our wedding weekend and he wanted me to “get over it” but I was appalled by his behavior and it made me upset. So he said he wanted an annulment.”

“did mean stuff that I would never do to anyone let alone my most loved person.”

“is emotionally “torturing” me with his behavior. Previous divorce threats, most notably. He thinks it’s ok to fuck with me!”

toomuchdiva — basically this:

You really loved him, did not want to leave him, were completely devoted to him, would have done anything for him… and,

He is not dedicated to <u>your</u> happiness.

He would not “do anything for” <u>you.</u>

THIS is why you are not feeling respected and cherished the way you deserve.

If you want to be loved and respected, you need to love and respect yourself.  Why is this person deserving of all your love and respect?   If you loved yourself, you wouldn’t want you to be in a marriage that leaves you feeling uneasy and insecure all the time.  Right?  

It is your attitude about yourself that your husband has adopted.

You should not ever be in a situation where you have to explain or spell out to anybody that you want their respect.  If you’re not getting that from the person you should no longer be engaging with the person, let alone putting them above you / being willing to do anything for them. 

You said that you strive to be a good person, be a women of integrity and treat others with kindness.   Don’t change!  Going forward, please keep being the same good hearted person who treats others with kindness and has integrity – AND, you need to accept nothing less than the same qualities in a partner,  because you deserve nothing less.

The reason you were treated the way you were is that you gave your all for someone who did <u>not</u> have integrity.  

Someday when this painful time is well in your past (just keep remembering that time WILL come) and when a man shows interest in you, and you are attracted,  and things progress, and you fall in love with him…don’t forget to ask yourself whether he is showing you that he loves you, too.  With his deeds, not just his words.  And don’t settle for anything less than someone with true integriity.


Post # 203
94 posts
Worker bee

Regardless of whether you stay with this guy, for your own sake, you need to figure out why the idea of porn is such a dealbreaker for you. Because, as hard as this may be to believe, fantasy is a common element of human sexuality, and the fact that we are now able to indulge our fantasies via the internet instead of the good ole brainbox and dirty postcards doesn’t move watching porn over into the category of infidelity. Chances are, even if you leave your husband, the next person you date will have SOME kind of internal sex life that does not include you (by the way, you have the right to one of those too). I. Suggest. Therapy.

Post # 204
94 posts
Worker bee

P.S. This is NOT to say I think you have to try to see things from your current partner’s perspective, respect his choices, etc., because clearly that ship has sailed, the trust is dead on both sides, or it damn well has a right to be. No one here can tell you what to decide re divorce, but it does seem as though this relationship has done more harm than good.

Post # 205
1017 posts
Bumble bee

norapunch :  I disagree. There are myriads of reasons why one may be uncomfortable with pornography. Intellectually, this may be due to exploitation in the industry or perpetuation of harmful stereotypes. From a mental health perspective, there are also concerns that pornography may impact neural processes (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4600144/).

Post # 206
3500 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

norapunch :  I don’t think she necessarily needs to explore her feelings about porn in particular, but I do think it is likely that the reason it bothers her so much is because in her mind it is just another instance of feeling like she isn’t enough for her husband. 

If she eventually finds herself in a healthier relationship in which she feels valued, wanted and secure, I would not be surprised if things like porn and talking about his female boss end up not bothering her at all. 

Post # 209
3186 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

CANCEL THE HOUSE PURCHASE RIGHT NOW. Stay with your family or friend (or have them stay with you) while you do this as he may get violent again! He’s ABUSIVE. Shoving, threatening divorce,  name calling,  gaslighting.  Stop ignoring his abuse. I’m sorry. Tough situation

Post # 210
12671 posts
Honey Beekeeper

OP, On a recent thread, you posted about issues that have not yet been raised here. Your husband has been long diagnosed with depression and anxiety, is medicated with SSRIs, but only occasionally sees a therapist. Before marriage he was, on one occasion, seriously ill to the point he would not get out of bed, and he abused pot. Since marriage he’s been abusive and cruel on multiple occasions. You also blame his mother, in part, for coddling him, and not wanting to make his symptoms worse. 

You’ve stuck it out this long because you thought these things excused his behavior. They don’t.

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