A new problem with my husband

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 211
Member
38 posts
Newbee

OP I hope you are doing well. I am glad that you are getting help for yourself. Look, I am studying sex therapy, and while I disagree with you on porn, you have a right to your feelings. Your husband (or whatever you wish to call him at this point) violated a previously established boundary.

Do not believe the crocdile tears, and please do not believe the promises he will make just to get you to change your mind. You are unhappy in this relationship. He is abusive, he is cruel, he is gaslighting you, he speaks poorly about women, and his values don’t align with yours. These are reasons for people to get divorced from each other. 

Your posts romanticized this man and your marriage. You made him your whole life, and put your marriage above your own happiness. If you are reluctant to tell your family about what is going on, I know of several therapy providers who will provide a person with a room for a night so that they can figure out what to do without having to disclose everything as they are sorting out their thoughts. As we have seen, a lot of people return to less than decent relationships after they say they’re going to  leave for good. While I do think that you are concerned about appearances, I am sure that your mother and sister would be supportive of your decision. For once, put yourself first, not this man, and not your marriage. You deserve so much better. 

 

PS for everyone saying you have to like porn, you don’t have to like it, but you do have to understand that anyone you date going forward may not share this belief. You cannot expect the person to change their masturbation habits if porn was their normal prior to you, nor can you expect that nudes/vidoes you make are going to satisfy them with the fantasy they obtain from porn. I think that if you choose to go into a relationship (which I do not recommend until you feel as though you are ready), please do not expect the man to change his habits, and take a “what you see is what you get approach”. You’ll avoid a lot of disappointment that way. 

Post # 212
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ifoundtheloml0705 :  I disagree. You should expect your SO to behave in a manner that is consistent with whatever sexual limitations you both agree on. Just as you will likely change your sexual habits while in a committed relationship (foregoing sex outside the relationship, which is the most common agreed upon sexual boundary, for instance), you have every right to express your personal boundaries & expectations regarding sexual conduct while in a relationship. The only real expectation you should have is  that agreed upon boundaries/limitations will be honored. For some relationships, porn is an agreed upon no-go. It would absolutely be a deal-breaker in my marriage & my husband is in agreement that porn has no place in our lives. 

Post # 213
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2020

toomuchdiva :  I’m so sorry, bee! I didn’t mean to upset you. I just read your update and I hope you stay strong! You had every right to express your feelings without him being dismissive and talking about divorce (which sounds like the easiest option). Focus on yourself and your mental health first.

Post # 214
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

anonymousbee001 :  Yes, there are many reasons why someone might find the use of porn offensive, as you’ve said. In this case, however, it seems to me like OPs reasons might have less to do with her husband’s habits and more to do with being in a very bad place emotionally because of a toxic relationship. Pornography might be a trigger, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the negative feelings are coming from something deeper. I suggested talking about this peroccupation with someone in order to help deal with this trigger, in case it persists and causes stress in her next relationship. 

sboom :  This would be what I would hope, that in a supportive relationship, things like someone’s fantasy life wouldn’t be such a sticking point. 

Post # 215
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I don’t understand. You’re arguing with him because he watches stupid porongraghic content? You want to divorce him as a result? What?

Post # 216
Member
2139 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sarandah :  this post has been inactive for a few days and many bees suggested OP take a break from the bee to care for herself and seek help and here you come with your attack post 3 days later… GTFO

Post # 217
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

sarandah :  Are you really that salty over a closed shitpost?  Full-time student, my arse.

Post # 218
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I didn’t read the other replies. I’m just saying it’s stupid to divorce someone over porn. He’s not actively cheating on her. Again, bringing up topics that have nothing to do with the conversation. Real catty. hampsterdance :  

Post # 219
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

sarandah :  It’s probably not the porn, it’s the fact that they probably moved in together before they got engaged/married. Those types of relationships are just bound to fail.

Post # 220
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

sarandah :  You need to read all the replies before posting any more, because porn was the least of this posters issues with her husband. Your comment was unhelpful and just makes you look like a total jerk.

Post # 221
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Stop with the catty behavior. It makes you look really bad. 

So I said something you disagree with, so what? Are people not allowed to express different opinions?futuremrs2020 :  

Post # 222
Member
9828 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

If you read the full thread you would find out that her husband is physically and emotionally abusive. The porn is a problem because he’s agreed to stop several times and doesn’t. It’s not the porn – it’s the lying and hiding things.

If your husband agreed to no longer have lunch/talking with with his co-worker (not saying that’s your desire, just an example) and then had lunch with her behind your back everyday I imagine you would also be upset.

But yeah, there is a lot more than porn to this. 

sarandah :  

Post # 223
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Okay well that makes sense. If he’s an abusive shit, then leave his ass. No one deserves to be abused. slomotion :  

Post # 224
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

sarandah :  Sorry, I shouldn’t have made a comment that was completely unhelpful to the OP, just like yours was.

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