Post # 1
After writing a long POST (under “Asked too many people”) regarding choosing too many people for my bridesmaids and about a nightmare Maid/Matron of Honor and slacking bridesmaids.
I got some great advice so I decided to send an email addressed to the whole bridal party stating what I was looking for, which is support from my bridesmaids and to not be constantly made fun of for my indecisiveness. I also included the general costs that will occur by being a bridesmaid for my wedding.
This is the response I got from my MOH…
Confirming receipt of e-mail. The following is a submission of concerns addressed to her majesty bride Dana.
I am sorry in advance!
Please correct me if I am wrong.
As bridesmaids/maid of honour we are-
NOT allowed to have opinions and or ideas, we are obligated to be available to listen/ read wedding news/opinions/plans/stresses, we MUST buy a dress half year in advance, MUST be supportive even if ideas/plans makes absolutely no sense, NO mocking, or snotty comments (Which I have already failed), and be at the beck and call of the bride.
Should we sign a contract in blood stating that we are willing to follow these rules?
Should we get t-shirts made stating that we are your bit**?
Please reply to confirm receipt.
Now I’m wondering am I am being a bridezilla? Or she being completely insensitive? Should I ask her to step down or should I just deal with it so I don’t lose the friendship? From everyone else I got emails starting they were sorry if they haven’t been around, that they are completely be there for me and I recieved two phone calls from the other girls. ONE who is getting married this weekend herself!!
Post # 3
I am going to be really honest with you. I read your last post earlier today, and it made me think “bridezilla” right away. I know the bees are generally very supportive and tend to give posters the benefit of the doubt. But when you continually talk about “firing” bridesmaids, and mention that you asked your Maid/Matron of Honor to step down just because you found another friend you decided should be Maid/Matron of Honor instead when the original girl did nothing wrong, that is a really self-centered way to think. “Bridesmaid” is not a job and you are not their boss. You can’t expect anything of them except buying the dresses and showing up.
Now I don’t know what your initial email said, but if the tone was such that you expect certain things of them or they have to step down, it sounds like it was out of line. You can’t go ordering these girls around just because it’s your wedding. You can’t expect them to support you through every change of plans. When I changed dates and venues just once, everyone was kidding around about it. If you keep changing your ideas, yes, they may get frustrated. Maybe don’t tell them until you have a final decision. About costs, it’s nice to be upfront if the costs are reasonable. But maybe it’s not so nice to say “pay up or drop out.” I would lower the costs for bridesmaids before kicking them out.
Even if your behavior is out of line, some girls are going to be more flexible and chill about it. Others will feel like you’re overbearing but not say anything. And some. like your Maid/Matron of Honor, will speak out. I don’t know you or them, but it sounds to me like your Maid/Matron of Honor has valid concerns.
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Post # 4
I dont’ think you handled this very well and frankly, I think it’s a good thing your Maid/Matron of Honor called you out on this. I’d be LIVID if somebody wrote me an email like that. I just dont’ think it’s a good way to go. I know as brides we want our friends to be supportive and give us ideas and help us out, but you also have to take the things they say with a grain of salt and you can’t be overly sensitive (which you may have been?) I mean, emailing your friends and telling them they’re not allowed to mock you anymore? As a friend, I wouldn’t have received that very well, either. You already asked one Maid/Matron of Honor to step down and the way your other post was phrased really rubs me the wrong way.
You dug your own grave with this one. There’s no nice way to say it. I think you have to call your friend up and have a chat with her. Even if your other friends are all “on board” now, i doubt they were thrilled with the email.
Post # 5
I just read your original thread, and from what you posted there, I don’t think your concerns were unreasonable. Your Maid/Matron of Honor sounds completely disinterested in the wedding you want, and, to be perfectly honest, she doesn’t seem like a very good friend.
That said, I agree with GirlWithARing that I’m baffled as to why you “fired” your first Maid/Matron of Honor for this girl. Your original MOH’s only flaw seems to be the distance, which does make me wonder if you are expecting too much from your BMs. Without knowing everything that has gone down with your BMs or what you said in your e-mail to them, I am a bit concerned that you are involving these ladies a bit too much. They don’t need to sign off on every single decision you make (i.e. your changing the venue), and unless something relates directly to your Bridesmaid or Best Man (their dresses, for example), you should just inform them after a decision has been made and that’s it.
The same thing goes for the dresses–I doubt you really knew what your wedding was going to look like two years ago, and it is unreasonable to ask someone to buy a dress 1 1/2 years in advance. Now that you’re getting closer and decisions must be made, you need to apologize to your ladies for your prior confusion and say that this is the dress and must be ordered by X date, and then don’t change your mind.
Remember, this is your wedding, not theirs. Yes, they’re excited for you, but they aren’t excited about every single detail that you make. They have lives, too, and you need to respect that and keep the things you ask them to do, the time you ask them to devote, and the money you ask them to spend, to a reasonable amount.
Post # 6
Thanks for your thoughts!! I needed that.
I honestly don’t know why I asked the first one to step down either…childish really. I just thought it would be better to have the Maid/Matron of Honor in the same Country to make if more cost efficient for her.
Maybe I don’t fully understand what Bridesmaids/MOH do…from the websites I’ve read brides ask a lot from them! And I don’t expect much from them since they live so far away.
Me, I just want a reply back from an email or a phone call. They have ALL told me EMAIL is the BEST way to communicate…they are all very busy and I completely understand having a life myself. I don’t want to call them all the time to interrupt there lives so that is the best way to do it.
With the bridesmaid dress, no one really said what they wanted but told me that they couldn’t afford $140.00 That was fine so I said how bout $80.00 or $100.00? What’s reasonable anyway? I’ve even said if you have a black dress in your closet then thats fine too but no one has confirmed to say that was the dress to go with and I didn’t want to come across as a Brideszilla and say you’re buying a $200.00 that looks like a prom dress. So I said whatever you think but nothing was getting done so I said okay here it is what about this dress..two said it was too expensive
But before the email saying hey call me or email me (IF YOU CAN) I wasn’t getting anything. SO I figured maybe sending out an email was the best way to get everyone on track.
And all those things that she was saying I was telling them to do was NOT what I wrote in my email. She was exaggerating. I did ask to listen to my ideas when they can, mostly because she kept saying go off and get married in Vegas or just go down to the court and told me to have a backyard wedding. I didn’t find those ideas useful, I thought it was a better idea to say I have some ideas, can you help me with it? I mean who wants to be made fun of all the time. Once or twice or a few times but when its all the time from the same person its alittle much! And I never asked them to buy a dress a year in a half in advance again she was exaggerating, I wrote 3-6 months since that’s what most websites said.
Post # 7
Has your Maid/Matron of Honor ever been a bridesmaid before? Because I think you are right about the dress. If you are ordering a dress, you have to order it 3-6 months before the wedding.
My bridesmaids are my sisters and Future Sister-In-Law, so I am sort of a different situation than you, but my whole family was getting fed up with me when it seemed to them that I was being indecisive, but really, I was just throwing ideas out there and trying to get feedback on them. I think it was just overwhelming for them because they didn’t know when to believe something was really my final decision. Same goes with bridesmaids dresses. They weren’t really interested in emailing back and forth about different styles and designers. They seemed to be happier when I told them what I was going to pick, rather than involving them in the whole process. (The price issue for you is another bucket of worms, so I’d suggest asking each girl what dollar figure she is comfortable with. Or just go the LDB route, which always looks classy.)
I don’t think you’re being bridezilla, but I also don’t think your Maid/Matron of Honor is being insensitive. I think there is a lack of communication about what is expected (I know you were trying to accomplish this with your email). So I’d say reply to her email and tell her you are sorry that it came across contractual, but you wanted everyone to know what you are thinking, and it is up for discussion.
Post # 8
I think you’ve gotten some great advice here, and I’d like to add one more piece: don’t take the websites at face value when you read what bridesmaids and MOHs are supposed to do! I’ve never met a single bridesmaid or Maid/Matron of Honor who does all of the stuff some websites or books claim are their “duties.” It might help to dial back your expectations a bit, especially where “listening to wedding ideas/details” is concerned. Wedding talk can get *really* boring if you’re not the one getting married — yes, even if you’re a bridesmaid!
Also, I think your Maid/Matron of Honor may be upset because you sent out a mass e-mail instead of talking to her personally about her behavior. She may think that this was your way of embarassing her in front of the other bridesmaids, and not realize you were having some problems with several bridesmaids.
And re: the 6-month dress order. This applies if you’re getting a dress from a bridal shop, because that’s how long it takes an order to get filled, but not if you’re just asking your bridesmaids to pick out any little black dress from the store, since they can take the LBD home right away. I wasn’t sure which route you’re going so I thought I should mention that the 6-month timeline isn’t necessary unless you’re going the bridal salon route.
Post # 9
I’d suggest choosing one or two people you feel comfortable bouncing wedding ideas off – but make sure these people are open to it – and they won’t be ALL the time! For me these are my best friend and one of my sisters. I have 4 bridesmaids and I’ve told them all that they can choose their own dress (I have given them a colour) and thankfully they’re all cool with that. I understand how tricky it must be feeling like you’re not being supported by your bridesmaids (especially if you’re really psyched about the wedding and they may not be) but you’ve got to be really choosy about who you talk to about the wedding. I’m really psyched about my wedding and I still get “Urgh MORE wedding talk!” comments from some members of my family – even if I’ve just made one comment! It’s hard cos you feel like you’re not allowed to be excited but I’ve found that if I pick who I talk to about it and pick when carefully then you can have a really great chat and get feedback without anyone getting bored or thinking you’re wedding obsessed! And they won’t be up for these chats ALL the time – you have to gauge how they’re feeling that day.
Also, I thought that your friends response to your email was a bit on the nasty side and I’d be upet about it but I kinda understand where she’s coming from. It’s a tricky situation and I really hope you and your bridesmaids can sort it out and have a brilliant day!
Post # 10
I am not sure what your email said or exactly what has transpired between you and your Maid/Matron of Honor, but I think her email is horrible. It just seems really mean spirited and it makes me think she was more than just disinterested in your wedding ideas. If she really felt this way, I would think she could respond nicely that she’s sorry she won’t be able to handle so much and graciously step down. I would say the claws are way out in her email response.
Also, for the Maid/Matron of Honor that you ‘fired’ – that may not have been the best decision, but to your defense of the word ‘fired’ I think that’s kind of thrown around a lot in the wedding blog world. That’s not the first time I’ve heard someone use that.
I do agree with some of the previous girls tho – you can’t talk to everyone all the time about wedding stuff. I know it makes me sad that I can’t talk to my Maid/Matron of Honor about things sometimes and she’s not as excited about it like I would like for her to be, but I realize at the same time that she’s not the one getting married. I think there are other circumstances like some poster mentioned before about people going through relationship problems, divorces, etc. that make it extra hard for them to hear anything about a wedding. Also, I know I get tired with my own indecisiveness over what I want, so I’m sure that can be overkill for anyone else (esp if I’m already over it). Sometimes I just wish the choices for certain things weren’t so hard (factor in costs, locations, guests accesibility, style, etc.). Some decisions, especially with out of town guests, can be really hard to pin down. I just wouldn’t share that with many people.
Best of luck to you in sorting this all out!
Post # 11
Her email to you was mean and uncalled for, but you shouldn’t have sent that email out in the first place. AND you shouldn’t be involving them in all the decisions like it sounds as though you are. If you are emailing them and asking for opinions, even though they should only reply with ‘Sounds wonderful, anything you choose!” you are guaranteed to actually get some real opinions and they might not all be supportive.
It also sounds really awful that you already asked a Maid/Matron of Honor to step down. like another poster said, BM’s aren’t employees and shoudn’t ever get fired or demoted unless they are trying to sleep with your Fiance or something awful like that.
I think you should write back to her and say I know you’re kidding, but I am sorry that i’ve been too needy with wedding details. I’ve realized the hard way it’s too much to ask BM’s and I feel bad. But everyone does actually have to order the dress 6 months in advance for them to come in on time. See you at the bach party, lata!